Ms. Wang from Changchun had a daughter at the age of forty, and her daughter Yaya (a pseudonym) is eight years old this year.
Yaya is lively and active, and everyone praises her as "smart." One day, Yaya said that she deliberately wrote down the wrong answers so her classmates could copy them. Ms. Wang also discovered several times that her daughter was lying. She beat her and scolded her, but her daughter continued to use her little clever tricks. She began to worry that her daughter seemed to be "going off the right path."
Mother's Narrative:
When the child changed the question, the mother thought it was smart.
Ms. Wang had been married for ten years before giving birth to Yaya. For her daughter, she didn't work for five years. Yaya is very active; in kindergarten, she often played under the table when the teacher turned around, never being still.
Ms. Wang was busy with work, so she asked her aunt to take care of the child. One time, she left a few math problems for Yaya before going to work. They were all simple addition and subtraction problems written in pencil. When she checked the homework, she found that Yaya had changed the questions. For example, 15+11, she might have felt it was difficult, so she changed it to 15-11. She even thought her daughter was smart and laughed, saying, "How can such a young child be so cunning?" And similar incidents happened more than once.
Intentionally writing wrong answers for her desk partner to copy
Last year, Yaya started first grade in elementary school. One day, she came back and said, "Mom, my classmate copied my answers, and I got them all wrong."
Ms. Wang asked her, "Why did you get them wrong?"
"I did it on purpose. After he finished copying, I secretly corrected them, so the answers shown to the teacher were all correct." Yaya's words shocked her greatly. How could such a young child have such a calculating mind?
She educated Yaya that day and started to worry, feeling that the child's thoughts were beginning to "go astray."
Fooling Mom with previously done homework
Ms. Wang began to pay attention to her daughter's changes and found that her daughter was increasingly prone to lying, and she did it without changing her expression.
During the winter vacation, Ms. Wang gave Yaya 10 pages of oral arithmetic problems every day, specifying one page per side. However, Yaya told her aunt, "My mom said two pages per side."
One day, she asked Yaya to do 10 pages of oral arithmetic problems. After finishing, Yaya said she had done one extra page. When she checked, she found that Yaya had deceived her using the homework from the previous day. The previous day's homework was supervised by her aunt, who had marked it with a pencil after checking. Yaya erased the marks and changed the date.
Yaya didn't admit to lying, so Ms. Wang pinched her in anger, and only then did she admit.
Faking parental signatures due to poor exam results
After being beaten, Yaya didn't change her ways. One day, while tidying up her bag, Ms. Wang found a math exam paper with a score of just over 60 points, signed with her name, which clearly belonged to Yaya's handwriting. She didn't make a fuss but went to ask other parents the next day and learned that the teacher required parents to sign the test papers.
When she returned, she held the test paper and asked Yaya, "Why did you sign your own name? Aren't you afraid the teacher will find out?" She hadn't even finished speaking when Yaya burst into tears with a "wah."
Ms. Wang felt that she had never spoiled the child. Every time Yaya made a mistake, she would criticize her, sometimes even resorting to physical punishment.
"Sometimes, when she makes a mistake, I just raise my hand, and she covers her eyes out of fear. I think I can't always hit her, but when I try to reason with her, she doesn't listen at all. Before I finish explaining, she runs off somewhere else, or says, 'Okay, Mom, I know, I won't do it again.' But after that, she continues to make mistakes. Once one mistake is corrected, another new one appears," Ms. Wang lamented.
A beating can ensure Yaya doesn't make a mistake for a week, but after a week, she will definitely continue.
Expert Analysis:
Parents should not overly affirm when children show small cleverness
After hearing about Yaya's story, Ms. Jiao Ying from the Mental Health Education Center of Changchun No.2 Experimental Middle School believed that the child's behavior also reflected some incorrect aspects in the parents' education.
Don't label all of the child's behaviors as lying. If you always think she is lying and criticize her by frequently saying, "You are a child who loves to lie," the child will also give herself the label of "I am someone who loves to lie," which will lead to a low self-evaluation during her future growth.
The mother should reflect on whether she was too affirmative when the child showed small cleverness at the age of two or three, such as laughing or happily telling others in front of her. The child might think the mother likes her to do this and is praising her. Once this idea forms, even if the child really lies later, she won't think she is lying. This kind of behavior is a way for her to seek praise and gain support.
Guidance should be given after punishing the child
Ms. Jiao Ying said that when the mother educates the child, she should promptly correct the child's mistakes and punish her accordingly. Although this mother is also very strict and beats her when the child makes a mistake, her method of beating isn't scientific enough. After punishment, there should be subsequent guidance. When the child gets into trouble, she dare not tell the parents, and the mother should imagine how anxious and uneasy the child must feel at that moment. Children will inevitably make mistakes, but if making a mistake means getting beaten, the child will choose to escape responsibility through lies.
Scientific educational methods should be used, affirming the child's correct behavior, establishing correct thinking patterns, encouraging the child to admit mistakes, and giving appropriate affirmation when the child admits their mistakes.
Praising the child should also have limits
Ms. Jiao Ying believes that for children who like to show small cleverness, parents shouldn't say "you're really smart," but instead can tell her "you're a conscientious child" or "you're really persistent."
Many people say "good children are praised into existence," but she pointed out that praise needs to be controlled. For instance, if the mother is cooking in the kitchen and the child does something praiseworthy, you can stop what you're doing and say to her, "Come here, let me kiss you, you've done well," which is better than not even looking back and telling the child, "You've done wonderfully, I'll buy you something nice to eat tomorrow."
For things the child should do, although parents may be happy about the small progress, they shouldn't overreact. A hug or pat on the head as a reward is sufficient; the intensity of praise shouldn't be too strong. If achieving one point earns five points of reward, achieving five points will require ten points of reward, and achieving ten points will expect a hundred points of reward, which might be something the parents cannot fulfill.