The "Electrician Expert" Exposed
Last week, the 21-inch Hisense TV that had proudly served for over five years finally emitted a puff of blue smoke. The entire living room was filled with the smell of burnt electronics. With my mighty palm strike, the image went from a crack to complete darkness, and the sound abruptly stopped. Thus, our home became even noisier. Little P.P. (our child) was more hyperactive than ever, climbing and jumping around until past eleven o'clock when he still showed no signs of sleepiness. How could I make his blood vessels younger? He kept shouting "Mama," exhausting me as I played the role of a horse, nearly spitting blood.
On Saturday evening, after finally settling down to go online, I discovered that the network connection, this celestial line, was also down. Frustrated, I tried countless methods to find the cause, only hearing a cacophony of static on the phone line, like a chaotic, tuneless erhu performance, cutting through my hopes in the deep night just before dawn.
Sunday arrived, and an engineer from the telecom company came over. Boldly welcomed into my home, I feared he would discover that I was using a router for my internet. In the unfortunate middle of the night, with a heart full of loyalty, I prepared a cup of tea for him and described the fault professionally. After much commotion, he delivered a heart-wrenching verdict: "User maintenance required." This meant it was an issue with my own equipment. Oh my god, in just two days, I had broken two devices! It felt like a thunderbolt on a clear day. Considering the large credit card bill due in early September, I was left speechless with tears in my eyes.
Staring blankly as the expert confidently walked away, I stood alone, trembling in the autumn wind. No, I couldn't let fate dictate my life this way! I pondered about the TV; inside it had a high-voltage pack. This seemed too dangerous—historically, reckless individuals who tampered with such things either ended up with explosive hair or worse, their heart rate accelerating to 250, meeting Marx to learn about serving the people. My goal has always been to serve the Renminbi (Chinese currency), so safety first. Instead, I decided to tackle the lower voltage Huawei MT800. If I got a mild shock, it would be like acupuncture, though I didn’t really expect it to unblock my energy meridians.
With determination, I quickly disassembled the outer shell of the MT800. Watching its naked circuitry, I still couldn’t connect to the internet. Meanwhile, little P.P. was having fun crawling everywhere—on the bed dancing, on the chair banging on what seemed to be a sturdy T43 laptop, and even on the windowsill playing around. Sweating profusely, I chased after him, my little master, fearing he'd get me into real trouble by causing electrical issues.
Deciding to clear the area, I quietly gathered my thoughts and ultimately decided to use my ultimate technique: One-Finger Zen! Since mastering this skill, I've refrained from using it, knowing it drains one's vitality. Huawei, you’re lucky, you're sharp, you're clever (the last three sentences are best appreciated in Cantonese). You’ve pushed me to use my ultimate move! Gathering my energy, I slowly summoned my golden finger, swiftly maneuvering it over the bare MT800. Unexpectedly, a scream erupted. Weakly, I looked up at the ceiling, relieved it was still intact. Raising my golden finger again, it hadn’t burned out. Thank goodness my One-Finger Zen wasn’t a bluff—it’s swift like lightning, faster than Li Xia's flying dagger (though the "flying" and "dagger" here refer metaphorically to speed and precision).
Again, I marveled at the power of my One-Finger Zen. In mere seconds, I pinpointed the problem. Yes, it was this chip that caused the MT800 to malfunction, hot enough to boil water. Kao, wasn't this device intentionally planted as a landmine in my cozy home? Thankfully, I have my One-Finger... (Who threw that fruit peel and paper waste? Such bad manners! Don’t you know Changsha is striving to be a national health city? Eggs shouldn’t be thrown either! They may be rotten, but don’t you know about inflation? Selling them to small restaurants, they're worth fifty cents each! No one buys them? Stupid! So many fifty-cent party members, they could use it as wages! Dong! Watch out, there's a rock coming! Quickly dodge!)
Oh, where was I? Regardless, I found the reason for the MT800's malfunction. What next? Although there was no high-voltage danger, I was still clueless about low voltage issues. Touching it again might exhaust my One-Finger Zen (hehe, dodging gracefully like the Lingbo Microstep isn’t a joke either). Hmm, I could only fiddle around with a screwdriver on this faulty device. Whether it took thirty seconds or thirty minutes, surprisingly, the chaotic, tuneless erhu-like sound on the phone line became less chaotic. Music? Ha! Have you ever heard an ADSL dial-up sing? You must be new to this.
Hastily continuing, determined to chase the remaining problems, unexpectedly, truly, the celestial line connected! Wow, "The sky in the liberated areas is a bright sky, the people in the liberated areas are happy." I bet Einstein's joy upon discovering the theory of relativity wouldn't have surpassed this. Oh yes, he never saw the People's Liberation Army (Einstein thought hard all night about the PLA, but he had never seen them on TV [understandable, speaking Mandarin at this level was already a limit for him]).
At this moment, the spirits of Einstein, Edison, Jack Welch possessed me. The Jade Emperor revealed his divine powers, Jesus saved all beings (Guanyin Bodhisattva was on vacation; in the 21st century, even immortals need personal space). Finally, I saw white money flowing back into my pocket like time reversing. Hurriedly, I tightened my pockets. Happiness is having grain in hand and no worries in mind.
Under the astonished and admiring gaze of my partner, I stylishly flicked my head: In truth, I am a person of both beauty and intelligence, embodying the spirit of a hero and a knight. Changing social trends, captivating countless women, stimulating the electrical market, enhancing the inner qualities of the youth, standing tall like a tree, graceful and debonair, I am the "Electrician Expert."