I still remember the first Valentine's Day, just like many girls, I felt honored. Receiving your first rose, your first box of chocolate, and your first kiss, all were so beautiful, sweet, and warm. You always moved me! I remember when you gave me flowers, you said, "I will only give you one, I am selfish, but this small gift represents my big heart. One means the only one, you are my only treasure." At that moment, I was surrounded by happiness from your sweet words, feeling that I was the happiest woman in the world. That moment, I saw the flowers also smiled.
We once walked together but got lost at that crossroad.
This title originated from a song name, its melody deeply touched me. My thoughts returned to the past, to the person I loved, to those traces left behind, and those scenes vividly replayed in my mind.
At the age of adolescence, we were not yet complicated. That pure face, that innocent smile, that mature soul, were fully expressed by us. The first time my hand was warmed by yours, it was soft and sweet. You liked holding my hand and walking through the streets. In front of me, you appeared especially generous. Whenever we went out, you never let me carry anything. You said you were afraid of tiring me, and you carried everything. I was spoiled by you, liking sleeping in, calling you "piggy". Liking you calling me "treasure", liking being spoiled by you. Liking sticking to you, lying in your arms.
I could still feel that warmth
That day when I came back, because of the heat, I started taking a shower and washing clothes as soon as I entered the dormitory. When I was washing clothes, a figure in front of me caught my attention. I still remember the close-fitting black shirt you wore that day, with a pair of shiny black shoes. Being absorbed in looking at you, I thought I met some mysterious person. Black gives people a mysterious charm infecting my senses, pulling my soul away. I stopped rubbing the clothes in the basin, staring at you without letting go. In an instant, you disappeared from my sight. I looked at your back, seeing the black sun hat on your head, with the brim facing backward. I thought, originally you love to be cool, I really want to get to know you. Do I have that good fortune?
(Division Four)
(Division Three)
You took me to the nearby Blue Lake Park. The lake water was very clear, blue clouds reflected in the lake, truly blending the sky and water into one color, what a beautiful word can describe it! We sat down in the pavilion by the lake. Suddenly, you opened your mouth and startled me a bit: "Do you want to fall in love?" I didn't know what to say immediately, "Ah...," quite tongue-tied. My face turned red instantly. At that moment, my heart was racing wildly, I didn't know where to put my hands, and my legs began to tremble "...". You noticed my nervousness, you reached out your hand, wanting to place my hand in your palm, I immediately pulled it back. At that moment, I was scared, never experienced such fear before. What is happening to me? Subconsciously, I have feelings for him, why do I retreat when he says he wants to fall in love with me? Isn't this what I wanted? Thinking about these things, I was conflicted. I think I am not ready yet, love to me is like a war, I'm afraid either I lose or you win.
Fate is predetermined, subconsciously we both had feelings for each other, but at that time we were too shy to express it. You asked a classmate to deliver a message, wanting to know something from me. But my lips were sealed, even if I liked someone very much, I wouldn't say it out loud. So among friends, I was always considered an introvert.
The first time I fell in love, the first time I celebrated Valentine's Day, the first time I was kissed passionately by someone, the first time we held hands, the first time we hugged... All these are unforgettable.
(Section Two)
Do you remember, that year when we took the same bus to Chengdu for our internship? There were fifteen people in the car. We were all schoolmates, some from the obstetrics and gynecology major, some from clinical medicine, some from pharmacology, some from nursing... I was a student in the nursing class, three of us came to Chengdu. Me, Yanzi, and Xiaojie, they were older than me and more sensible; going to a strange place, I always felt uneasy. Missing my parents, missing my siblings. Missing my mother's kisses, missing my father's smiles, missing my sister's beauty, missing my brother's mischief.
Thank you for holding my hand
That day was February 14th, a festival known worldwide. Valentine's Day, so romantic, so anticipated, after eighteen years, the festival I longed for finally came true through you. Are you the person I am looking for? Are you my lover? I think it must be, otherwise, why is my heart always with you?
Initially, our relationship did not stop due to the distance. Every day there were endless phone calls and messages. Remember, back then we didn't have mobile phones, we used prepaid cards and called from public telephone booths. A call would last for hours, we were reluctant to hang up, hard to part. Most of our salary at that time was spent on contacting each other. Sometimes you were worried I didn't have enough money, you cared about me, every time you would call me. As soon as you had free time, you would come to see me. Our time together was short. Sometimes you came but it wasn't a good time, because I was on duty. You stayed up all night with me, actually I was very reluctant to let you leave. You ran so far just to see me. But my job was inconvenient, no fixed rest days, working in shifts. It was very tiring. You said I lost weight, you cared for me, you wanted me to go to you. I refused, because I wanted to make a name for myself in this city, waiting for you to return to my side. Back then, everything seemed so beautiful, little did I know these were unrealistic, deviating from reality.
As night deepened, the music continued, longing intensified, but after all, you are not the wind, and I am not the sand. You were like a gentle breeze, fleeting, disappearing in an instant.
Later, I still couldn't escape your control, you pulled me over, held my hand, and ran off like flying. From then on, our hands were tightly clasped together.
We can forget many things, but the sentiment of first love is hard to forget. Those beautiful years, those days when our fingers were intertwined, aren't they still cherished by us today?
With autumn coming, it's another season of melancholy. The falling leaves, your departure, all are so sorrowful.
(Section One)
Thank you for holding my hand
Until you left, I finally realized I had been dreaming. A dream with only a beginning and no end. I built this dream too perfectly, to the point that your departure cost me half my life.
These, I don't blame you for, even until today. I still don't blame you. I know your family manages strictly, everyone hopes you find a hometown sweetheart. You are very filial and obedient, you reluctantly followed your family's wishes. But you neglected me, abandoned me. Left me alone in this city struggling, when loneliness comes, I don't know who to confide in, when I'm lonely, I dare not call you, because you no longer need me, she is by your side. Actually, you love me and like me very much, but you can't betray your parents. These regrets now can only be sung softly alone in front of the screen.
We watched the movie 'Fly Away Together', both moved to tears by the story. Leaning on your chest, I became a teary-eyed person, your eyes were also moist. You told me you haven't grown up, how can you cry watching a movie? At that moment, I really wanted to say, actually, I saw the tears in your eyes. But I didn't say those words, we were both immersed in the entanglement of love, that night, I dreamed. I dreamed that you turned into a butterfly and flew away, when I woke up, my eyes were swollen.
We were arranged by the school leaders to stay at an inn, which served as our accommodation. It was several miles away from the hospital where we interned, we obediently followed the teacher to report to the medical education department.
I never forgot your appearance, never gave up on remembering, because everything was beautiful. The scene of our first meeting that year surpassed any lavish banquet.
Heaven knows how to arrange things, always feeling fate was looking after us. With so many people in the school, so many classes, fate brought us together for the internship. That hospital, that attic, that river, that mountain, that street corner, that park, that alley... So many stories happened there, our footprints, our figures deeply embedded there, never erased, never forgotten. Welcoming the arrival of autumn, enjoying the refreshing breeze, embedding memories in my heart, lighting a stick of incense, making a wish, hoping to love you again in the next life!
Tonight, the flames of reminiscence burn fiercely.
You said, "Let's take a walk in the park, breathe some fresh air, it's too stuffy inside." I said, "Just you and me?" You said, "What's wrong with that? Haven't you ever gone out with a boy?" After hearing that, my heart beat faster, lying that I had never gone out with a boy. My heart thudded, feeling a mix of tension, hesitation, and fear. In short, my heart was like an overturned five-flavor bottle, unable to explain clearly.
Unable to help yourself, you blurted out directly, catching me off guard. It was a hot afternoon, the sun was setting. Leaves danced on the trees, birds sang, composing the happiest songs. I was fanning myself inside, reading a professional book, 'Basic Nursing'. Absorbed in it, you suddenly burst in. You asked me to go out, saying you needed to talk to me. I said, "How rude of you, why don't you knock on the door?" You said, "Because I am used to it, I don't think you will mind." You even said "used to," as if we were familiar with each other. I looked at you, so anxious, then I followed you outside.
Ten months, not long, not short either. If calculated in hours, it's manageable, but if in minutes, I doubt my brain would suffice? The internship was almost over, we were all reluctant to part. After all, this internship was just a station for us, where we would go next, no one knew?
...
Because of liking someone, I often smile with memories. These years, I wanted to sprinkle accumulated thoughts into words. I sighed, merely these words, how can they convey those lingering affections, how can they depict your handsome features from back then?
Unfortunately, it wasn't you who accompanied me to the end.
Your inability led you to speak bluntly, catching me off guard. It was a scorching afternoon, the sun was setting. Leaves danced on the trees, birds chirped, composing the happiest songs. I was fanning myself inside, reading a professional book, 'Basic Nursing'. Absorbed in it, you suddenly burst in. You asked me to go out, saying you needed to talk to me. I said, "How rude of you, why don't you knock on the door?" You said, "Because I am used to it, I don't think you will mind." You even said "used to," as if we were familiar with each other. I looked at you, so anxious, then I followed you outside.
After that, my heart was no longer at peace, always thinking that one day you would leave me, really turn into a butterfly and disappear from my sight? I worried, I feared...
Our majors were different, you were in clinical medicine, I was in nursing. So our separation was inevitable. After graduation, I stayed in Chengdu. You returned to Suining hometown. Your father asked you to return and take over his position, your uncle was also a doctor. So your job was naturally not a problem, you could first learn from your father. You didn't have to worry, but what about me? My chance to stand firm in this city was so uncertain. Initially, I went to several intermediary companies. The units introduced were not prosperous, low wages, poor conditions, bad treatment. In short, I endured a lot of hardships, fell a lot of times. But I, bravely picked myself up. I stabilized in a state-owned enterprise, starting my work.
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