Writer: Su Qin
I am a postgraduate student and I am preparing nervously for applying to study abroad for my doctorate. However, one question has been lingering in my mind, even making me feel restless. Many people look down on women pursuing a Ph.D., and long ago someone referred to female Ph.D.s as "the third kind of person." At first, I didn't care because striving towards one's goals is an exciting and natural thing. In my view, it's like using skin hydration products. But as more and more peers around me enter the temple of marriage or have stable lovers, I began to reflect: Am I progressing too slowly in life?
Because of my outgoing and cheerful personality, I have many male friends around me. But precisely because of this, it shows that none of them really see you as a woman. More than a year ago, I met a boy from the medical school through a friend, and I liked him very much. As we got closer, he, who rarely opened up to others, discussed many of his inner thoughts with me and poured out many of his heartaches. We share quite a few common interests, such as music and food. Compared to my extroversion, he is very introverted. During our long period of interaction, he has never initiated a call to me; all the initiative came from me. Of course, until now, we are just good friends, and neither of us has confessed. Sometimes, I really want to ask him if he likes me. But then I think, we are both very busy with our studies. Even if he said "I like you," what could happen? We couldn't date like regular couples, as he often goes to the department and is so tired every night that he doesn't even have the strength to talk. And I still need to prepare for my exams. Regarding his attitude, I am also unclear. Perhaps knowing is worse than not knowing. Between the two of us, only I seem to be idly waiting and looking forward to a result without any conclusion.
I have lived for twenty-four springs and autumns, but my romantic experience remains a blank slate. You said, "Choose the right person at twenty, do the right thing at thirty." I calculated, by the time I graduate with my Ph.D., I will be twenty-seven, leaving me only three years to struggle. How reluctant I am! By then, my friends will have become fathers and mothers, while my life is just beginning.
In crucial moments, a very stable mental state is needed, but my current situation isn't good. Therefore, I hope to get your guidance. In the future, when I'm nearing thirty and my academic qualifications may not be accepted by ordinary people, can I still find my true love? Currently, how should I treat this person who I am secretly in love with?
— A reader's letter
Su Qin's reply:
This year, you are just 24 years old, but you've already started worrying about major events as you approach thirty. Clearly, you're a sensitive girl with a bit of pessimism. Moreover, it is evident that society has indeed demonized female Ph.D.s.
You must understand that not all female Ph.D.s end up alone. More often, they marry happily. Here’s a point for you: education is like a medicine for women. When used appropriately, its effects double; when misused, it becomes poison.
The key lies in: What level of technical competence does this female Ph.D. possess?
In modern society, not all men reject highly educated women. Rather, men dislike the "looking down" attitude some women adopt once they obtain their Ph.D. They believe they can guide everyone, including their boyfriends, behaving like a teacher among students wherever they go. Such women come across as haughty and aloof, which men dislike. In reality, career-oriented men tend to prefer highly educated women, provided these women remain feminine rather than becoming "the third type of person" who loses their gender characteristics.
Therefore, your fundamental issue doesn't lie in whether you're a female Ph.D. or a female master's degree holder. The degree isn't the key; the key is that you lack romantic experience and don't know how to express your liking for a boy. You need to let the men around you feel that you're a youthful and lovable young woman, not solely focused on your academic qualifications. This is the direction you should strive for.
Many highly educated women today come from "ladylike" backgrounds and have received excellent family education since childhood. Once they enter society, they often don't know how to interact with the opposite sex, which is one of the main reasons why there are so many single women nowadays. Learning how to interact with the opposite sex is indeed a lifelong subject for women.
Take you for example. You like him now but are unsure how to proceed next. In fact, you can try several approaches.
Actually, besides women being nervous and shy when facing the opposite sex, men feel the same way. Some men are particularly passive when it comes to matters of the heart. If you say he's shy and introverted, he might have a bit of a "bookworm" air about him. Asking such a man to openly declare his love is also quite difficult. If you have the courage, boldly confess your feelings to him. Because throughout your interactions, you have always taken the initiative, which has made him accustomed to it. Since this current confusion has already disrupted your normal studies, then boldly seek clarity. At least, after asking, no matter the result, your heart will feel more at ease.
If you don't dare to ask or feel embarrassed, then let your closest girlfriend do it for you. You said this boy shares many of his inner thoughts with you, which has two possibilities: One, he sees you as a confidante and pours out his heart; Two, he sees you as a sister and a close friend. Since you talk less about his affairs, it's hard to determine which category he falls into. In this uncertain situation, you might as well let a third party help. At least, for both you and him, this is a buffer, preventing mutual concerns over hurting each other's face from stopping you from revealing the truth.
Finally, I would like to remind you not to have so many male buddies and to learn to discover the feminine traits within yourself. Men like cheerful and generous girls, but slightly gentle and shy attitudes make men cherish more. If you like a man, consider how you can display your softer side in front of him. Don't refuse blushing or shyness for the sake of saving face, and don't think showing a shy daughter-like demeanor in front of others is artificial. Men often inexplicably fall for certain women, and these women usually possess a soft power.
Female Ph.D.s can also marry well, as long as you have femininity. Your clothing can be softer in color and more figure-defining; your speech can be slightly gentler, not always overly cheerful. Regardless of anything, always ask the other person, "What do you think?"... Try it, if he cares about you, it will work.
Translation by AI Assistant