Original Address: How to Balance Work and Life After Becoming a Mother
Author: Annie Fresh Flowers
Text/Annie Fresh Flowers
To be a full-time mother or a working mother has always been debated. From my personal experience, I have enjoyed the happiness and fulfillment of being a full-time mother devoted entirely to my baby, and I am now experiencing the difficulties of being a working mother who has to juggle multiple responsibilities. In fact, whether you choose to be a full-time mother or a working mother, there needs to be some give and take. As long as you are a mother, you need to balance your dreams with your family, children, husband, and elders.
I remember when my younger child wasn't born yet, I once had a small gathering with my high school classmates. A close classmate was very surprised by the changes in me over the past few years.
He kept asking me: "How can you be so open-minded? How can you let go of such a decent job after having a baby? And now that your career is going well, you're preparing to have a second child? Don't you feel tired? Do you still have your own life? Do you think the sacrifices you've made for your child are worth it?"
I know why he asks these questions; it's because his wife has never wanted to give up her job. I know her quite well. During the SARS period, I once read an article she wrote for her son, which moved me deeply with her talent and maternal love. We also talked about some issues regarding mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships. She once said that women need to earn money; otherwise, they won't have status at home. So she started looking for work when her child was just a few months old and quickly returned to work. I don't know if her thoughts were influenced by her mother-in-law's attitude. Actually, according to her husband's financial situation, being a full-time mom would not be a problem economically, and her husband always wanted her to stay at home. But she insisted on her own ideas, frequently traveling for work and spending little time taking care of her child, which caused complaints from her husband and mother-in-law. When her husband discussed these issues with me, their marriage was already on the brink.
I feel sorry for their marriage and sympathize with this innocent child. Whether or not to be a full-time mom, this matter itself is neither right nor wrong. However, in dealing with this issue, how to show love for the family, husband, and children, how to make choices, and how to achieve balance in one's life are the most important considerations.
In the traditional Chinese concept, a highly educated person becoming a full-time mom is equivalent to being a housewife. Therefore, parents who raised us might be the first ones to disapprove. Even if they know that we have no economic problems, they worry about our future and the uncertainty of our families. They might also feel that we have failed their expectations for us to become successful.
Once, I was in the library in Vancouver, where the sunshine was great, and many mothers pushed their babies out to enjoy the sun. One day, I heard a seemingly cultured Chinese aunt (probably around 60 years old) lamenting repeatedly: "It's tragic, truly tragic! All these people are highly educated, crossing seas and oceans to come here, and now they spend their days playing with their kids. What a waste of talent!" At the time, the surrounding full-time moms all exchanged smiles.
I know that for these moms, they are supporters and beneficiaries of being full-time mothers. Abroad, mothers generally take care of their children full-time until they are three years old. Some Western mothers usually have two or three children, so full-time mothers often last about ten years. Even those female professionals like doctors and lawyers, who spent many years and a lot of money on their careers, have a high proportion choosing to be full-time mothers.
Objectively speaking, childcare costs abroad are very high, and in principle, nurseries only accept children over three years old. Taking Vancouver as an example, if the cost per child is 600-1000 Canadian dollars/month (equivalent to 4000-7000 RMB), then the cost of childcare for three children is astonishing.
Subjectively, parents participate more in the education of their children abroad. For children’s behavior and etiquette, it is believed that this should be the responsibility of the parents. Also, kindergartens and schools abroad do not provide as many extended services as in China. Therefore, the whole society places the education of children primarily in the hands of the family, regardless of the parents' status. Even presidents and prime ministers invest a lot of energy in their children. Parents take this responsibility more seriously than domestic parents and do not consider handing it over to others. Additionally, there is no habit of grandparents raising grandchildren abroad.
Furthermore, interest classes for children start very early abroad. For instance, swimming training classes begin at six months, and skating training starts at 3/4 years old. These interest classes generally occur between 3-6 pm. If parents work, these activities are almost impossible to carry out. Moreover, for them, various interests, especially physical sports skills and specialties, may be more important than studying. This is a difference in concepts. Therefore, full-time mothers abroad are quite normal. Of course, there are also many who do not choose to be full-time mothers. In general, being a full-time mother does not bring as much mental pressure as it does domestically.
In recent years, there are more and more highly educated full-time mothers in China, which I think reflects social progress. In our parents' generation, they struggled daily for basic survival, and the whole society did not value education. There was also no one who truly regarded children as worthy research subjects to explore the motives and needs behind their behaviors. As a result, many people discover psychological issues originating from childhood in adulthood. Just as my mother said, it wasn't until I had my daughter that I could discuss some viewpoints on child psychology with her, and she began to understand what children are like. From this perspective, the more full-time mothers there are in society, especially highly educated ones, the greater the promotion will be for children's education in China.
From the perspective of individual children, what children really need during their growth is two things: one is a sense of security, also called mother-child attachment. The other is social adaptability. The establishment of both points is most crucial before the age of three, mainly obtained from the mother.
The greatest benefit of mothers being with their children every day is the better establishment of the child's sense of security. This sense of security is extremely useful. Confidence and trust in others are essential qualities for many successful individuals. Some people lack confidence even in adulthood and find it hard to trust others, and the root cause mostly stems from the feelings given by their mother before the age of three. That is, the mother did not allow the child to feel unconditional love at any time. It might be due to time constraints or methodological issues. From this point of view, although full-time mothers seem to lose themselves in the first three years of their child's life, eventually, they gain the child's entire life.
Therefore, in making choices during this period, I think parents should have a longer-term vision. Often online discussions focus on the difficulties of being a full-time mother. Some families hand over their children to grandparents because they have time. It should be noted that some grandparents are good at educating children, but the proportion of such grandparents is not high. If you hand over your child to a grandparent who doesn't understand education, especially those who scoff at scientific parenting, I think you're gambling with your child's entire life. Perhaps today you save yourself from accompanying them for three years, but later, to correct their bad habits, you may spend several more years, and very possibly end up with no results.
For my two children, I accompanied my elder child during the first two years. Even when going out for errands, I took him along. In the last year, due to starting my own company, I sent him to kindergarten, but later stopped because of management issues. During this period, it was a semi-accompanying state. For my younger child, due to work pressure, the quality of my accompaniment was worse, especially during the critical separation anxiety phase, when I couldn't fully accompany him. Therefore, some issues still remain.
The dilemma concerning my younger child was the hardest decision I had to make. Because a bunch of things were ongoing, and a group of people followed me, relying on my development, dismissing everyone for the sake of the child was obviously impossible. So, despite knowing what my early mornings and late nights meant to my child, I had no choice. Fortunately, after a few months of early mornings and late nights, I managed to let him see me during the day. Still, I couldn't focus all my energy on him. This has always been one of my biggest regrets.
While writing this article, it was also when I decided to help my younger child adjust to the new environment. In two months, my younger child will go to kindergarten. I hope he can smoothly transition during this critical period. Before entering kindergarten, I hope to take him more to adapt to the environment, giving him full psychological support. Coincidentally, my product design and development tasks for this year are basically completed, and the designer is on vacation, so I'm taking a break myself. By reasonably arranging other work, I believe the world will keep spinning, and the company won't be greatly affected. This is also one of my trade-offs.
I think, whether you are a full-time mother or a working mother, learn to distinguish between priorities in life. Prioritize work when it's most needed, and prioritize being with your child when they need you most. Life always requires a balanced fulcrum. In my eyes, a so-called successful person should first be a happy person; and a happy person most needs to know what they want and what their loved ones need. While pursuing what you want, you must consider the other party's needs, and even put aside your own needs to satisfy theirs when they need you the most, in order to gain their true love. This applies to both partners and children. Of course, such a way of living also requires understanding and support from your partner. In terms of children's education, you should separate respect for elders from education. If you can't have both, separate them. Otherwise, elders will have opinions, and the child's growth will also be affected.
Learn to make choices and seek a balance in life; this is a wisdom of life. I hope we won't regret our choices in a few years. After all, life cannot start over. Someone said, work like an ant and live like a butterfly. I completely agree. As long as we are mindful, we will play our roles in life well.
Another year of maple leaves turning red: The red leaves in Deer Lake Park in Vancouver are very famous. Although Canada is the land of maple leaves, not every tree has red leaves. The brilliant red, tender yellow, and fresh green at Deer Lake Park are truly breathtaking.
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Other excellent blog posts related to education:
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"Seven" delights, all in the new version of Sina Blog, come and experience it~
Emotions are indeed a terrifying thing; everything stems from emotions. Honor and sin are all based on emotions. Suddenly, I feel like I've seen through everything, unprecedented peace. Behind the splendor, amidst the clamor, only the great compassionate spell in my heart continues to sing, along with the elegant Guanyin Inspiration Song.
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