Last night, I chatted for a long time with an old schoolmate whom I haven't seen for a long time. He is a good buddy of Gang's, and they played best when they were in high school. After he knew about our relationship, he said that he would like to help me. He asked for his phone number and QQ number. I know it is useless actually, but I still have a little hope. But as you can imagine, the result is not satisfying. However, I still thank him. He said that he has the same experience as me, so we talked mostly about this period of painful history. I really feel sentimental.
I am really afraid of such repeated farewells. Every day when loneliness hits me, the fear and helplessness break down my pretended strength into pieces. I am afraid of this kind of life, and I am afraid of the days without him. I don't know how long I can hold on. Maybe one day when I can't hold on anymore, I will just collapse and never get up again. Because the only reason I am living now is to wait for him to come back to me, and live together forever. Dear Gang, I love you.
Yesterday during dinner, when we talked about moving houses, Roger said that he would go home in mid-April, with an 80% possibility of returning. At that moment, Yu Ying and I both froze, and tears streamed down our faces. I don't know since when I started to be afraid of farewells. Yu Ying said that we won't be able to have meals together anymore. And I thought too much. All the friends around us are leaving one by one, and we suddenly feel so lonely and helpless. Our house used to be so lively, with me, Gang, Yu Ying, Roger, sometimes Wenzi, and also Xiaoqin, Chunyu, and classmates often coming over to play. It really felt lively. There were many people during meals, and after eating, everyone did their own things. It was a bit noisy but very comfortable. I really liked the feeling of being together. Often when he was playing games, I wanted to mess with him. He would say, "Behave, or I will die." Then I would sit next to him for a while, lie on his small bed for a while, and then do my own thing. However, since he left, I feel like my life fell into the abyss. Every day when I go home, I can't see him sitting there playing games, I can't see his small bed, I can't hear his voice, and I can't smell his scent. I remember every time I came back, I would first check if he was back. If he was back, I would go see him first. If he wasn't back, I would call him to ask where he was. Every day seeing him made me feel at ease and satisfied. But now everything has changed, everyone is changing, and I am still standing still. Now every day when I go back and see the empty house, I don't want to do anything, and I don't want to eat. I feel like I am living a meaningless life. The feeling of wanting to die but unable to is indescribable.