Netizen's letter:
Dear Xiaolongnü,
Hello, today I browsed your blog and found that every one of your replies is so understanding. Although some replies are also direct and sharp, they all resonate deeply. I am very confused right now and don't know how to continue. I hope to receive your reply.
I am 27 years old, and the story happened in 2008, the year I graduated. In May, because there was something going on at home, I took a week off and returned to my hometown. After my dad's health improved a bit, I prepared to return to school by bus. On the bus, I met my current boyfriend who is two years older than me. Since we sat together, he was quite caring towards me. Because we were close in age, we chatted along the way and later discovered that our destinations were the same place. After getting off the bus, he even escorted me back to school. From that day on, he started sending text messages and making phone calls daily, showing concern for me like a friend. Gradually, we started dating.
At the beginning, he was very thoughtful and considerate. We dated for a few months, celebrating birthdays together. Later, after I graduated from university and started working, he said he didn't feel comfortable about me being alone, so he quit his job and planned to develop here where I was. Since he didn't finish junior high school, there were many restrictions on his job choices. After playing around for a few months, he eventually found work as a security guard with similar roles. At the time, I didn't care about the difference in our salaries. I just thought that since we were young, we could earn money together. After graduating from university, I worked hard as a Hubei native in Yiwu. Two years later, which is now, I have become a department manager with a monthly salary of 6000 yuan. He is still at the lowest level, earning only 1300 yuan a month. Most of the time, he has a bad temper and easily gets into arguments with others. He got fired from two jobs within three months.
Actually, the biggest issue isn't the difference in salaries, but rather that he didn't show his bad temper when we first started dating; it only became apparent later. His temper is very bad—"because he feels wronged, so he becomes sad, really sad...". He loses his temper easily and often resorts to physical violence. The first half-year was okay, but later his temper became more evident. There were several times when over small matters, he left me covered in bruises. Afterwards, he would show concern and love as if nothing had happened. I forgave him several times, hoping to have a serious talk with him and encourage him to change. But it got worse and worse. A single word could provoke him to resort to violence. He says he cares too much about me, sometimes claiming it’s my own fault. As a Guangxi native in Yiwu, while I have been working hard to make money, he hasn’t been able to do anything well. He once threatened me, saying that if I didn’t listen to him or broke up with him, he would kill me. I still have a scar on my face that hasn't healed yet. When he gets violent, he doesn't hold back. Several times I fainted. Afterwards, he buys medicine and takes care of me. But I’m heartbroken. I’ve wanted to leave multiple times. I even thought of dying, but he says he can find me anywhere—even if I go to the ends of the earth. If he finds me, I'm dead for sure. I used to be an ambitious girl, getting along well with friends and colleagues, and maintaining a good image. I was part of the modeling team at school. Due to poor family conditions, I paid for the last two years of university through part-time work. Originally, I planned to work for two years after graduation and then pursue a master's degree. Now, I am tormented by him and suffer endlessly. I've already become a department manager, but I don't want to go to work with injuries every day. I really don't know what to do. I hope you can give me some advice. Thank you!
Reply:
Let us imagine two scenarios: one, if he knocks you unconscious and you never wake up again, meaning he has beaten you to death, then you wouldn't even have the chance to write this letter. Two, if he knocks you unconscious and forces you to take medication, and after some time you remain unconscious, can you expect this executioner to rush you to the hospital? No. Sending you to the hospital would be equivalent to turning himself in to the police station, leading to a long prison sentence. More likely, he would abandon you and flee. If that happens, you will die at home due to lack of timely medical attention.
Also, if the scars on your face don't heal properly and leave marks, it should be considered disfigurement. That is to say, he has disfigured you, knocking you unconscious multiple times, leaving you on the brink of life and death. It's already a miracle that you're alive to write this letter. You must understand the severity of the situation!
To avoid further harm, breaking up with him is unquestionable. The only thing you need to decide is whether to pursue legal action against him. During the breakup process, you must pay attention to protecting your personal safety. It's a simple matter: won't you call 110 (emergency number in China)? If you just want to get rid of trouble, you can consider changing your address, phone number, and workplace, moving away from shared living spaces, or even changing cities. If you decide to pursue legal responsibility, starting now, you should hire a professional lawyer or seek assistance (remember, we have a warm organization called Women's Federation!). Pay attention to collecting effective evidence of his violent behavior and personal threats towards you, and file a formal lawsuit in court.
Men who use violence and threats against women are often bullies who appear tough but are inwardly weak. The more you forgive and accommodate him, the more he intensifies his persecution of you. You must understand one thing: after hurting you, his attentive care is not because he cares about you, but because he is afraid you will report his intentional harm as a criminal act. In other words, to break free from his control and persecution, you must be brave.
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