I don't know what's wrong with me recently. Every day, I have a frown on my face, and even when I try to smile, it feels so unpleasant. I feel extremely empty, restless, and lonely. This sense of emptiness is overwhelming. Many times, I hope someone could accompany me, listen to my inner thoughts, and communicate with me. But most of the time, I can't confide in my sisters or friends; I can only keep those things bottled up inside, which makes me very depressed. Maybe I shouldn't pretend to be someone I'm not—it would be less exhausting. On some days, when I'm full of energy, I chat endlessly with strangers in groups, like a deity conversing with others. Afterward, I realize how ridiculous this behavior is. Lonely girl that I am, I don’t do these things to attract anyone’s attention. Why? Not really. Even I don’t know why. I just feel more unhappy and lonelier.
Having many friends doesn't mean anything to me anymore. There are no texts, no calls. I know I am too lonely, too empty, too bored, so I often do trivial things. In front of others, I appear arrogant and indifferent, not allowing anyone to get close intentionally. But when I am alone, I am so vulnerable, so weak, often lying in bed staring at the ceiling while smoking. Late at night, I wish my phone would vibrate slightly, hoping someone would call or chat with me to comfort my heart. But every time, my phone remains silent. Even if it vibrates, it's just some random messages on QQ. Carefully thinking about it, except for the person I truly care about in my heart, who else could care for me? Flipping through my phone, I think I should reconnect with my friends.
Yesterday evening, I went to a bar. Watching people sway in front of me, those who were getting drunk and letting go, my heart was filled with too much heaviness. I need to release it. I don't know where else I can go besides bars to drink and let out my emotions. I can't shout alone on the streets every night, nor can I stand still screaming like crazy. I can't continue to suppress all my heavy emotions silently, lifelessly. Therefore, I need to vent, I need to release myself properly, rather than wearing a fake mask every day. My alcohol tolerance is very low. So low that I pass out after drinking just a little bit. When I came back, I slept immediately. Ugh, I woke up because someone was knocking frantically early in the morning. My stomach hurt terribly. Pei Pei called and said she would come see me right away. She brought me strawberries. That kind and adorable woman, I admire her so much.
I want to cry loudly, to wail until my heart is relieved, to let out all the unpleasantness pent up inside me. But I just can't cry. Then, I force a smile on my face. I want to lean on someone's shoulder, but I don't consider myself as a woman who always needs support or lacks security. I just want to... but these wishes remain just that—wishes that cannot come true. Crying has become something laughable in my heart. Actually, all my close friends are my treasures, but I have to let them go because I don't want them to worry about me. However, finding a shoulder to lean on is hard. There isn't any man who would willingly let a strange woman rely on him, and there aren't familiar men around me either. Thus, I have no one to lean on.
In fact, I've always known that this world is full of lies. Everyone is deceiving, either themselves or others. Some lies are forced, some are deliberate deceptions. I don't know if the secrets in my heart, the things I've concealed, count as lies or deceptions. I know that my lies are unavoidable ones, meant to protect my family and friends from worrying about me. I don't know what else I could do. After all, many things aren't simply done by wanting to. Some people or events cannot be forgotten just because you want to; they hide in some corner of your heart. To avoid feeling so sad, zzf000zxyb4_Baidu Space, I must behave well. Recently, hearing some friends' marriage news made me reflect on my own feelings. When it comes to my love life, I just smile without comment. Others are getting married, while I’m confused. If I ask myself, I genuinely don't know the answer.
Finally, I think:
This world is so deceitful,
This world is so tragic,
Every breath carries sorrowful vibes.
It suffocates people,
And the void keeps expanding.