2011 is equal for everyone, but not everyone's 2011 was fortunate. For me, this year was a mix of joy and sorrow, a blend of fulfillment and emptiness. Although I didn't catch the high-speed train to paradise, didn't ride on the fragile school bus, or even avoid being chased by urban management officers or forcibly demolished by violence, in my ordinary life, I couldn't escape the harm done to my charitable heart by the Red Cross, the blow to my spirit of kindness by passersby who refuse to help the dying, or the contamination of my delicious food by gutter oil, or the erosion of my strong physique by drinking milk. I am just a small person, living in a small corner of society, leading a small life filled with bitterness, spiciness, sourness, and sweetness.
I am a small employee. Busy all year round, I will not receive a year-end bonus equivalent to 27 months' salary like those in state-owned enterprises at the end of the year. Since the start of my working history, such a crazily large red envelope has never been issued. Since there are no economic benefits, I can only seek spiritual satisfaction. Although I am not Lu Xun's Ah Q, Ah Q's method of spiritual victory really makes one feel balanced in loneliness. At the age of thirty, my career has not yet taken off. I can only sway the end of my youth in an ordinary position, watching the dream of a successful political career gradually disappear into the gray sky. I am not outstanding, nor lazy. Apart from doing my best to do my own duties, I cannot find any reason that would make my superiors look favorably upon me. If there is any harvest in my work, it is the convenience of my position, which has earned me a provincial honor, and in the system paper evaluation, my humble work won second prize. Of course, this is not boasting. I clearly know that these strange things cannot be eaten as food, nor are they qualifications for promotion. I am just a small employee, satisfying the fleeting vanity of living in the current secular society with these illusions.
I have a hobby, which is writing blogs. As a poor second generation, I don't have money to support a life of debauchery, nor do I have power to live a life of commanding the winds and rains. I can only find a hobby that is both inexpensive and meaningful in a calm and helpless life, to pass the time and cultivate healthy interests. I am not an expert, but I shamelessly registered on China.com's Expert Blog. However, the editor did give me face, occasionally recommending a few of my articles to the homepage of China.com Blogs or even the homepage of China.com, making me quite proud. But then I thought, blogging is not like debating on Mount Hua, there is no need to compete for superiority, as long as it brings happiness. Later, before last New Year's Day, I also opened my second base on Tianya Blog. At first, the editor did not recommend my articles for a long time. I thought that since I was not famous, I could not bring enough popularity to the website, or perhaps because I was not from a scholarly family, my writing skills were not good enough to be displayed in public. For a period of time, I felt quite disheartened. I did not give up. The courage to persist is needed in the positions I chose after many strategic transfers (which is said to be another way of saying failure). Later, the senior editor "Eshi Yi" of Tianya Blog recommended my articles many times, which made me happy for a while. My only reason is that this sufficiently proves that my previous feeling of inadequacy was completely wrong, my articles were not very bad. During this time, some articles were reprinted by some websites or print media. Although I do not expect my insignificant words to change society, as a person, I can at least voice my own opinion. A small person with little influence, having a place to speak and someone to listen is already quite lucky, I think.
My family is an ordinary three-person household. My spouse is a doctor, but had to resign from her formal job to solve the problem of living apart and found a temporary job in the city where I live. Of course, this temporary job is definitely not the kind that takes the blame in critical moments. Unfortunately, before I could fully enjoy the happiness of our reunion, another event occurred that was enough to make me mentally collapse. It was during National Day. My spouse was diagnosed with cancer. Hospitalization, surgery, biopsy, treatment, and seven days later she was discharged. Cancer completely shattered her courage to continue living, as if her life might end on an uncertain future day. This mental pain tormented my spouse, and I also bore the pain of trying to alleviate her mental suffering. Time passed slowly, and my spouse gradually accepted this harsh reality, followed the doctor's advice to take medicine, check-ups, tests, etc., and her mood improved gradually. Death has become the topic we discuss most when lying in bed together. I do not know how to drive away the black ghost hovering over our heads in the darkness.
The child becomes the spiritual pillar supporting the continuation of our entire life. We寄托all our hopes on her, hoping she grows up well. We chose a very good local school for her, despite paying a high price, we do not care; we enrolled her in essay and dance classes, although it is hard work, she does not feel tired, very actively, never needing us to urge her, she remembers the time she should go to class clearly. The growth of the child is a cultivation of interest, she likes it, we will not stop her, just like dancing, an 8-year-old child, her waist always hurts, we persuade her not to dance anymore, but she really doesn't want to stop. Yes, children dance not only to shape their bodies, but also to appear on TV from time to time, their hearts may be blooming beautifully.
Looking at the time, in less than an hour, the year 2011 will be gone forever. I cannot hold back the steps of time, nor block the arrival of dawn. Ordinary life is like this, year after year, day after day, showing the true colors of life in the mundane. Tomorrow I still have to go to work, so I can only write here, after all, at the beginning of the new year, we cannot greet the new year in a listless state.
Wish everyone a happy new year!
December 31st, 2011, Midnight 23:15