Where is the future for an older divorced woman? Dear Teacher Du: I saw your reply on Jiayuan and it was very profound. Today, I am boldly writing to you for guidance, hoping to clear my confusion. My name is Zhongtian Shengshi (can be published publicly). I am 35 years old this year. I had a short marriage in 2003, and up to now, I have not remarried. I am very anxious, and my heart is very uneasy. I want to get married, but I myself cannot figure out the criteria for choosing a partner. I think my mind has already become unhealthy.
I only have a junior college degree, and I currently work in a technical position (just enough to support myself). My appearance is average, I don't own a house, and my parents' financial situation is not good either. My original plan for choosing a partner was: must have a house (independent, not living with parents), medium income, height at least 173 cm, can be divorced (but no children), and sexual life should be harmonious.
I have been registered on Jiayuan for several years, but I haven't met anyone suitable yet. Is it because I put myself in a framework? If it's not like this, then it's not like that.
If I can re-establish my criteria for choosing a partner, first of all, there must be a house, and the sexual life should be harmonious, and no children from previous relationships. I need a stable life.
I always want to find someone satisfactory, and I always want someone better than my previous boyfriend, so I waited for 9 years.
Recently, I received many letters from the opposite sex who have children, and I am very confused. First of all, my personality is very simple, I am not mentally prepared to be a stepmother, nor do I want to be annoyed. Again, I want to have my own child. The pressure of life now is very big, and it's also very difficult.
I must admit that my thinking is problematic. If I want to get married, what kind of criteria should I choose for a partner that would be suitable for me?
Please give me some advice in your busy schedule! Thank you very much. Looking forward to your reply.
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Hello! Thank you for your trust. As the title says, you are an older divorced woman. Although you have had a short marriage, the fact of being divorced cannot be avoided. As you said: "I always want to find someone satisfactory, and I always want someone better than my previous boyfriend, so I waited for 9 years." — How did you wait for 9 years? At the age of 26, you were waiting for someone better, right? Waiting for 9 years, what does this prove? It proves that you are getting older, but as a man, they might become more valuable with age, which is really frustrating. This reminds me of the housing prices in Beijing, starting from the year 2000, I kept waiting, the government said the price would drop (later the government argued that it was about reducing the rate of increase), until finally, in 2007, I bought a small house at the highest price at that time, just to prove that I no longer believe in the government's lies, I believe in myself more, trust my eyes, I found that Beijing's housing prices are really hard to drop, so I decided to act. Later, it proved that my decision was correct. If I had bought a house in 2000, wouldn't I have made a lot of money? But life doesn't have regret pills, the most important thing is to re-recognize society, recognize this government, re-recognize oneself, and discover how important it is to understand oneself. I tell you this pain in my heart to illustrate that one must understand reality, and reality is cruel. Once a girl passes the age of 26, her value in marriage basically starts to decline. But this is not to say that all girls devalue after 26; the key is whether the girl is willing to improve herself. Like you, you got divorced, have you thought about your responsibility? If you haven't truly reflected on your own problems, then how can any man enter your eyes with this kind of resentment? It's not that every divorced woman is bad. One visitor also had a short marriage history, but she initially concealed her marriage history, only telling the boy after he fell in love with her that she had a short marriage history, and the unmarried party could accept it, because divorce is not always one's own fault. There were just some issues going back to her in-laws' home, but I believe she can handle this problem well. After all, whether or not one has a marriage history is a very private matter. As long as both sides can keep the secret, what can others do? Just like each of us may have scars, but as long as we don't become pilots, these scars are not a problem.
Now, the primary issue you need to solve is your mindset:
1. Divorce is not necessarily your fault, but you must clearly understand where your problems lie.
2. Divorce also has its advantages, namely, making you more aware of cherishing and managing emotions more effectively.
3. Directly break away from the idea of competing with your ex-boyfriend (or ex-husband?). You are looking for a husband, not a man better than him. Breaking this mindset will allow you to seriously treat each person you meet through matchmaking. Otherwise, you will always be unconsciously stirring up negative emotions, which is not only detrimental to yourself but also disrespectful to others.
Based on your conditions, there seem to be two possible paths:
1. Find a man around your age to date and marry. Since you are divorced, you certainly have the right to look for another divorced person without children. However, divorced men without children seem to still be relatively "popular," and they appear to be more valued by unmarried women. This competitive factor you cannot ignore. I have a visitor with excellent personal conditions, a marital history, and even asked me to help him pursue a divorced man, which shows how brutal the matrimonial market is. Therefore, I suggest you consider finding a divorced man with children? The younger the child, the better.
2. Find a younger boy. I think this option carries quite a bit of risk. I'm afraid you won't be able to handle such a boy well because when he grows up and his career takes off, you will be older, isn't it just like fishing in a dried-up pond? I don't know why you specifically require a harmonious sex life. Actually, sex life is generally harmonious. Normal men usually know these things unless the man has certain diseases, which should have a relatively low probability, right? So, I think it's unnecessary to use this external condition as a criterion from the beginning. Height must be 1.73 meters, right? I'm only 1.72 meters, but many people think I am tall. Ha ha, this is mainly determined by a person's temperament. So, can you treat height as a less important requirement when choosing? A man loving you is the most important thing, right? Is this influenced by your ex-husband? Is he taller than 1.73 meters? If that's the case, such comparison is meaningless. And treating height as a condition makes potential partners feel that you are too vulgar.
At the age of 35, do you still care about these things? Everything depends on your self-control. Eliminate the unnecessary conditions, find the core conditions of yourself, face the reality, this is your urgent task.