The principle is very simple, which is to let the child bear the consequences and grow truly. This is the educational concept of Today's Academy and also the greatest gift that parents can give to their children - giving them true respect. Therefore, these children who seem to be "punished" actually love their mothers more because they know what true love is in their hearts. However, this simple educational philosophy is quite lacking in Chinese families. As a result, our children often have many shortcomings, even problems with simple things like eating. Children are often cold towards their parents. In fact, it's because the parents don't really care about the child's "heart," so naturally the child won't have true feelings for the parents. A child educated by this method of eliminating emotions and bearing consequences will not be rejected by Today's Academy. And when they grow up, they won't be "dismissed" by society either. I hope Chinese parents learn this simple educational method - nurturing children with heart. Liu Minghui, written while contemplating the selection of new students.
How does my American daughter-in-law educate my grandson? (Reprint)
My son went to the United States for his studies and settled there after graduation. He also found me a foreign daughter-in-law named Susan. Now, my little grandson Toby is already three years old. This summer, my son applied for a family visit visa for me. During my three-month stay in the U.S., my foreign daughter-in-law Susan’s methods of educating her child opened my eyes as a Chinese grandmother.
Not eating means going hungry
Every morning after Toby wakes up, Susan places breakfast on the dining table and then goes off to do her own thing. Toby climbs onto the stool himself, drinks milk, and eats bread slices. After he has eaten his fill, he returns to his room, finds clothes and shoes from his wardrobe, and dresses himself. After all, Toby is only three years old and still doesn’t know the front and back of clothes or the left and right of shoes. Once, Toby put his pants on backwards again, and I hurriedly tried to help him change them, but was stopped by Susan. She said that if he feels uncomfortable, he will take them off and re-wear them; if he doesn’t feel any discomfort, then we should just let it be. That whole day, Toby ran around with his pants on backwards, and Susan acted as if she didn’t see it at all.
Another time, Toby went out to play with neighborhood children and soon came running home breathlessly, telling Susan: “Mom, Lucy says my pants are on backwards, really?” Lucy is a five-year-old girl from the neighboring house. Susan smiled and said: “Yes, would you like to turn them back?” Toby nodded, took off his pants, carefully looked at them, and put them back on. From then on, Toby never wore his pants backwards again.
I couldn't help but think about my granddaughter, who didn't know how to use chopsticks at the age of five or six, and didn’t know how to tie shoelaces when she started primary school. Now, she is in a boarding junior high school and brings home a pile of dirty clothes every weekend.
One noon, Toby was upset and refused to eat. Susan scolded him a few times, and the stubborn little Toby pushed the plate to the ground, spilling the food everywhere. Susan looked at Toby seriously and said: “It seems like you really don’t want to eat! Remember, from now until tomorrow morning, you cannot eat anything.” Toby shook his head and firmly replied: “Yes!” I secretly laughed inside, thinking both mother and son were pretty stubborn!
In the afternoon, Susan and I discussed, and it was decided that I would cook Chinese dishes for dinner. I understood immediately, knowing that Toby loves Chinese food and surely Susan thought that since he didn’t eat well at lunch, he might eat more at dinner.
That evening, I showed off my cooking skills and made Toby's favorite sweet and sour pork ribs, oil-braised large shrimp, and used Italian noodles to make Chinese-style cold noodles. Toby loved those cold noodles and could eat a full large plate as a small person.
Dinner began, and Toby happily climbed onto the stool. However, Susan walked over, took away his plate and cutlery, saying: “We have agreed that today you cannot eat, and you yourself agreed too.” Toby looked at his serious mom and burst into tears, crying and saying: “Mom, I’m hungry, I want to eat.” “No, once you say something, you must keep your word.” Susan showed no mercy.
I felt sorry for Toby and wanted to plead on his behalf, saying some nice words, but my son gave me a look. Recalling when I first arrived in the U.S., my son told me that when parents discipline their children in America, others shouldn’t interfere, even elders. Helpless, I remained silent.
During that meal, from start to finish, poor little Toby sat in his toy car, looking longingly at the three adults devouring their food. At that moment, I understood Susan's real intention in letting me cook Chinese cuisine. I believe that next time, when Toby wants to throw a tantrum and toss his bowl, he will remember the experience of being hungry while watching his parents and grandmother enjoy delicious food. Being hungry is an unpleasant feeling, especially when facing your favorite food.
Before bedtime, Susan and I went to say goodnight to Toby. Toby boldly asked: “Mom, I’m hungry, can I eat Chinese noodles now?” Susan smiled and shook her head firmly: “No!” Toby sighed and asked again: “Then can I eat after I wake up from sleep?” “Of course you can.” Susan gently answered. Toby smiled sweetly.
In most cases, Toby eats actively, as he doesn't want to miss out on food due to "striking" and suffer the pain of hunger again. Whenever I see Toby burying his head and eating big bites, his face and mouth covered in food, I think of my granddaughter. When she was Toby's age, several adults had to chase after her with bowls of rice to coax her to eat, and she wouldn’t comply unless we negotiated: one toy for finishing one bowl, another toy for finishing another bowl...
An eye for an eye
One day, we took Toby to the park to play. Soon, Toby played a kitchen game with two girls. Plastic small pots, shovels, plates, and bowls were scattered all over the ground. Suddenly, the mischievous Toby picked up the small pot and hit it hard on one girl's head. The girl froze for a moment and burst into tears. The other girl, younger, seeing this, was also scared and cried loudly. Perhaps Toby didn't expect such a serious consequence, standing aside, stunned.
Susan walked over, cleared up the situation, and without a word, picked up the small pot and hit it hard on Toby's head. Toby wasn't prepared, fell sitting on the grass, and wailed loudly. Susan asked Toby: “Does it hurt? Will you do it again next time?” Toby cried and shook his head vigorously. I believe he won't do it again in the future.
Toby's uncle gave him a light blue bicycle, which Toby loved dearly, treating it as a treasure and not allowing anyone else to touch it. Lucy, the neighbor girl, is Toby's best friend and requested multiple times to ride his bike, but Toby didn't allow it.
Once, when the children were playing together, Lucy took advantage of Toby's distraction, secretly rode his bike, and rode away triumphantly. After discovering this, Toby angrily ran to complain to Susan. Susan was chatting and drinking coffee with the mothers of the other children, so she smiled and said: “You solve your own problem, Mom can't help.” Toby had no choice but to leave.
After a while, Lucy returned riding the bike. Seeing Lucy, Toby pushed her down, grabbed the bike, and Lucy sat on the ground crying. Susan picked up Lucy, consoled her for a bit, and soon Lucy was happily playing with the other kids.
After riding the bike for a while, Toby felt a bit bored and saw the other children having fun. He wanted to join them but felt a little embarrassed. He shuffled over to Susan and muttered: “Mom, I want to play with Lucy and the others.” Susan flatly said: “Then go find them yourself!” “Mom, come with me,” Toby pleaded. “That’s not possible, it was you who made Lucy cry earlier, and now you want to play with everyone, so you need to solve the problem yourself.”
Toby slowly rode the bike closer to Lucy, turned back when almost near her, and returned several times. Unbeknownst to when, Toby and Lucy were laughing and playing joyfully again.
Disciplining the child is the parents' responsibility
Susan's parents live in California. Hearing that I came, they drove over to visit us. With guests at home, Toby was excited, running up and down and bustling around. He filled a small bucket for playing in the sand with water and carried it around the house. Susan warned him several times not to spill water on the floor, but Toby ignored her. Finally, Toby tipped over the bucket, spilling water everywhere. Happy little Toby didn't think he had done anything wrong and even gleefully stomped barefoot in the water, soaking his pants. I immediately fetched a mop to clean the floor. Susan snatched the mop from my hands and handed it to Toby, telling him: “Mop up the water, take off your wet clothes, and wash them yourself.” Toby resisted, crying and making a fuss. Without hesitation, Susan dragged him to the storeroom and locked him in solitary confinement. Hearing Toby's thunderous cries inside, I felt terrible and wanted to go in and carry him out. However, Toby's grandmother stopped me, saying: “This is Susan's matter.”
After a while, Toby stopped crying and shouted loudly from the storeroom: “Mom, I'm sorry.” Susan stood outside the door and asked: “Do you know what to do now?” “I know.” Susan opened the door, and Toby walked out from the storeroom, tears still streaming down his cheeks. He struggled with the mop, twice his height, to mop up the water on the floor. Then, he took off his pants, held them in his hand, walked into the bathroom naked, and washed his clothes thoroughly.
Toby's grandparents watched me with shocked expressions and smiled meaningfully. This incident left a deep impression on me. In many Chinese families, when parents discipline their children, it often leads to a "world war," with grandparents on one side protecting, and grandparents on the other side blocking, couples arguing, and chaos ensuing.
Later, when I chatted with Toby's grandparents and mentioned this incident, Toby's grandfather said something that deeply impressed me. He said that the child is the parents' child, and first and foremost, the parents' way of educating the child must be respected. Although the child is young, they are born diplomats. When they see disagreements among family members, they cleverly exploit the gaps. This not only does nothing to improve their behavior but instead makes the problem increasingly severe, potentially leading to even more issues. Moreover, conflicts among family members create disharmony in the home atmosphere, bringing more insecurity to the child and negatively affecting their psychological development. Therefore, whether it is differences between the older generation and the younger generation in educating children or discrepancies in the educational views of the couple, conflicts should not occur in front of the child.
Toby's grandparents stayed at home for a week and were preparing to return to California. Two days before leaving, Toby's grandfather seriously asked his daughter: “Toby wants a toy excavator, can I buy it for him?” Susan thought for a moment and said: “You’ve already given him roller skates as a gift this time, wait until Christmas to buy the toy excavator as a gift.”
I don't know how Toby's grandfather explained it to the little guy, but later when I took Toby to the supermarket, he pointed at the toy excavator and said: “Grandpa said that at Christmas, he'll buy this as a gift for me.” His tone was full of surprise and anticipation.
Although Susan is strict with Toby, Toby loves his mother immensely. When playing outside, he collects ugly flowers or leaves he thinks are beautiful and solemnly presents them to his mother; when someone gives him a gift, he invites his mother to open it with him; whenever he has something tasty, he always keeps half for his mother.
Thinking of many Chinese children's neglect and indifference towards their parents, I can't help but admire my foreign daughter-in-law. In my view, American mothers have many aspects in educating children that Chinese mothers can learn from.
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