I've been waking up late for two days in a row, and it's really getting me down. Every day, I arrive at work at 8:10, taking the elevator under everyone's watchful eyes, and it feels so embarrassing. My mood has been extremely low these past couple of days, and I can't muster any interest in anyone or anything. I've fallen into another period of fatigue. In the past, if people around me misunderstood or were dissatisfied with me, I would still try to explain and soothe them a little. But now, I have no interest, not in anyone. Living in this city, apart from myself and my child, there is no room for anyone else in my world. I'm too lazy to actively contact others, don't go online, don't chat, and I've even lost the motivation to watch my favorite TV series. I started a book but don't want to continue reading it. It feels too disconnected from my life. Looking back, the things I once thought were important actually had no meaning at all. I don't understand why I was so obsessed with them. Now, thinking about it, it's just like buying clothes. The pretty clothes I've seen or imagined, when I encounter them, I feel compelled to buy and wear them. But after wearing them, I realize they're not that great. The only difference is the mindset of possession. Originally, I had too many expectations and imagined perfection, almost mythologizing that piece of clothing. So, I expected an ugly person to look beautiful in it, which is too much to ask from the clothes.
Haha, talking about it makes me feel better. I never knew that writing diaries could help regulate my mood. This is quite unexpected. Does this count as a gain? In the future, I must be more mature and practical. I've passed the age of having fantasies. I need to adjust my mindset and be more self-centered, even a bit selfish. Time rewinds to a certain day in November when I met you, and I began to have my own little happiness. Those days were the happiest... Thank you for making me feel that I found my happiness and had someone to rely on during those days...
Before I knew it, we both embarked on our journey home, temporarily parting ways. Even though it was somewhat distant, it still felt warm... When I saw you call someone else by those two words, I was stunned. Perhaps you will never know how much it hurt me then. Doubts began to arise, and this event changed the ending of our story. A phrase "the most familiar stranger" froze the final outcome. However, regarding everything about you, I said I would delete it, but I kept it. In fact, in my heart, I still hope that what you once told me will come back to me... Expectations turned into disappointments, simply and thoroughly knocking me down. I wanted to give you simplicity, but I couldn't provide the simplicity you wanted. Seeing you online every day, there were so many things I wanted to say, but now they don't need to be said anymore. Up until today, I have completely let go. What belongs to me will always be mine, and what doesn't belong to me will leave no matter what. Turning this page filled with joy and sorrow, I'll search for my own path.
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