Browsing Reminder: Our questions touch on every aspect of the experience of sex. We want to figure out what true lovemaking is deep inside people's hearts, and understand the differences between happiness and truly intimate and intense sexual contact. We also want to explore what makes sex both vulnerable and powerful, and examine the discrepancies between the sexual concepts we have previously accepted and reality. For example, is it really true that men love because of sex, and women have sex because of love?
We invited over 20 men and women from various industries, aged between 20 and 53, to answer these 10 questions frankly without any embellishment. These questions appear simple but are not easy to answer. Sexual experiences are highly individual feelings, and when one attempts to describe them rationally and cautiously, they often become incomprehensible. When collecting this set of testimonies, we strived for authenticity; what is presented is clearly not a scientifically flawless survey result. However, experts also believe that sexual experiences cannot be measured by scientific dimensions.
Sex remains a topic rarely discussed openly in today’s society. Therefore, when we posed these 10 questions, some people avoided them, even expressing resentment at being asked such questions. Others were eager to participate right from the start, as it was an issue they had been pondering. These individuals were often those who could enjoy sex well. Most people reacted initially with instinctive avoidance upon hearing this theme: "I'm not the right person," but ultimately decided to face it.
At first, they were somewhat restrained, using very subtle language and wording. However, as the conversation deepened, they were all able to express their innermost feelings more openly. Some interviewees told us that through reflecting on these questions, they began to realize certain constraints within themselves and might consciously make changes in the future.
These 10 open-ended questions yielded rich and varied responses, with both commonalities and differences, even contradictions... This reflects the growing tolerance and value diversity of the entire society. Here, we have selected a portion to share with you and invited Dr. Cong Zhong from the Clinical Psychology Center of Peking University's Institute of Mental Health to provide his thoughts after reviewing them.
■ Men
Wan Xing: 22 years old, college student, has a girlfriend;
Qu Zi: 24 years old, salesperson, single;
Chen Xiaonao: 24 years old, works in publishing, cohabiting for 1 year;
Xia Yufeng: 27 years old, doctoral candidate, has a girlfriend;
He Fei: 30 years old, IT supervisor, cohabiting for 3 years;
Shu Xi: 31 years old, architect, cohabiting for 3 years;
Yu Dameng: 32 years old, foreign enterprise project manager, married, child is 3 years old;
Tong Qiu: 32 years old, university teacher, divorced, child is 1 year old;
Cui Heng: 34 years old, photographer, married for 4 years, child is 3 years old;
Lin Tongshi: 37 years old, art director, married for 2 years, father;
Mr. Chen: 39 years old, foreign enterprise sales manager, married for 10 years, no children;
Mr. Zhang: 42 years old, translator, married for 9 years, child is 7 years old;
Mr. Lu: 47 years old, scholar, married for 16 years, child is 15 years old;
Old Xiao: 50 years old, publishing editor, married for 23 years, child is 20 years old.
● Women
Elaine: 25 years old, company employee, single;
Shan Neiqing: 26 years old, graphic designer, cohabiting for over a year;
Qin Fangfang: 28 years old, foreign enterprise staff, single;
Xiao Xin: 29 years old, freelance writer, cohabiting for 3 years;
A Shu: 31 years old, sales manager, married for 2 years, no children;
Yan Yang: 33 years old, journalist, single;
Shen Ya: 36 years old, accountant, unmarried, single;
Ms. Luo: 44 years old, international trade, divorced, two sons, cohabiting for 7 years;
Ms. Fang: 53 years old, state-owned enterprise employee, married for 27 years, child is 23 years old.
Question 1: What does intense, true lovemaking mean to you?
■ Qu Zi: True lovemaking happens naturally. Men should let go of the urge to dominate and not worry about whether she likes or dislikes a particular position, allowing for better mutual understanding. True lovemaking should also involve both parties fully releasing themselves, becoming very primal, what we call animalistic.
■ Xia Yufeng: It is a deep level of communication. Through this exchange, stress is relieved, and one feels pleasure.
■ He Fei: Complete relaxation, letting go, indulgence. Maximizing and fully satisfying the most real and urgent desires and needs of all parties involved.
■ Shu Xi: There is love between the two people, a satisfying environment for both, and the desire to enter each other's bodies. Through teasing, the desire is heightened, and during lovemaking, using positions that the other likes. Again and again, enjoying the impact and pleasure brought by sexual sensations.
■ Tong Qiu: It is not just the stimulation of sexual organs and neural excitement, but also spiritual joy and psychological pleasure, that sense of satisfaction, accomplishment, and fatigue.
■ Cui Heng: It's that kind of excitement, strong, heavy breathing, heart rate accelerating right from the start, three times in five hours. Like being on the peak of a mountain, on a vast grassland, temporarily forgetting everything, relaxing and letting go.
■ Lin Tongshi: Just enjoying the act of lovemaking itself. A state of selflessness where all constraints are released. In the process of enjoying the other person's body, there is more desire for the other person. At that moment, it feels like nothing in life is as meaningful as this. It's as if one is emptied, losing oneself. Letting the soul wander freely, feeling particularly transcendent. People say 'let go,' isn't it like the soul leaving the body? Feeling somewhat present and absent...
■ Mr. Zhang: There is nothing else in your mind but what you're doing now. And both must consider each other. If you love this person and truly engage, her response will also stimulate you.
● Shan Neiqing: One word, perfectly timed. It's when your whole body feels just right, involuntarily every cell feels comfortable. Afterward, there's no regret, everywhere feels smooth and perfect.
● Qin Fangfang: True lovemaking means trust, freedom, power. Like moral judgments, lack of confidence in one's body, etc., each time I break through one, it's like escaping from an iron cage, feeling especially free. That feeling is wonderful! Accompanying it is a sense of mental and spiritual satisfaction, deep self-confidence. No matter how others look at me, I am like this. This also makes me feel full of strength.
● A Shu: It's like two people finally being together, and then immediately having to leave, so wanting to do it every minute and second with him, as if only this way can truly feel being together.
● Yan Yang: Imagining it, it's complete commitment of body and mind, the joy brought by the collision and resonance of body and mind, activating all senses, every part of the body is awakened.
● Shen Ya: True lovemaking satisfies both body and mind, making life better, making life feel real rather than absurd, not for flattery or other unrelated purposes, purely for obtaining a sense of joy.
Expert: Sex does not have a model, only differences
Sex is a highly individualized activity. There is no uniform model or standard for lovemaking, only differences. However, sex is like a bundle of gunpowder; the ways to ignite (sexual arousal, getting into the mood) vary greatly, but the reactions after ignition (the sensation when the body reaches its peak) are similar. In other words, people's psychological differences far outweigh physiological differences.
Regarding the experience of true lovemaking, the differences between men and women are not significant. Everyone mentioned deep exchanges, expressing intimacy, mutual acceptance, and also touched on the relationship between animality and humanity, the connection between physiological and psychological needs, etc.
Question 2: What conditions do you and your partner need to achieve true lovemaking?
■ Qu Zi: Travel. Because that time belongs to the two of us, everything is free, unrestricted.
■ Chen Xiaonao: Losing control under the influence of alcohol or emotional stimulation, instinctual rather than deliberate, non-technical, not motivated by pleasing.
■ Shu Xi: True lovemaking is based on love. Making love when emotions are harmonious will be even crazier and more passionate. Of course, appropriate alcohol and dim lighting environments help significantly.
■ Tong Qiu: First, good mood; second, healthy normal physical condition; also dependent on a quiet, safe, closed, clean external environment.
■ Lin Tongshi: Sufficient emotional resonance and physical attraction... Like the body, gestures, details I like, all bring excitement, especially when not too familiar with the other person's body.
■ Mr. Lu: Both body and mind need to be healthy, no illness. Any of fatigue, exhaustion, depression, unpleasantness would prevent passionate engagement.
■ Old Xiao: Need synchronization, both have needs. Also need a relaxing, undisturbed environment.
● Elaine: I cannot tolerate no touching in foreplay, and if it lasts less than half an hour, it's unforgivable. Those who lack real ability will be excluded by me.
● Shan Neiqing: Both minds have desire, or both lower halves have desire.
● Qin Fangfang: The key is to relax mentally. Also, feeling unlimited, no burden. Techniques are important.
● Xiao Xin: Both need to have desire, physical state is excellent, environment is suitable. It must have a beginning and an end, and both end up happy. I hope he takes care of me, leads me, feels my needs, gives me a sense of envelopment. Also, no worries.
● Yan Yang: It must be someone I like. If someone I don't like touches me, my body will immediately stiffen, instinctively resisting.
● Shen Ya: At least need to be on the same wavelength, have very real, identical desires.
● Ms. Luo: No interference, good physical state, no work-related things on the mind. Temperature shouldn't be too cold or too hot. Ideally, create some atmosphere. Best if the kids aren't home.
Expert: The body cannot be controlled by willpower
People's conditions mainly come from four aspects: physical space, physical condition, psychological condition (emotion), and techniques. Among these, the least important is technique, and the most important might be psychology. In consultations, those who cannot achieve true lovemaking mostly lack emotion, i.e., lack psychological conditions. Love is an irrational condition, spontaneously arising, unable to be controlled by willpower or command. "I decide to love him, and my body reacts." When controlled by willpower and rationality, lovemaking loses its flavor, often impossible to achieve.
I believe that true lovemaking should have three conditions: the fusion of two hearts, the fusion of two bodies, and the fusion of each individual's body and mind. This is the highest level of lovemaking.
Question 3: Do you think feelings towards the other person make the experience stronger? If so, why?
■ Chen Xiaonao: Yes. Feelings bring inspiration and passion. True lovemaking comes from feelings, not sensory stimuli.
■ Xia Yufeng: Yes. Being with someone you trust, someone you can communicate with psychologically, brings security, allowing you to enjoy the process.
■ He Fei: Hard to say. For me, pure pleasure doesn't increase much due to feelings, because feelings bring responsibility.
■ Shu Xi: Yes, feelings bring sexual impulses towards her, making me anticipate exploring her body and chasing her psychology through sex. Feelings make us more honest, caring, and satisfying with each other during lovemaking.
■ Yu Dameng: Often when there is no feeling, the sensation is stronger.
■ Lin Tongshi: Should be. Finding pleasure with just physical attraction is possible, but the degree certainly doesn't match the pleasure of body and mind being unified, with emotional and physical climaxes happening simultaneously.
■ Mr. Lu: Definitely. Loving the other person allows you to invest. Only rapists would vent to satisfy their own instincts, regardless of the other person's feelings.
■ Old Xiao: Of course. Lovemaking is a communication and exchange of body and mind, only achievable with love and feelings. However, there are exceptions. Because feelings also mean responsibility, so there's often both desire and fear, worrying about harming the other person or making her uncomfortable.
● Elaine: With feelings, there is intimacy, wanting to fuse together intimately. Good lovemaking can add to feelings.
● Shan Neiqing: Of course, feelings bring emotional climaxes, making one feel nourished and continuous, longer-lasting than just physical intercourse.
● Qin Fangfang: I actually think the best feelings come at the start of a relationship when feelings aren't deepest. Sometimes deeper feelings can become burdensome. Having feelings doesn't necessarily lead to good sex, but good sex can enhance the feelings between two people. Because you're more open, more understanding of each other, more knowledgeable about yourself. This is the closest, most private contact.
● Xiao Xin: I don't rule out the possibility of getting greater pleasure from a stranger. Because I care deeply about my boyfriend, I want him to see my best side, I hate losing control, which may affect my pleasure. However, feelings make me more invested, making me feel very happy. He amplifies the pleasure in your body. Emotional investment enhances emotional pleasure.
● A Shu: Definitely. This relationship must be built on feelings. Without feelings, it's painful.
● Shen Ya: Absolutely. At least feelings make me trust the other person more, thus more invested and relaxed.
● Ms. Luo: Definitely. Lovemaking increases feelings. Because you like him, willingly do it with him, willing to give him pleasure.
Expert: Not too many feelings, but not enough investment
Most people affirmatively believe that feelings and good lovemaking are inevitably linked. Some feel that too deep feelings can become responsibilities and burdens. I think this is not because there are too many feelings, but rather because one party is not investing enough in lovemaking, leading to rational elements controlling and the superego taking effect.
In the balance between feelings and sexual needs, at the start, men's physiological needs take precedence, while women seem to start with more emotional components. However, this does not mean women's desires are less than men's. Women's physiological desires will gradually strengthen, and later, there is little difference between men and women.
Question 4: Have you ever experienced intense pleasure in a one-night stand? Why?
■ Wan Xing: No, I am absolutely faithful to my girlfriend.
■ Xia Yufeng: Not a typical one-night stand. My ex-girlfriend was going abroad, I went to see her, it was like our last meeting. Perhaps influenced by the separation emotions, relations occurred. It was our first time, it was quite intense.
■ Shu Xi: Basically no, except once after drinking with a bartender girl in the snow, but it was probably just due to the excitement from alcohol and the special environment.
■ Yu Dameng: No. Mainly because my objective conditions weren't met.
■ Cui Heng: Strictly speaking, it wasn't a one-night stand, it was a short-term affair with someone I knew well, liked, and admired, but not comparable to my feelings for my wife. Trying new things with others involves less hesitation, bringing new passions.
■ Lin Tongshi: Yes. It was before marriage, both parties had mutual admiration, and strong desires. It was an unfamiliar experience, a different physical attraction, everything was unknown. Both were quite passionate. Looking back, it was still a pleasant experience. Purely for experiencing sex, neither of us carried any emotional baggage.
■ Mr. Chen: Casual encounters are opportunities, I didn't have the opportunity. Entertaining clients, I've been to adult entertainment venues. I don't consider it a one-night stand, it should be counted as sexual consumption, sexual transaction.
● Elaine: I know I'm not someone who can play with fire. If I fall for the other person, I'll lose control, leading to endless consequences.
● Shan Neiqing: No. Living harmoniously with my boyfriend, I'm quite satisfied. After eating, there's no need for dessert.
● Qin Fangfang: Yes, he was the type of person who made me fall for him at first sight, but he had a girlfriend at the time. Somehow, it happened. I had no demands on him, I even wanted to just spend one night with him... Neither of us had any burdens. When I was with him, I felt especially good. After that, I felt particularly close to him, trusting him deeply, even if we didn't stay in touch, there was a sense of intimacy flowing in my heart. After one night, we parted ways. But after an especially intense experience, I suddenly became more open, passionate, unpretentious, natural. This man became my boyfriend over a year later.
● A Shu: Yes, but not with a stranger. I was hurt in my previous relationship, so I went online to chat with people. The first time I met him, he just kept comforting me. Being with him felt great, he appreciated me and my body.
● Yan Yang: No. I have a strong sense of self-protection. In this unsafe era, you can't be sure if the other person has diseases...
● Ms. Luo: Yes, when I was young, it was very intense. I remember the boy telling me, you're a woman who can separate feelings from sex. For me, it was just for sex. I barely knew the boy, and I didn't want anything further with him. It was really good, just physical.
Expert: Women can also enjoy one-night stands
A one-night stand refers to two strangers agreeing to have sex, purely for the sake of sex, and never seeing each other again afterward. Judging from the responses, strictly speaking, only about two to three out of ten people meet the criteria of a one-night stand, fewer than I imagined.
People's descriptions of one-night stands are all very stimulating, even women admit that pure sex can reach a level of enjoyment. There used to be prejudices and discrimination against women, believing that women only have sex when they have feelings, and women themselves emphasize this point. In fact, there is not much difference between men and women in terms of sexual psychology and physiology. This is a social norm and morality imposed on women. Women can also fully enjoy the pleasure of one-night stands.
It can also be seen that moral evaluations in the younger generation's minds are decreasing, more emphasis is placed on the relationship between sex and personal quality of life, happiness, and personal needs. The openness of young people's sexual behavior and attitudes does not mean they are not serious, but rather they seriously treat sex as part of life, seriously giving sex a relatively humane position.
Question 5: Do you think you can experience true lovemaking in a long-term relationship with the same partner?
■ Qu Zi: Yes. If you truly love each other, you