I. What principles should be observed in communication between husband and wife?
Communication between husband and wife is very important, as it continuously nurtures affection and facilitates successful family management and child-rearing, among other things. It must not be neglected or ignored. As for the principles to observe, here are a few passages from scripture along with three simple points:
Firstly, both spouses should remember that when God created all things, He saw that they were good (Genesis 1 mentions this seven times). However, God then considered Adam's loneliness undesirable (Genesis 2:18), so He created Eve for him as a companion in love. When Adam first saw Eve, he joyfully exclaimed: "This is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man." Moreover, the Bible teaches that both spouses are meant to receive the grace of life together (1 Peter 3:7) and should walk in harmony—how can two walk together unless they agree? (Amos 3:3).
Furthermore, the relationship between husband and wife is sacred and beautiful, just like the relationship between Christ and the Church (Ephesians 5:22-33). It is a bond of love and an example of teaching one another to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:14-15). Speaking the truth without love can hurt the listener, and speaking with love but lying is deceitful. Therefore, communication between spouses should involve both love and sincerity.
Living together day and night, misunderstandings, frictions, conflicts, and anger may arise, but the Bible teaches us not to sin in our anger and not to hold grudges until sunset... No corrupt talk should come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen... Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, slander, and every kind of malice. (Ephesians 4:26-31)
The aforementioned scriptures present both positive and negative aspects of communication. Negatively, we must avoid sinning and remove bitterness and anger. Positively, we should speak words that build each other up, support, help, and encourage one another. Anger may sometimes be necessary (as in Moses' righteous anger in Exodus 32:19), but we must be careful not to let anger turn into sin (including hatred equating to murder, Matthew 5:21-23) or linger indefinitely. Instead, we should seek reconciliation (Galatians 6:1) and cultivate mutual growth.
II. How to say "no" without hurting feelings?
Due to differences in family background, personality, orientation, and goals, couples may occasionally need to say "no" to each other. Sometimes saying "no" is unavoidable because one party cannot or should not agree due to misunderstandings, misinterpretations, mistakes, etc.
To say "no" without hurting feelings requires that the couple has a strong emotional foundation and effective communication skills. If the relationship lacks depth and understanding, extra care must be taken when saying "no." Here are some tips:
If the situation is not black and white and time is not urgent, you can invite the other person to pray together and have an honest, detailed conversation, slowing down until there is mutual understanding before saying "no."
Saying "no" should depend on the context, timing, and attitude. Before saying "no," affirm the other person's ability to think independently and communicate openly, easing the atmosphere and stabilizing emotions before calmly explaining the reasons.
Before saying "no," seek to understand the other person, affirming their strengths or expressing empathy for their feelings and reasons. When saying "no," maintain sincere posture, gentle tone, and calm demeanor. After saying "no," patiently listen to the other person's perspective, observing their body language and attitude, then handle the situation accordingly. Throughout the process, continue praying, seeking wisdom from God, ensuring clear expression and appropriate timing for saying "no," avoiding harm to harmony, and preventing damage to the relationship or causing others to stumble.
III. When a mother-in-law and wife have opposing opinions, how should the husband handle conflicts between them?
This deadlock and difficulty is commonly encountered by people worldwide and is not easy to resolve. If neither party believes in the Lord, it becomes even more challenging without the guidance of scripture, the leading of the Holy Spirit, and the love of God as a connection.
However, if both parties sincerely believe in the Lord, earnestly seek Him, and passionately serve Him, while the whole family submits to one another out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21), it becomes much easier. An ideal Christian family makes Christ the head of the household and can resolve conflicts according to truth through united prayer, allowing God's will to prevail.
If the conflict is not related to truth but stems from differences in background, personality, opinions, or misunderstandings, it should be handled with greater caution. Otherwise, misunderstandings deepen, relationships break, and tensions worsen, which is regrettable and can easily cause unbelievers to stumble.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. (Matthew 5:9) It is easier said than done. When friction arises between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, the husband should sincerely pray, asking God to grant love and wisdom (Romans 5:5 "The Holy Spirit pours God's love into our hearts;" James 1:5 "If anyone lacks wisdom, they should ask..."). God can change hearts and manage situations to accomplish His will. When the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law argue, the husband should try to ease the tension, giving straightforward advice to prevent escalation, allowing both parties to calm down, engage in sincere dialogue, and strive for communication rather than verbal battles that result in mutual loss.
Sometimes offering wise counsel from the side, reminding both parties that their actions affect the children or those present, or give the devil a foothold resulting in spiritual defeat and dishonor to God. If possible, tactfully removing one party from the scene to allow time for reflection is beneficial. Stopping the confrontation and promoting mutual understanding, compromise, or reconciliation is even better.
However, many times, finding a good solution is difficult. In such confrontations, harming oneself is also likely, so extra caution is needed. Humbly seek the Lord's guidance for appropriate words and wise steps. If sincere advice leads to reconciliation, it is ideal.
■ Homework (Discussion Questions):
1. By nature, I am fearful. I rarely express dissatisfaction or opinions immediately and dare not speak them face-to-face. But after suppressing my feelings for a while, I eventually explode violently, making the situation unmanageable. What should I do?
2. My husband is a good man, diligent at work, and comes home on time, but he usually doesn't talk much. He has no opinions on food, money, appearance, or even child-rearing. I don't know what he thinks or wants. What should I do with someone like this?
3. He always acts on his own, and afterward, everyone suffers. I have to clean up the mess for him. Why doesn't he listen to my advice at the time?
4. Western colleagues in the office still emphasize independent exchanges between couples after having children, such as watching a movie, having dinner, taking a walk, or talking heart-to-heart. Do you think we should imitate this practice?