Is there a corner somewhere where life does not experience the loss of ups and downs, where love is not destined to have its share of sorrow and joy? Perhaps it exists, but I know I am not the fortunate one. - __________ Introduction. - Qiunián is the man I admire. In my youth, I thought I would find a man with warm eyes to love, just like Qiunián. I thought I could temporarily forget the unease and despair in my heart, occupy a lot of feelings in his seemingly false concern, and live in the dark surrounded by abundant material things. - But before I encountered such a feeling, I met Guhán. This was certainly a fated encounter; it was everything of existence and nonexistence. It determined all my future emotions and partings. At that time, I was thinking that if I could quietly sleep in the melodious songs at that moment, unable to wake up, without complaint, perhaps we wouldn't have reached this tumultuous ending. - [ONE]. Life remained as calm as ever, the silent alternation of day and night gathered into rivers flowing forward, dragging all memories helplessly ahead without direction. A series of rains fell on the pages of March, bleaching the once yellowed old letters and the thoughts that had shattered completely, then quietly flipping page after page, soundlessly. The pitiful sunshine always hid behind the ink-heavy clouds, brightly curled up with sadness, losing its way back. I still lived alone simply, repeatedly warning myself to forget all the past, erasing all folded traces from memory. - That year, I was only 19 years old. Youth forever. Yet it carried the heaviness it shouldn't have, along with those blurred, entangled emotions. - "Xiaoyá, you are a woman who admires vanity." This sentence has already rung in my ears countless times without reason, until numbness. Recalling it now still feels like being pierced by a blade, bleeding nightly, piercing my heart daily, endlessly cycling through the unhappiness and difficulties of those times. - "Guhán, let's break up!" That year, in spring when the peach blossoms hadn't yet bloomed, I carved this sentence in my heart. Reaching out to try to hold onto something, opening my palm, I clearly saw that streak of crimson, filled with densely packed life lines, stinging my eyes. The pale memories filled my sight, beginning to wrinkle with the skirts of that year. Two years completed a cycle from strangeness to familiarity and back to strangeness again. Once so firmly guarding, yet unable to retain. - The phone lightly slipped from my hand, the battery cover and the body instantly separated, along with the broken screen, scattering shards of glass across the entire floor, just like my shattered love. On the distant staircase, seventeen steps up, white roses were blooming, already decaying and wilting while embracing new flowers. Like the needle-pierced heart at the brink of death. Maybe the story was written wrong from the start. From the moment I came to Hangzhou. Leaving was actually the beginning of a story. And only I forgot my own existence, naively clinging to it. - [TWO]. Hangzhou's weather is unpredictable, in the morning people still wear short sleeves, but by evening the cold wind blows fiercely. Such an early autumn comes suddenly, too quickly to adapt. Sunday mornings always wake up late, vaguely recalling some old times, habitually closing the door tightly, turning the stereo to maximum volume, the song "Those Flowers" looping endlessly. For a long time, I didn't know what I was chasing, while my classmates in Grade Three at Zhejiang University Affiliated High School were studying hard under the stars, I went to work part-time at a bar during my free time for living. This was my life, no choice left. - "Xiaoyá, I don't allow you to come to this bar for part-time work anymore." - I still remember that desolate summer evening, the voice cutting through the darkness's silence, Qiunián's nails digging into my arm, pulling me away from the bar surrounded by loneliness. At that time, Qiunián in my eyes was irreplaceable, different from any other time in the future. Life always brings some people at its lowest point trying to guide its direction, then plunging deeper into the swamp, which I fundamentally cannot control. - Qiunián, this man eight years older than me who returned from America, I never actively asked about his affairs, only sporadically learned that he returned from the U.S., working as an executive in a beautiful American-funded enterprise, able to give me more than I could imagine. I often wondered why he treated me this way, everyone does things for a certain motive, regardless of whether their starting point is pure or not, such enthusiastic generosity without asking for return, is it pity or sympathy? I also often thought about what expression I should use to respond to him, but most of the time facing him, I was mostly silent. When he told me one day he would return to America, I didn't think much about it, and he still picked me up after school as usual. - "I am a shortcut in your life." This was the phrase he repeated the most at the time, and I didn't understand it then, even finding it very repulsive. - When my classmates could only use cheap perfumes, he started giving me Chanel perfumes. Knowing I liked crystals, he gave me a Swarovski necklace that wasn't even available in Hangzhou. Saying I liked color-screen phones, he bought one for me from abroad through various means. Saying I wanted to open a clothing store, he helped me rent a storefront on Wulin Road. I feared living without money, and he was willing to provide it all, and I accepted it all, but none of it moved me at all. There was an indescribable resistance in my heart, I couldn't possibly be as carefree as he expected. - That day, sitting in Qiunián's car, my hands on my knees were frozen purple. After glancing at me, he said, "Let me buy you a pair of gloves." In the end, he also gave me a Burberry cashmere scarf. I had only seen it in magazines before. Before getting in the car, I saw Guhán just coming out of KFC, the coffee in his hand still steaming. The moment he saw me, he accidentally spilled the coffee. I saw his stunned figure in the rearview mirror, and couldn't help but feel tears welling up in my eyes. He must have understood my recent avoidance and evasion of him, and he must have thought I broke up with him because I had fallen in love with someone else. All of this, I couldn't explain. That evening, I received Guhán's call. The moment the phone rang, I knew as if by telepathy what he was going to say. Trembling, I picked up the phone, and everything around me seemed to stop. I clearly heard him say, "Xiaoyá, you are a woman who admires vanity," Toshiba TV repair. [THREE]. The days Qiunián appeared did not bring me a single bit of happiness, the accumulation of material things blocked the emptiness in my heart, pressing down until I couldn't breathe. Often waking up in the middle of the night, pulling open the curtains, fantasizing about seeing the sea, outside the window, the moonlight remained constant. Sitting down powerless, I faintly heard the song "Castle in the Sky," its ethereal light singing echoing from the past to the future. Suddenly, I fell into the wheel of time. I could no longer enter those memories. Among the ruins, my solitary figure flickered in and out. Time flowed on regardless of whether I hesitated, calmly extending an inexplicable sorrow, but inside me, there were still lingering emotions. For me, the days stretched long enough for mutual entanglement, no need to recount our parting sorrows, just reminiscing about those youthful, innocent times. - When I was six years old, my father ran off with a wealthy woman, not returning home for a long time, just rumors of living in downtown Hangzhou. My mother and I lived in Yushan Town in the countryside, relying on each other for survival. In my young memories, it was difficult to find any fragments about my father, nothing to reminisce about. To me, the word "father" is an obscure term, devoid of any emotion. - He returned and took away my elder sister Xiaoran. That night, I watched helplessly as my mother's tears streamed down uncontrollably, she seemed to age suddenly. Looking at her with pain, I felt for the first time that my mother needed a shoulder to lean on, she was no longer as strong as we usually saw her, she also got tired. Later, grandma said they divorced, shocking news to me because it was my mother, the woman who loved my father deeply, who proposed the divorce. - That summer passed by in a flash. To give me a better future, my mother transferred me to Zhejiang University Affiliated High School, living with my sister who lived with my father. Unpredictably, that turned out to be the beginning of a nightmare. This blood-related sister of mine, I saw rejection, indifference, and disdain in her eyes. She never gave me pocket money, many mornings I went to school hungry braving the cold winds, returning home to leftover food from the previous night, washing piles of clothes she changed in the cold winter until my nails broke and my hands swelled and turned white from soaking in water. I hated Xiaoran, the person called my sister. - I thought my life would be ruined forever, but unexpectedly, I met Guhán, a man who made me fall in love at first sight. He had the eyes, eyebrows, and nose I liked, so he was the person I liked. - "Xiaoyá, let's go see the lotus flowers at Yin Lake, hurry up." - On a warm afternoon, the book in my hands rustled, unable to read a single word, gazing blankly at the azure sky outside the window until drowsy, then interrupted by a boy's voice. - Unclear from when it began, the boy named Guhán appeared beside me. Back then, his clear eyes, white teeth, furrowed brows, a buzz cut revealing his scalp, his faint smile exuding the scent of summer, the most radiant scenery of my seventeen-year-old youth bloomed in his flower-like smile. - That summer. A pool of emerald green adorned the Yin Lake behind the school, right after the rain ceased, the scorching sun bathed the pool of lotus leaves, a gentle breeze rippling the bright youth reflected in my eyes. The willows by the lake spewed new branches wildly, declaring their vigorous vitality to that season, hiding cicadas shaking off residual rainwater from their wings behind the branches, emitting noisy cicada calls, akin to our naive romance in that season. - "Xiaoyá, I like you." - "I know, I know, hurry back to the classroom to study. We'll go to university together." - Sunflower, a treasure needing sunlight, shining beautifully only in the sun, excelling in passion. I said the sunlight would disappear, you said you didn't regret. The sunlight disappeared as usual. The baby in the sunlight, extraordinarily dazzling, the smile under the sunlight slightly weary. Back then, Faye Wong's songs were very popular, Guhán sang that song repeatedly while riding his bicycle. - "My dear Xiaoyá, remember this is Faye Wong's song, the latest version of 'Yangbao'." Guhán said bashfully and emotionally, then pedaled quickly through the crowd and traffic. The youth raced behind the speeding bicycle. The hollow, melancholic song flew freely through the streets and alleys. - They say people who sing have bright faces. The lights that once shone on me, I blocked with my hands. I also heard his carefree words, containing too much blame and tender love. Just a turn in the red dust path, and I was really already far away. We didn't wait for the lotus flowers to bloom for two seasons. - [FOUR] - However, life won't pity you for your helplessness, loneliness, and sorrow, changing its course. Is it fate or misfortune that we can blame heaven and earth? My sister often wore vulgar makeup, often bringing men home late at night, their muffled whispers mixing with fierce wind sounds violently stimulating my eardrums. Hiding under the covers, I covered my mouth to prevent crying out, until my tears repeatedly wet the mobile phone screen, looking at the messages Guhán sent, at that time, I hoped he could come to take me away. But that was just hope, I didn't dare to tell Guhán what I was experiencing, fearing it would worry him and affect his studies. All the joys and sorrows I bore alone were enough, he had to carry the dreams of two people to live well. - His dreams would also be my dreams. On that deep autumn night, my body curled up in pain, the wailing of an ambulance tore through the endless night sky, I was sent to the hospital, initially diagnosed with kidney stones, the surgery cost over seven thousand yuan, the stark number made me shiver lying on the bench, resembling the swaying leaves outside the window. The long corridor had few people walking, even if someone passed by, their gaze wouldn't linger on me. Not even for a second. - The white walls of the hospital, the gray ceiling, every corner filled with the smell of formalin, despair seeping into every nerve, struggling within forming a fiery blaze, burning through every bone, wanting to cry but having no tears, only sweat beads trickling down my eye sockets and into my eyes, but I knew it wasn't tears. Thus, I spent the night in physical pain and chaotic thoughts. Morning's thin sunlight poured in, my mother arrived, and in her concerned inquiries and the wrinkles full of sorrow in her eyes, I cried, but still without tears, I told myself this was the life I had to face. - After discharge, I started part-time work at a hotel called Huangchao introduced by a friend. It was the paradise for the rich to indulge in pleasures, the hell for the poor to kneel and serve others. In one winter night after another, I wore heavy makeup, the wind howling like a knife, I walked a hidden path to that hotel, away from all familiar people. There, I met all sorts of men—newly rich, speculators, huge bass sounds incessantly blaring, there the deep loneliness played out. High-footed glasses holding liquid like blood, to me, it was a poison. Amidst the applause rising and falling, the dim red warm lights, I drank that poison time and again, rather be drunk and vomit in the restroom than go back and see Xiaoran's look at me. I thought life's hardships were probably like this. Similar stories would play out at different times and places. - [FIVE] - Between me and Qiunián, he would never understand my experiences, he would only satisfy me materially. He was a good person, a good person, that's all. He would kiss my forehead, the same way as Guhán. But there was only warmth, no emotion. - Everyone has a place in their heart that is hard to speak of, recalling it makes one sad, like the half-love song repeatedly echoing in the buried youth, making one cry secretly in the corners of dark nights, flowing like a river in the heart, unreachable by others. Recalling Qiunián was a disheartening and remorseful matter, mixed with guilt. Originally, we weren't from the same world. He had a large family fortune, but what was I to him? He was like a handsome man in an oil painting, like the song Faye Wong sang, the more beautiful things are, the less I can touch them. So I could only appreciate him, not love him. Perhaps he guessed this, and hadn't appeared for a long time, each time he came, he talked about the situation in the U.S. and the sunny coast of Florida. I often thought, even without me, he still had his career, but what did I have? Maybe the remaining memories about Guhán. - Finally, one night around 11 p.m., I heard someone knocking on the door. I knew it was Qiunián, staggering into the room, reeking of alcohol, his eyes flickering between light and dark. For the first time, I felt pain, a desolate and desperate pain, like the deep sea. He suddenly hugged me from behind, gradually tightening his grip. I could feel his already disordered breathing. - "Xiaoyá, I'm leaving." - "Will you come back to see me?" - "If I don't come back, will you go with me?" - "No." - After that night, I never saw Qiunián again. Maybe, probably he had already returned to the U.S., I thought. What kind of feeling was there between me and Qiunián? Did I reject him because I tied myself up after meeting Guhán, or was it because he was too perfect for me to dare touch? - [SIX] - The college entrance exam was approaching, I hardly had time to think about me and Qiunián. I don't know when I started getting used to reading alone, listening to music alone, aimlessly wandering the streets alone. - The exam results were surprisingly good, and I wanted to leave Hangzhou. So I chose a university in the south, though Xiamen University isn't really considered southern, I spent four rather uneventful years there. During my time there, I learned to smoke, my classmates got used to calling me Cold Beauty, and I dated a few times, but all ended hastily. Near graduation, I started asking about Guhán's whereabouts. He had heard from others that I had gone to America with Qiunián. He had been admitted to a university in northern Harbin, and six months ago had gone to Stanford University in the U.S. to continue his education. - After graduating from university, I smoothly entered the credit department of a financial company in Shanghai. Life was comfortable, no worries about food and clothing. I could only miss Guhán or Qiunián on sunny tranquil days. At that time, perhaps I had the courage to bear the long-suppressed sorrow. Faye Wong's half-love song was exceptionally clear, there were blessings, and sighs. The song was melodious, but I don't know why I shed tears. It was due to regret, loneliness, or perhaps because things were not the same, in total, there was an indescribable taste. If time could reverse, I knew I would do the same. Some things, it wasn't me choosing them, but them choosing me. The evening breeze gently blew, carrying the song, but the person of yesterday was nowhere to be found. - Last year during the May Day holiday, I returned to the Yushan Ordinary Middle School where I started my education to visit a teacher. Someone tapped me from behind, "Let's go see the lotus flowers at Yin Lake!"