13 Short Jokes from the Three Kingdoms~

It's a bit short, everyone please make do. I also have a long Jin Jian series on the nonsense of the Three Kingdoms: "Borrowing Arrows with Straw Boats", "Battle of Red Cliffs", "Changbanpo", "Battle with Ma Chao" and perhaps more (if I can write them). If you want to see them, please give more support!

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Missing Guan Yu

Cao Cao fought Ma Chao at Tong Pass, cutting his beard and discarding his robe in great defeat, sighing incessantly in his tent.

Zhang Liao: "Prime Minister, why are you sighing?"

"Alas!" Cao Cao said, "I'm thinking if Guan Yu was still under my command, it would be better."

"Yes!" Zhang Liao nodded and said, "If Yun Chang were here, he could definitely cut down Ma Chao."

"I don't mean that." Cao Cao stroked his remaining half-beard and said, "Today Ma Chao shouted 'the one with the long beard is Cao Cao, catch the one with the long beard'. If Guan Yu were here... his beard is much longer than mine, wouldn't I have avoided such a terrible situation?"

Ganlu Temple

Lady Wu from Wu: "People say Liu Huangshu is extremely ugly, but this is all nonsense. Zhong Mou, look, Liu Huangshu is so handsome, dignified and strong, he is truly a handsome man of the world..."

Sun Quan: "Mother, you're mistaken. That is Zhao Yun, Changshan Zilong, a general under Liu Bei. The one beside him is Liu Bei."

"Ahh?" Lady Wu: "Then looking closely, Liu Bei really is very ugly."

(You should not have brought Zhao Yun, such a pretty face, when Liu Bei went for the meeting. Bringing Zhang Fei would have made your "handsomeness" stand out.)

Poor Liu Bei

Sun Shangxiang pulled Liu Bei's ear and asked: "Did you not say: brothers are like hands and feet, wife is like clothes? What do you consider me?"

Madam, don't be angry. At the time I was poor, I didn't expect to have new clothes in the future."

(In the past, poor families only had one or two sets of clothes their whole life.)

Old Huang Zhong

Guan Yu took over Changsha, Governor Han Xuan sent the old general Huang Zhong to fight. They battled for dozens of rounds without victory or defeat. Suddenly, Huang Zhong's horse tripped and he retreated.

Han Xuan: "Why did you lose?"

Huang Zhong: "I forgot to feed the horse. No way, as I am getting older, I tend to forget things."

Han Xuan gave his horse to Huang Zhong and ordered him to shoot arrows at Guan Yu. Huang Zhong returned again without success.

Han Xuan angrily asked: "Why didn't you shoot the arrow?"

Huang Zhong: "I forgot to bring the arrows. No way, as I am getting older, I tend to forget things..."

Han Xuan became furious and said: "You useless old fool, what use am I keeping you around? Drag him down and execute him!"

Huang Zhong: "Wait! I have something important to tell you!"

Han Xuan: "Speak quickly!"

Huang Zhong: "Um... seems like... probably... I've forgotten again."

Han Xuan: "This makes me so angry! Quickly drag him down, decapitate him!"

Wei Yan: "Han Xuan, you are cruel and unkind, despising talented people. Give me your life!"

Huang Zhong: "Oh yes, I remember now. Master Han, what I wanted to say is Wei Yan has always wanted to kill you, be careful!"

Han Xuan: "Ah..."

The truth about Pang De carrying a coffin to battle Guan Yu

Soldier A: "Why does our General Pang carry a coffin to war?"

Soldier B: "Don't you know? General Pang has already become the image spokesperson for XX Coffin Chain Store."

(Stars doing advertisements must pay attention to their own image, don't just take money and do anything.)

Empty City Stratagem

Simagu Shi: "Father, Zhuge Liang's guqin music is too terrible, I can't bear it."

Simagu Yi: "Seven Sha Qin Yin! Never expected Zhuge Liang to be the successor of Six Finger Qin Mo, retreat immediately!" (Read too many martial arts novels?)

Wang Lang's Death

Zhuge Liang: "... You will soon return to the netherworld, how dare you show your face to the twenty-four emperors! Old villain, retreat quickly! Let the rebel minister fight me to determine the winner!"

"Village idiot Zhuge! Insulting me too much." Wang Lang got so angry that smoke came out of the seven openings, he hurriedly called: "Quickly bring me my fast-acting heart pill!"

Assistant: "Here, sir, please take it slowly."

"After taking the medicine, let's argue further." Wang Lang swallowed an entire bottle of medicine at once, then wanted to continue cursing Zhuge Liang, suddenly spitting blood and dying under his horse.

Later, experts determined that the cause of death was poisoning from consuming large amounts of counterfeit drugs. However, the manufacturer of the fake drugs was the Chang'an Pharmaceutical Third Factory under the Cao family group. To cover up the facts, the Wei government finally announced: Grand Tutor Wang Lang of the Great Wei was "cursed to death" by Zhuge Liang on the front line of Qishan.

Single Blade Meeting

Lu Su invited Guan Yu for a banquet, Guan Yunzhang attended alone with his blade after a few rounds of drinks.

Lu Su: "Lord Guan, regarding Jingzhou..."

Guan Yu: "No... problem! It's just a few cities, a word from me and it's settled."

"That's very kind of you! This small token is insignificant!" Lu Su quickly stuffed red envelopes into Guan Yu's pocket, personally seeing him off onto a small boat.

A few days later, in Jingzhou.

Lu Su: "My Lord, didn't you promise to return Jingzhou last time? How can you go back on your word?"

Guan Yu: "What?! Do you actually believe what I said when I was drunk?"

(Remember not to discuss important matters over drinks.)

Capturing Meng Huo Seven Times

Zhuge Liang: "Meng Huo, you have been captured seven times, why do you still refuse to surrender?"

Meng Huo: "Next time, next time when you capture me again, I'll definitely surrender."

Zhuge Liang: "Why must it be next time?"

Meng Huo: "Next time will make it eight times. Eight is 'fa' (prosperity), my lucky number."

Zhuge Liang fainted on the spot.

(There's nothing to say to such people, just drag them down and chop their heads off.)

Killing Yan Liang and Wen Chou

Yan Liang: "Name yourself, who comes?"

Guan Yu: "..."

"What? Speak louder! Can't hear you!" Yan Liang moved closer.

Guan Yu: "..."

"Louder! Still can't hear!" Yan Liang moved even closer.

Guan Yu: "Hmm! Now it's close enough." Saying this, he raised his sword and beheaded Yan Liang.

A month later,

Wen Chou: "Who is the warrior?"

Guan Yu mysteriously said: "Do you know how Yan Liang died?"

Wen Chou: "Oh? I don't know."

Guan Yu: "Come closer, I'll tell you."

Wen Chou obediently leaned in, stretching his neck to ask: "How did he die?"

"This is how!" Guan Yu swung his Green Dragon Crescent Blade, and with a "snap," the world became peaceful!

Three Visits to the Thatched Cottage

Liu Bei: "I'm here to find Mr. Zhuge."

Young boy: "Do you have an appointment?"

Liu Bei: "Ah? No."

Young boy: "Mr. Zhuge is not here, come again next time."

Liu Bei had no choice but to visit the thatched cottage a second time after a few days.

Liu Bei: "Is Mr. Zhuge here?"

Young boy: "Do you have an appointment?"

Liu Bei: "Yes, we agreed last time to see Mr. Zhuge today."

Young boy: "Alright, Mr. Zhuge is inside. Pay 50 taels of silver as consultation fee and go in."

Liu Bei went in but did not see Zhuge Liang, instead encountering Zhuge Jun. He came out and asked the young boy, "I made an appointment to see Zhuge Liang, why isn't he here?"

The young boy counted the silver coins calmly and said, "You just said to see Mr. Zhuge. There are many Mr. Zhuges here. In a few years, you can call me Mr. Zhuge too." (The young boy was a relative of the Zhuge family.)

Warming Wine and Beheading Hua Xiong

Cao Cao: "Truly a good move, this wine is still warm."

Guan Yu: "Damn! I dislike hot wine. I've already killed one, and the wine hasn't cooled yet. Alright, I'll go out and kill another." (Turns out Guan Yu liked chilled drinks.)

Poetry in Seven Steps

Cao Pi: "Now I limit you to compose a poem within three steps, otherwise I'll have you beheaded."

Cao Zhi: "No way, too few steps, ten steps!"

Cao Pi: "Four steps!"

Cao Zhi: "Nine steps!"

Cao Pi: "Five steps!"

Cao Zhi: "Eight steps!"

Cao Pi: "Six steps!"

Cao Zhi: "Jumping price, seven steps!"

Cao Pi: "Deal!"

Cao Zhi: "Alright! Boiling beans while burning bean stalks, the beans cry in the pot. We share the same root, why the rush to boil each other?"

(Bargaining for such a long time, he must have thought it through already.)