Parent-child education is increasingly being valued by people, which is actually a positive development trend worthy of active discussion. Children are the future of society; establishing good parent-child education models is our top priority for the healthy development of global humanity. Beijing Baili Expansion Company's parent-child education courses also have seven years of development history. In these seven years of teaching, the expansion coaches have continuously developed new teaching projects to adapt to the ever-evolving social situation.
When it comes to parent-child education, it often cannot be separated from the induction of the first teacher - the parents. Before children form their own independent thinking patterns, when they are in the same situation, different parents' ways of handling things will produce different educational results, thereby affecting the child's subsequent behavior. This is what is called parent-child interaction response.
Beijing Baili Expansion Coach mentioned such an example during the training course: DuoDuo is a three-year-old child who frequently takes his little drawing pen and draws on white walls instead of on his drawing book, preferring to draw in places where he shouldn't. A perfectly good white wall has become a graffiti board.
Suppose if you were DuoDuo's parents sitting here, what would you do? Parent A says, "I would be very angry, severely criticize DuoDuo, and even can't help but hit him. Who told him to do it deliberately? If I don't stop him, he'll do the same next time. Scolding and hitting children isn't good, and I don't feel good about it either, but I think children still need strict discipline. If not, such behavior could easily make others dislike him. Today, if I am strict with him, he will change, and it will greatly benefit him in the future. Although we know that three-year-olds are just mischievous, as parents, we can't indulge in such bad habits. As the saying goes, 'a three-year-old child shows how he will be when he grows up.'"
Parent B says, "I would say a few words to the child, but I wouldn't care too much. After all, the child is young, just playful. Didn't we do similar things when we were kids? If he doesn't listen and continues this 'prank,' then I might just ignore him. A child's behavior often becomes more exaggerated when you take it too seriously. Besides, isn't this age considered the 'first rebellious period'? At this time, if the parents are too harsh, the child may also be stubborn. It's better to just ignore him; once he finds it meaningless, he won't do it anymore."
The expansion coach said, "Actually, the approaches of both parents represent the methods most parents use to handle this issue. Children have many other problems, so how should we correctly solve them?"
Professor Chen from East China Normal University gave us the following evaluation: "Actively refusing" has the most drawbacks; this is the first typical way of parent-child interaction. Professor Chen said, "Indeed, as Parent A said, 'Nowadays, there's only one child, who doesn't 'pamper' them?' However, different parents have different ways of 'pampering,' especially when the child exhibits 'behavioral problems.' The reason why 'behavioral problems' is in quotation marks is because it mainly refers to behaviors deemed inappropriate by parents, like DuoDuo's wall-drawing behavior. From the child's perspective, why does he do this? Is there really any 'malice' involved?"
In fact, many children will or have done things like 'wall-drawing.' In a child's eyes, it's just a piece of drawing paper, a place different from a 'drawing book.' Drawing on it must be different and definitely fun. Three-year-olds generally only consider 'fun' and don't pay attention to 'dirty' or 'others,' as their sociality hasn't developed that well yet! Therefore, the child's intention is not 'malicious'; it's just an instinctive impulse. They fundamentally don't know the consequences of doing this. Once adults respond to this behavior, it is equivalent to giving feedback to that behavior. According to behavioral theory, the effect of a behavior will determine whether that behavior reappears. Simply put, if a behavior gets encouragement, it may happen again; if it gets punishment, it may reduce the frequency of its appearance. Here, encouragement and punishment are not simply praise or scolding, but rather a form of behavioral feedback that truly allows the child to understand.
Dr. Xu from the Shanghai Scientific Child-Rearing Base strongly agrees with Professor Chen's remarks. Actually, the child's initial behavior is unintentional, stemming merely from curiosity and nature. Due to adult influence, many behaviors become 'intentional.' For instance, Parent A's approach is a typical 'active refusal' method. Once they see the child's so-called 'bad behavior,' they immediately resort to severe beating or scolding, believing such punishment can reduce the child's 'bad behavior.' In reality, this method has the most drawbacks. Many studies have found that the more parents use severe punishment (i.e., 'active refusal'), the more likely children are to exhibit loneliness, indifference towards others, difficulty adapting to external environments, a liking for risk-taking, and anxiety, worry, and certain strong emotional reactions. These negative experiences naturally affect the physical and mental health of children, making them prone to undesirable behaviors such as withdrawal and aggression. Specifically, it manifests as follows:
(1) The 'active refusal' method essentially involves means like corporal punishment, excessive demands, threats, abuse, and scolding, which are extremely brutal and can leave physical and psychological trauma on children. The younger the child, the less self-protection ability they have, and the more security they need. 'Active refusal' disrupts the establishment of a child's 'sense of security,' causing them to develop misunderstanding and distrust of the world from a young age. For example, after being punished, DianDian might think, "Why do I always do wrong things? Why do I always get beaten and scolded no matter what?" As a result, not only does this fail to change DianDian's 'bad behavior,' but it also makes DianDian lose confidence and become even worse, deciding to 'be bad' anyway. "If you don't let me step, I'll step anyway. Anyway, I'll get beaten, so I might as well step more." This is precisely what Parent B referred to as 'rebellion.' In fact, in many cases of children's aggressive behavior, there are traces of the parents' 'active refusal' methods.
(2) When parents punish, they also set an example. If the child identifies with it, they will treat others the same way, leading to more than just 'stepping in water.' It becomes genuine 'behavioral problems' such as hitting people, provoking, and even killing, along with antisocial behaviors and emotional issues like impulsiveness and irritability.
(3) This method can easily harm the child. To avoid harm, the child may adopt other improper behaviors, such as lying or running away. For example, DuoDuo might say in front of his parents, "I won't draw on the wall," but as soon as the parents turn away, he will continue drawing even more aggressively.
Professor Chen: Dr. Xu's analysis of 'active refusal' is exactly what I mentioned earlier about 'punishment' issues. Beating and scolding is a form of punishment, but it is neither the only nor the appropriate way; at best, it's the simplest way. After being 'beaten,' a child may become 'obedient' because they fear pain. Heroes don't suffer immediate losses, but is the child 'knowingly refraining' or 'unknowingly afraid to act'? Often, 'resorting to violence' only makes the child remember the 'pain' and forget the fundamental reason for 'why it hurts.' Parents only emphasize 'will you do it again?' but forget to teach 'how to do it right next time.' In this regard, Parent B also lacks this understanding.
Next, we will discuss the second typical way of parent-child interaction: 'cold treatment' needs 'hot processing.' Expansion coaches say that three-year-old children are relatively 'rebellious,' and often dealing with them 'forcefully' is inappropriate. This is like going to a large mall where the child insists on buying toys. In public, scolding or beating the child is not good; instead, 'cold treatment' is more appropriate—simply ignoring them until the child loses interest and stops.
Professor Chen's view is: 'Cold treatment' is indeed a commonly used method to change children's behavioral problems. It emphasizes temporarily setting aside the behavioral problem, neither encouraging nor punishing, as if the behavior never happened. The continuation of behavior always requires 'feedback' or some kind of explanation, and 'no reaction' confuses the direction of the behavior, causing it to naturally fade. For example, DuoDuo's 'wall painting' behavior may indeed have some intentional 'prank' elements. If you scold him, he feels proud to have upset you; if you kindly persuade him, he feels noticed, gaining satisfaction. He just wants a 'reaction' and to 'attract attention,' which is a common psychology among children.
However, for children's behaviors, 'cold treatment' alone is not enough. Generally, 'hot processing' is needed, which means explaining the rationale to the child when the behavioral impulse has diminished or disappeared, ideally providing specific guidance on 'how to act.' As the saying goes, 'destroying something is easy, but building something is hard.' Instead of telling children not to do something, it's better to tell them what they should do.
Dr. Xu's view is: I believe that if Parent B had done a bit more 'follow-up' work, it would have achieved the 'hot processing' effect mentioned by Professor Chen—that is, making the child responsible for their behavior.
Regardless of the type of behavior, there is always the issue of behavioral outcomes, even if the behavior stems purely from 'childish innocence' like DianDian's. If he did it intentionally to attract attention, the 'cold treatment' method is excellent; but if it was out of 'childish innocence,' the 'trouble' caused by the behavior must be made clear to him. Otherwise, if left unchecked, the consequences that Parent A worries about may indeed occur and lead to disapproval from others.
Parents' hearts are filled with love and concern, but the affection and education from parents and elders must be directed appropriately. Do not overindulge or spoil the child, as doing so actually harms them. Don't let temporary pity make you the enabler of problematic children.
In educating children, parents should be patient and not overly anxious. When problems arise, deal with them patiently and don't reflect your emotions onto the child's emotions. That way, the child won't close their heart to you because you're too dominant. In your eyes, everything the child says is wrong, so you cannot truly resonate with the child.
As the child's first teacher, establish interactive habits of learning, observing, and communicating between children and adults, master correct parent-child interaction methods, and lay a solid foundation for the child's future.
Article reprinted from: http://www.blwh.cn/rz_more.asp?id=304