She said her...
2011-07-27 17:01:50 | Category: Default | Tags: | Font Size: Large Medium Small Subscribe
Women and men often fail to see eye-to-eye in conversations, but research has found that the conversational styles of the two sexes may not be as different as they appear on the surface. All conversations and relationships reflect a combination of hierarchy and connection. The conversational styles of both sexes are simply different ways of achieving the same goals.
Written by Deborah Tannen
Translated by Hong Zhu
Gender Language
● Men's language focuses on hierarchy, aiming to establish superiority; women's language emphasizes connection, intending to express intimacy.
● All conversations and all relationships reflect a combination of hierarchy and connection. These two elements are not mutually exclusive but closely linked. We all seek power and also want to communicate with others. The conversational styles of both sexes are simply different ways of achieving the same goals.
● In certain environments, women's focus on hierarchy and men's attention to connection become particularly evident and intense; this environment is the family. Specifically, understanding the relationship between sisters can help us understand women who are influenced by competition beyond mere connection.
Why don't men stop to ask for directions? In 1990, when I was writing You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, I first explored this question. The book also addressed other issues, but this one received the most attention. It was printed on napkins ("Real men never ask for directions") and became a common punchline in stand-up comedy routines, like "Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?" and "Why do so many sperm cells need to find just one egg?"
This was quite unexpected. Before writing the book, I didn't realize how common the phenomenon of men not asking for directions was. I included this scenario because it epitomized a phenomenon that, once understood, explains why men and women often fail to connect in conversation. Over the past 30 years, I have collected and analyzed thousands of examples of male-female interactions, finding that men's language focuses on hierarchy (hierarchy), aiming to establish superiority; women's language emphasizes connection (connection), expressing intimacy.
In other words, after a conversation, men and women tend to ask different questions. He might ask, "Did the conversation elevate or lower my status?" She might ask, "Did the conversation bring us closer or further apart?"
Hold your judgment! All conversations and all relationships reflect a combination of hierarchy and connection — these two elements are not only not mutually exclusive but closely intertwined. We all desire power and aspire to communicate. After the publication of You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, I began studying the subtle differences in the speaking styles of both sexes, hoping to clarify a fact: the different conversational styles of men and women are merely different ways of achieving the same goal. In recent studies, I explored a special environment where women focus on hierarchy and men focus on connection, both becoming very evident and intense. This environment is the family. Specifically, we can study sisterly relationships to understand women who are deeply influenced by competition beyond mere connection.
So, what does this have to do with asking for directions? By now, the answer isn't yet clear, but I assure you that if you keep reading, everything will become clear.
"My higher" vs. "We're the same"
Male conversations often exhibit competitive relationships, while female conversations emphasize mutual connection.
At the beginning of my academic career, I studied conversations between men and women from different ethnicities and regions, which sparked my interest in gender linguistic differences. Interactions between different groups often lead to misunderstandings because their methods of communication and ways of expression are often opposite. At the time, I felt that conversations between men and women followed similar patterns, based on gender-based cultural conflicts, which I later confirmed.
▲ Boys or men want to be one level higher than the other, a trend that often makes conversations feel confrontational.
I often use videos filmed in preschools to illustrate and document this phenomenon. In one scene, four young boys are sitting together discussing how high they can throw a ball. One boy claims, "Mine can fly this high," raising his hand above his head. The second boy points higher and says, "Mine can fly into the sky." The third boy competes, saying, "Mine can fly to heaven!" The fourth boy exaggerates even more, saying, "Mine can fly all the way to God!" Clearly, the boys' verbal exchange is a competition of hierarchy, as each claims to be better than the last.
Next, I compared this video with another recorded at the same kindergarten. In this video, two little girls are sitting at a small table drawing pictures. One suddenly looks up and says to the other, "Do you know, my babysitter is named Amber, and she already has contact lenses." (She clearly means contact lenses.) The other girl initially seems skeptical but quickly catches on and happily responds, "My mom already has contacts, and so does my dad!" — using identical syntax and phrasing. The first girl smiles happily. The two girls continue drawing for a while, then the first girl excitedly shouts, "The same?!" For her, being the same as the other is a joyful thing, whereas for boys, it would mean surpassing the other.
In the examples above, despite specific conversational actions differing (men's "exceeding" versus women's "same"), both opposing conversations share a commonality: they both follow "patterns." How should conversations proceed? How should responses be fairly assessed and replied to? Both conversations provide clear answers to these questions. As with cross-cultural exchanges, we usually don't notice these "patterns" unless we're conversing with someone without a shared cultural background (and thus different patterns).
Parents tell me that once they realize children's behaviors are related to gender, they won't feel at a loss when handling many situations. For example, a mother recalls hearing a conversation between three little boys, one of whom is her son, and the other two are friends' children. At the time, she was driving, and the three boys were talking in the back seat. One boy said, "We stayed at Disneyland for three days." The second boy said, "We stayed for four days." Then her son said, "We're moving to Disneyland!" She was worried because her son was obviously lying. Should she teach him not to lie? I reassured her because the boys knew her family wouldn't move to Disneyland. However, her son had won that round of the conversation.
Another father told me about a conversation between his daughter and her friend, feeling somewhat confused. The daughter's friend said, "I have a brother named Benjamin, and another brother named Jonathan." His daughter responded, "I also have a brother named Benjamin, and another brother named Jonathan." But these people don't actually exist. The father didn't understand why she said that. I explained to him that the little girl was simply providing experiences similar to the other's, a sign of goodwill aimed at strengthening their friendship.
The two distinct focuses on building connections and establishing hierarchies can similarly explain countless conversations and frustrations between adults. When one woman shares something personal with another, if the response is "I know how you feel" or "That happened to me too," the subsequent "complaint" reinforces the connection between them. (Some women even believe that maintaining intimacy among friends requires actively finding things to talk about.) Men, however, are not accustomed to this conversational pattern and often misinterpret women's complaints as requests for help solving problems. The result is often mutual frustration: the woman accuses the man of only telling her what to do without offering any comfort, while the man feels he is following the request but doesn't understand why she doesn't want solutions and keeps complaining.
The same scenarios occur in the workplace, where distortions between men and women can alter their professional lives. For example, a female employee tells her subordinate, "Could you please help copy this document?" Her male superior overhears this and may feel she lacks confidence. He thinks: She must believe she doesn't have the authority to order her subordinate to do anything. But the reality could be quite the opposite: she fully knows her subordinate must obey her, and using the word "help" is simply to avoid flaunting her existing authority while giving the subordinate some face-saving. Men often interpret women's subtlety as a lack of confidence; women, on the other hand, often view a lack of subtlety as arrogance, seeing arrogance as a sign of insecurity. She might think: That man must be very insecure to act so domineering.
Let's revisit the issue of asking for directions and listen to the different approaches men and women take. From a woman's perspective, asking for directions not only clarifies the route but also establishes a brief connection with a stranger without losing anything herself. From a man's perspective, asking for directions means lowering oneself in front of a stranger, which feels unpleasant. He might even think asking for directions is futile: if the person doesn't know the way, and also unwilling to lower themselves in front of the asker, they might give random directions. Given these reasons, he believes there's no reason to make himself uncomfortable, preferring to spend 10 to 20 minutes, or even half an hour, figuring it out on his own.
▲ Once parents realize that children's behavior is related to gender, they won't feel lost when dealing with many situations.
Different Styles, Similar Goals
Men and women have different conversational styles when speaking, but their ultimate goals are the same.
Although there are various differences in the conversational styles of men and women, the differences are not as great as they appear on the surface. They may seem completely opposite, but their goals are similar. Boys and men care about connection, and girls and women care about power, although the ways they pursue these goals differ.
Language patterns emphasizing connection often include recognition of commonalities, as demonstrated in the earlier dialogue between the two little girls about contact lenses; commonly heard responses include, "That happened to me too," or "Me too." In contrast, another pattern is, "It's no big deal! Mine was like this..." Hearing this immediately evokes thoughts of men and competition, but in reality, it can also establish connection, as the underlying message is, "Don't be sad about your experience; mine was worse." In other words, "outdoing the other" can also be another form of empathy.
Similarly, for girls and women, what appears to be language establishing connection may actually be a means of exerting power. To study this, linguist Amy Sheldon from the University of Minnesota filmed preschool children playing with two same-sex peers and found that both boys and girls pursued their respective goals, but boys openly blocked their peers, while girls simultaneously respected their peers' goals while blocking them. Sheldon provided an example: Eva and Kelly, two girls, were reluctant to let another girl, Tulla, join their pretend play. Instead of directly telling Tulla they wouldn't let her play, they assigned her a role that couldn't participate in the game: "You can be the baby brother, but you haven't been born yet." Sheldon emphasized that, on the surface, this statement still includes Tulla as part of the game, but the tone clearly excludes her.
In the above example, the children didn't purely focus on establishing hierarchy or connection but mixed the two. We might say that Eva and Kelly used power to exclude Tulla but also gave her a role, respecting the connection. Sheldon observed that boys, on the contrary, clearly expressed their intentions, even resorting to physical threats. She gave an example of a boy named Nick wanting to cut another boy's pickle, loudly shouting, "I'm going to cut it! I'm going to cut it! It's mine!" However, Sheldon also emphasized that although boys and girls emphasize different strategies, their differences aren't absolute but rather degrees. Boys sometimes compromise, and girls occasionally use force to achieve their goals.
Sheldon's research reminds us that no matter how definite a pattern might seem, it cannot be absolute. Additionally, the example of asking for directions is indeed enlightening. I previously didn't realize how common this scenario was because my husband stops to ask for directions, while I always prefer to look at the map myself. In this aspect, neither of us is typical, and within different genders, cultures, regions, or any group, there are many atypical individuals.
In terms of focusing on connection and hierarchy, the differences between the sexes are not absolute because everyone, to some extent, desires both. We constantly negotiate between connection and power. Eva and Kelly allowed Tulla to join but excluded her participation, establishing connection while expressing hierarchy. Similarly, boys arguing about how high they can throw a ball also reached consensus on what textual games to play, thereby establishing connection. Therefore, to understand gender patterns in conversation, we shouldn't simply ask, "Does this way of speaking establish hierarchy or connection?" but rather, "How does this way of speaking reflect the interaction between hierarchy and connection?" The best subject for studying this interaction is the universal and fundamental environment: the family.
▲ Older sisters often dominate younger sisters, speaking in tones similar to those of boys or men.
Family Bonds
After studying the conversational patterns of both sexes in the family, the author discovered that these patterns converge.
The family inherently contains both hierarchy and connection. The hierarchy between parents and children goes without saying, and there is also an order among siblings. Although we often use phrases like "close as brothers" or "close as sisters" to describe intimate and equal friendships, in reality, siblings have both a sense of connection as a family and a hierarchy determined by birth order. I am particularly interested in sisterly relationships—not only because I have two sisters but also because sisters embody deep-rooted female relationships permeated with competition and hierarchy.
In 1993, a bestseller called Having Our Say, written by the Delany sisters, was published. Bessie Delany wrote, "Sometimes Sadie [her older sister] disapproves of what I do. Then she gives me that 'big sister' look." At the time of this statement, Bessie was 101 years old, and Sadie was 103. Sadie wrote elsewhere in the book, "If she lives to be 130, I'll have to live to be 132 so I can take care of her." Clearly, the two-year age difference affected the sisters more than the century they lived together.
When writing You Were Always Mom’s Favorite!: Sisters in Conversation Throughout Their Lives, I interviewed over 100 women, whose revelations about sisterly relationships aligned with the accounts of the centenarians. According to my understanding, the dynamics between brothers are similar: older brothers often care for younger ones but also enjoy giving orders. Conversely, offering advice implies recognizing that someone can improve in life and communicating this idea. We often feel that friends, relatives, or even strangers can improve in certain aspects. However, we typically don’t tell them unless we feel responsible for them. Parents often give unsolicited advice to their children because they believe it's their duty (at least their right) to ensure their children lead the best possible lives, specifically by pointing out areas for improvement. Regardless of the good intentions behind these suggestions (in other words, regardless of the parents’ desire to build connection), children often perceive them as criticism and consequently as devaluing. Suggestions imply superiority in knowledge and the exercise of the right to guide others, thus placing the suggester in a position of power over the recipient.
Similarly, many older sisters speak firmly and authoritatively to their younger siblings—a tone typically associated with boys and men. A woman told me that as a child, she and her older sister played a game called "mop." She always played the mop, with her sister holding her feet and dragging her around the house, her long hair sweeping the floor like a mop. Several other women recounted stories of their older sisters taking charge and directing family games. Older sisters generally assign roles in games like this: "I’ll be the princess, and you’ll be the frog." When I was four and my sister six, my father always heard me asking my sister, "Sister, can I play in your backyard?" Clearly, at the time, I never questioned her authority over me.
▲ Intimacy is the key to sisterly relationships and crucial for other relationships among girls and women. When talking to women about sisters, I often hear them say, "I wish we could be closer," but never, "I wish we weren’t so close." Their statements largely reflect the majority of women’s belief that sharing personal matters fosters intimacy. Women say that if sisters don’t share important private information with them, they feel deeply hurt. Brothers or fathers might say, "He will tell us when the time is right," but sisters or mothers often feel, "Our relationship isn’t intimate enough."
Sisterly bonds are often accompanied by strong feelings of rivalry, but this can manifest as competition over connection. Sisters frequently compete over who knows what secrets about family members or who knows them first. The ABC News program "20/20" featured an episode based on one of my books, where guest JuJu Chang mentioned having four sisters. Any major private news, such as engagements or pregnancies, required a phone conference so that all three sisters could learn simultaneously. If informed sequentially, the first sister to receive the call might feel favored, while the others might feel slighted.
Thus, there is often fierce competition between sisters, and from the start, birth order establishes hierarchy in their relationship. However, brothers often maintain deep connections, with familial identity building bonds between them. Both sisterly and brotherly relationships are filled with competition, though in different realms. Sisters might compete over who knows more personal information about family members, while brothers might compete over who knows more non-personal information, such as computers or history.
These familial relationships clearly show that closeness coexists with hierarchy and competition, making it difficult to distinguish between them. Indeed, one reason older sisters feel entitled to command and instruct their younger sisters is the solid bond between them. Moreover, the deep love between siblings, like the love between parents and children, partly stems from their positions in the family and the experiences of caregiving and being cared for.
Listening to familial conversations reveals that, whether between men or women, authority and intimacy are intertwined in unique ways, revealing the convergence of male and female conversational patterns. Both aim to balance closeness and power through communication.
About the Author:
Deborah Tannen is a professor of linguistics at Georgetown University and has authored several books, including the most recent, You Were Always Mom’s Favorite!: Sisters in Conversation Throughout Their Lives.
"You Misunderstood Me - Conversations Between Men and Women"
You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation
[US] Deborah Tannen
Translated by Zhou Hong and Zhu Wanjing
Peking University Press, December 2000
"You Misunderstood Me" is "a novel work of social linguistics that integrates scientific, knowledge-based, practical, and entertaining elements." The book provides numerous experimental and factual examples, explaining the different speaking styles of women and men and their impact on interpersonal relationships in an accessible tone. This book topped The New York Times bestseller list for nearly four years, staying at number one for eight months, and has been translated into more than twenty languages, widely welcomed by readers worldwide.
Structure and Content of the Book:
Preface
Translator's Preface
Chapter 1: Different Words, Different Worlds
Chapter 2: Mistakes
— Women and Men, Conversations That Don't Click
Chapter 3: "Put Down That Newspaper and Talk to Me!"
— Chatting Conversations vs. Presentation Conversations
Chapter 4: Casual Chats
Chapter 5: "Let Me Tell You"
— Monologues and Listening
Chapter 6: Groups and Competition
— Opposing Styles
Chapter 7: Who Interrupts Whom
— Issues of Dominance and Control
Chapter 8: Dare You!
Chapter 9: "Look at Me, I'm Talking to You!"
— Studies of Conversations Across Age Groups
Chapter 10: Tolerating Inequality
— Opening Enlightened Communication Channels
In daily life, each of us has different conversational styles. Therefore, it is common in conversations for people to fail to correctly understand each other's meanings. From a gender perspective, there are noticeable differences in the conversational styles of men and women, showcasing distinctive "gender dialects." Men speak a language centered on status and independence, while women speak a language focused on close relationships. Men and women grow up in different cultural environments, forming their conversational styles in their respective gender circles from a young age, which become increasingly ingrained in adulthood. Thus, conversations between men and women can be considered cross-cultural communication.
Status and interpersonal relationships are two different starting points in interpersonal interactions. People often emphasize one while neglecting the other