Night talk at the third watch, I just use this to record. On August 14, I suddenly didn't get used to the grand music of the opening of World of Warcraft (WoW) and the silence in the game, and ZJ's key changes made me feel that I might have forgotten how to play this game... well, it's time to sleep. On August 15, it was Ghost Festival. I sat there for a long time, but nothing came to visit. The only black-and-white kitten was scared away by the bugs at the door. Perhaps the only thing awakened at this season is the heart demon that stands against me... well, it's time to sleep. On August 16, I occasionally saw Rodman and Hanamichi Sakuragi on the 10th, which reminded me of my former self who never compromised. Reality? Weak as hell. Have I reached the realm of forgetting emotions? ...well, it's time to sleep (actually, I planned to go to bed early today... unfortunately... unfortunately... alas. This resolution needs to be established for a long time...) On August 19, I've been wandering around for another two days. This feeling is really good. Going out for a walk is always beneficial. Measuring the distance between us with my own feet still makes us so close. But now at midnight, everything is chaotic again, can't distinguish, can't distinguish, can't distinguish... well, it's time to sleep (actually, I resolved to go to bed early today... unfortunately... unfortunately... alas. This resolution needs to be established for a long time...)
On September 15, school has started for two weeks, but I don't feel like studying at all. Maybe I've never felt that way. I can't see the end of things, so they have no attraction to me at all. I don't know. Anyway, time passes quickly, like a snap of fingers. Perhaps, this is what people mean when they say "a fleeting youth, a fleeting beauty." It's just that their meaning is more beautiful, while I'm just describing this absurd life. But, where is the real difference? Every night, I still don't want to sleep, but sometimes I have to get up in the morning unwillingly, and sometimes I can escape the constraints of time. Many things are already incomprehensible, and many people won't stay forever. Time moves forward, and so do people. Just like my own enlightenment, since being alone is the norm of life, then everyone will have the nature of returning to solitude or the impulse to form pairs. So, I should be able to calmly accept everything. But, there are still some regrets, not everything can be said to care or not care. However, I think, in the face of the helplessness of reality, everything will become habitual. Silencer? Forsaken? That's it...
On October 14, it's never-ending. Always fighting! On October 23, so arrogant and reckless. So wanton. You must be punished! Alas, obsession, attachment. Everyone wants an outcome.
On October 25, tell me why? Which place is in my heart? Tell me what I have done? Tell me what my heart belongs to? Tell me what is deserved? I shall fail if I never try. That is why.
On November 6, if I am punishing myself because I am not selfish enough, I don't think I am ever that noble. If I am trapping myself because I cannot forget, I don't think I am ever that sentimental. If I am seeking sorrow and hatred everywhere because I am too emotional, I don't think I am letting myself vomit until my eyes are blurred every time. I know, some things will never be known again. I know, some things don't need to be known. I know, what I know, I know. I know, what I don't know, I will never know. These, I know. Since I pushed it away myself, I should accept this silence.
On November 9, I have forgotten whether I realized it first or you did. I have also forgotten whether I thought too much or you did. I just know that the longer we live, the more you and I are becoming alike. I thought, this is just a joke. I thought, I have always been right. But the fact is, years later, I will find that everything seemed so natural back then. I will never think you are right, even though I know that decision was right. I should know that person will never come. But, every time I am about to freeze, there is always a disturbance that overturns all my judgments, making me unable to distinguish everything. What a tangled life!
On November 11, fortune-teller? I have never paid attention... sincerely.
On November 15, what do I care about? When I return, I feel some things have changed, and when I keep guarding, I also feel some things have changed. But, calling it, it comes. Waving it, it goes. I still don't want to say no. I always think people are kind, so I want to face the world kindly. I think this is the normal state of human beings. But, perhaps there are always people who don't consider others, not everyone is like me, having a sense of guilt towards the world. If, as my parents said, I have to treat things hypocritically, it will only make me uncomfortable. But, I still have expectations, still have disappointments. I think I am always pursuing something, but I also ignore a lot of things, a lot of things that must be cared about.
On November 17, whatever, whatever, whatever. When everyone is pursuing something, I still think it doesn't matter. Life indeed needs enlightenment, or maybe I will never understand. Goals, pursuits, efforts, results. Why can't I think about myself like others? Why do I always think everything will be fine? Good to the point that I think I am a fool. Like listening to the rain, it keeps roaring, like a spell, unchanging. Suddenly it becomes smaller, quietly drizzling. Suddenly it becomes bigger, fiercely attacking the window, wanting to rush in, to take back its lost memories. How many times has such a rainy night been experienced by myself standing by the window. Listen to the cold rain, feel the indifference and ruthlessness of the world. Everything, will pass with the wind.
On December 2, the only way to stay calm is to seek another path, but I seem to really can't find this so-called other path. In my self-entertainment, self-alerting, and self-indulgence, value is really meaningless. People can pursue anything, as long as it matters to them. Having something to do is the meaning of living, the meaning of existence. I think, if everything has been achieved, then it is indeed time to leave. So, I need to constantly set new goals for myself, never stop. Perhaps, this is a painful excuse, but living, one excuse is enough.
On December 15, it has been half a year, and everything has settled down. Even if there are unresolved issues, they have passed. I know I don't have the ability to do everything well and satisfy everyone, but I still don't want to let everyone down and mess everything up. I just want the things I care about to burn one more time, because I know, maybe there will really be no chance later, and waiting until later to enjoy everything is just empty talk. Because the me in the future will no longer be the me now, the me in the future can only understand the feelings of the me now, but will no longer have the power to change or satisfy myself. Reality is fleeting, like a dream. Such a young self may never be seen again. Time waits for no one, and I can't fight forever for seemingly meaningless goals that make me full of fighting spirit. I know, all of this will not bring me anything, but I still want to fight once, because this is what I want. Only, I have more than one thing to care about, I have to prevent everything from going wrong, so I still need to work hard.
On December 22, no matter what, today is worth commemorating. Although it is just a small achievement, after all, the effort has paid off, SO, Keep Fighting!
On December 24, I am still stubbornly pursuing, hoping to achieve my goal, but I know I am starting to lose patience and reason, and I know it is likely due to inappropriate external factors and my own inadequacies. But, I also know what I am pursuing is not this vanity, but the result obtained through my own efforts. I hope everything can have a perfect ending, then I can put down all burdens peacefully.
On December 28, hmm, Arena Master, destination. Come on.
On December 31, it seems to be another suspenseful challenge. I hope my teammates and I can persist to the end, but setbacks are coming directly. What should I do? There are some choices I have always been unable to make. What am I pursuing? Can the glory of the last person satisfy me? Or should I end everything with disappointment and regret? I don't know, I really don't know. I am also afraid that all my efforts will be in vain in the end, but... sigh, keep trying, comrades.
On January 16, I clearly know what I want, but the twists and turns of events make me doubt the path I have chosen. I have been striving tirelessly towards this goal, but for various reasons, I can't get closer to the endpoint I desire. I think, what stops me from moving forward might be my own randomness. Perhaps, I should have made a decision long ago, but I have been waiting for progress, even a miracle, a miracle brought by my compromise, but it seems that all these are making me deviate from this goal. Making decisions, I have never been good at it. I am afraid of giving up in the end. If this is just my personal battle, I would be willing to pay everything I can, but this ridiculous goal requires more than just me. Just like a joke.
On January 28, every time at the end of a story, I forget all the original intentions. Every time in your helplessness and sadness, I forget that I am just an insignificant passerby. Every time I act like a madman, using all my strength to dance steps that will only be ridiculed. Every time I think that at the end of the story, there will always be someone who understands everything I have done. I thought, this convoluted and strange story is an inspiring one. I thought, forgetting and being forgotten is just a valve of memory. I thought, I am strong enough. But it seems, I haven't even started yet.
On January 31, I think it's not degeneration. I just want to end some things. I have taken a difficult step. The things I insist on, even if everything has abandoned them, I will defend them by any means necessary. My belief is not those lofty doctrines, but a simple goal. My Brief. Sorry, but I have to do it.