No matter how arrogant we used to be, we will eventually return to silence. Life is a repetition of day after day. No one can keep surprising you forever. When one day you feel that the happiness of the past has become mature, when you find that the people who used to chatter around you don't talk so much anymore, when you find that those things which used to bring you smiles and surprises have now become daily life, I wonder if at that time you will still have the energy you once had. A person's life spans only a few decades. Those we can care for and who can stay by our side, in the end, are only our parents and our other halves. Some people say I abandon my friends for love, but when it comes to oneself, how many can place their friends and their partners on an equal footing? If one really loves, people are selfish; no one is willing to share their partner with others. We are all young now, at the age when we should be wild, but has anyone thought about whether the madness now will seem worthwhile when we are old and sick? This year I am 22 years old, but I feel old. I cannot keep up with the pace of the post-90s generation. Every day, I watch the people around me energetically gaming and entertaining themselves. Perhaps, life is about being wild when one should be wild and not worrying about the future. But I cannot do that. Now, I just want to find a woman and love her properly. Although I found that woman, because of my ignorance about love, I lost her heart, the woman I love. If I could start over, I only wish for you to be by my side, that's enough. I just want to quietly find someone who can accompany me, without grandeur, just seeking a simple life. Without vows, just having you is enough. On February 2nd, 2012, it was another such day spent in boredom and daydreaming. This year has been the most boring one I've ever had. Watching others go in pairs while I am always in groups, what can I do? It is all the result of my own actions. Maybe this is the best outcome for me, maybe I am only suited to being alone. Recently, I have been watching "Twin of the Tang Dynasty" and found my character similar to Chai Shao. Of course, I don't have the wealth or charm of that TV character. I want to learn from Kou Zhong and Xu Ziling's broad-mindedness. If I had that kind of breadth before, would I have lost you? I know regretting now is useless because you said you no longer love me. Yet, I still miss you and love you, too afraid to speak to you, thinking each conversation will lead to an argument. I don't know how long I can keep this up, but I know I will always love you. In a few days, I will leave this game completely. I don't know if after I leave, you will marry someone else. There are too many unknowns, too many things I cannot predict. But one thing is certain: every day I will think of you and love you. Since our breakup, I have lost count of how many times I have thought of you. I don't know how many more days like this I will have, each day feeling like a year. Today, I slept all day, but I didn't sleep well. I woke up every few minutes. I don't know how long these days will continue. I know you won't give me another chance. I know every time I bring it up, it annoys you, yet I keep bringing it up hoping for one last chance, to cherish that last opportunity. But now, I have destroyed it myself. Each time I see your QQ online, I dare not speak to you, fearing that even this silent way of watching you will disappear. I don't know why I am doing this. I think it is just because I still love you and cannot let you go. I cannot do what other men easily do: forget you and find someone new. For others, it may be simple, but for me, it is hard. I know forgetting you would reduce much of my sorrow, but I still cannot do it. Everyday, I sit in front of the computer, staring blankly at your QQ, opening the chat window repeatedly but not daring to talk to you, picking up the phone repeatedly but not daring to call you, just fearing that even this last way of guarding you will vanish. No matter what, if you get hurt, come to me. I will always be your harbor, though I know you don't need it. You have many friends around you, you can entertain yourself, laugh with them, use these to dilute all the unhappiness, but this is just my unilateral idea. On February 3rd, 2012, I realize I am truly not good enough, unable to keep up with your era. I thought the mood I built up these past few days would be enough to deal with all your jokes, but I realized I am still not good enough. No matter what I do, in your eyes, I am wrong now. No matter what I do, whether my words are problematic or not, you will say they bother you. From the fact that you don't initiate conversations with me or call me these days, I can tell. Can you put aside the shadows of the past and talk to me, understand the meaning behind my words? I know if I say you are avoiding me, you will call me narcissistic. But if you really have no feelings left, why do you care so much about what I say? Why can't you interpret my words correctly? Now, it is not that I cannot let go, but there is a shadow of me in your heart. You refuse to believe again, refuse to trust the sincerity behind my words. These past few days, I could see that you still have nothing to say to me because you are preconceived. I know you have nothing to say to me. Therefore, these past few days, it was me and Sisi talking, while you rarely spoke, because there is still a preconceived notion in your heart. You never believed that I have changed. Though some of Sisi's words were unbearable, I am not you or Sisi. I cannot joke as freely as you two can. The people I care about and the things I care about, I genuinely care about them without any pretense. So whatever you need, I will do my utmost, especially for you. Now, you say you like my loyalty, but this same loyalty has become a burden to you. Now, you laugh and play with Sisi every day, completely different from the past. Undeniably, these wounds were brought by me, so you hate me, you will not be with me, and I have no complaints. I know that even if I die now, you will not care, because the impression I left in your heart is one of disdain. I don't know how long this QQ will belong to me. Even if I change my phone number, I don't know if I should tell you. I don't know if I should take the phone to the place I am going to. Sisi says she doesn't want to owe me anything, so she deleted what I gave her. You say my questions annoy you, and you don't want to talk to me. Is it true that I cannot keep up with this era, cannot keep up with your pace? I have been trying, striving to keep up with you, to joke as freely as you can, to laugh and talk every day. But sometimes, I just cannot do it. Maybe this is me. I don't know if I should say I am mature in some aspects or just old. Everyday, I hang onto the game, but I never actually play it. Seeing everyone in the game lobby laughing and talking without any worries, why can't I do it? Now, even facing any game, I cannot muster the passion I used to have to play these games. The only reason I am still hanging onto this game, this QQ, is because of you. I want to see you happy, unwilling to disturb you. Hardly restored a bit of our relationship, today I ruined it myself. Maybe I am really, in your eyes, the person full of annoying questions. But I just want to protect you, because I cannot bear to see you sad or upset. Seeing you with Sisi every day like this, I am also very sad. It is me, letting you use this method to vent, I know here you will say I am narcissistic. Until now, I still remember that you did not allow me to drink alcohol or smoke because it is bad for health. I don't know if you still smoke. I once asked you to quit too. Everything, I don't know, nor do I want to guess. I think the only thing I know is that you will still take medicine every day, will still suffer from cold body, but I can no longer take care of you. On February 4th, 2012, in the blink of an eye, it has been more than three years. This game has accompanied me for so long, but I cannot recall anything this game has brought me. From the beginning until now, what I care about are only those people I hold in my heart. In three years, both the past and present me remember, remember those people I care about. Although some have been hurt by me, I can only say sorry. In three years, what truly accompanied me was not this game, but every friend who appeared in my QQ. Now, maybe it is the deep connection between me and this place that caused the person I care about most to leave me. Soon, I will leave too. These past few days, I have been trying to repair our relationship, but I realize how much I bother you. Maybe as you said, you detest me and will not be with me anymore. But I just want to take care of you. I have really changed. I believe I can control myself to trust you, but you will not give me another chance. Thank you for the happiness and joy you and your friends brought me during this period, a long-lost feeling. From the me who didn't know which way the internet cafe door opened to now, I have really experienced a lot. It has made me understand a lot of things. Sometimes, people really cannot be too greedy. Thinking about now, at least I can still look at you, quietly watch you. Originally, you were right. I really cannot joke around as freely as you think. I take things seriously, maybe this is me, a person silly to the extreme. Today, I admit defeat. What kind of love disaster requires this? Sisi, I won't be in this game for long either. Do you have to be so harsh? I have always regarded you as a good friend. Actually, this game has never been the focus for me. My focus has always been the friends I met through this game. The reason I stayed in this game was this. Without this reason, I would have quit this game long ago. Now, I would rather hang out in the lobby than entertain myself. We have been friends for so long. Have you ever seen me entertain myself alone? On February 5th, 2012, we have finally reached this step, the one I least wanted to see. Since the day we broke up, I have been thinking about restoring our relationship every moment. Just because I love you and want to take care of you. Remember the words you said back then, they are still in my mind, refusing to fade. Because of obsession, so deeply. Remember when I was about to join the army, I said I would leave, worried that you would wait for me. You said, don't leave me. Just this sentence made me give up joining the army. Thus, my relationship with my family worsened even more. They all said I wasted their earnest efforts. During that time, I kept finding negative news about joining the army, constantly telling my mom how bad it was. I even argued with my dad and brother, just not wanting to join the army. It was just because of that sentence you said, don't leave me. Maybe I really left myself too idle, idling myself into illness. Doing so many things that hurt you, but I really wasn't intentional. It was just because I loved you deeper and deeper. I know, no matter what reason, using love as an excuse is not an excuse. But it was really because I love you, deeply, deeply. Before, you always told me you love me. You said you knew you said it many times, but you were afraid I would forget. During this long time, every day you spent with me, I remember vividly. 185 days. Thank you for accompanying me every day and night. I was really happy. Now, I really want to go to the camp, to a world where I can tire myself to the point of thinking of nothing. But there is no longer an opportunity. Now, I live every day in pain and thoughts of you. The pain is because I still love you, but no matter how hard I try, I cannot be with you. Missing you is because every day I review our memories, thinking of them again and again. Sometimes, I also know that you will not give me another chance. Forgetting you would be the best choice. I have been telling myself this, but I find that I really cannot do it. Every time I try to forget you, it makes me remember you even more. Every day, I stare blankly at the computer and QQ, at the phone, still fantasizing that maybe you will understand and choose to give me one last chance. Isn't that narcissistic? Isn't that silly? Today, I will choose to leave here. After trying so hard since our breakup, you still haven't given me a chance. Yesterday, you said that between friends, you would choose friendship. But before, you also told me not to force you to make a choice. On the last day of my departure, I made you angry again. But it was intentional. Since you are already annoyed by me, being annoyed once more will make you forget me more thoroughly. Maybe it's my narcissism. At least this way, in the future, even if I really disappear, you won't feel anything. Now, I prefer to see your happiness in the future rather than your current unhappiness. Isn't that narcissistic again? Remember before, you said if I dared not to want you, you would come and kill me, then self-harm. Actually, now I really want you to kill me, then you can live a happy life. Remember, you said I am your only man. Remember, you used to suspect I had a lover, but I really just needed you. Remember, you said you would never leave me in this life, that you belonged only to me. Remember, you said my heart should be small, small enough to only fit you and my parents. Remember, I asked you if two years would dilute our feelings, and your answer was no. You said after having me, you didn't want to know anyone else, just wanted to spend every day with me. Remember many things about us, but now they can only become memories. Thinking about it, I still love you now, loving you more and more, but you will not give me a chance. I have started packing my luggage, choosing the most tiring and busiest work, not to forget you, but to give myself something to do so tightly that I won't bother you anymore, won't disturb you anymore. Still, I will miss you, love you, just like the lyrics I once told you, if there is you in the world, everything else becomes unimportant. If my world could have you again, really, nothing else matters. As long as you are enough. The meal today was eaten in vain, all thrown up. Self-inflicted punishment, the only meal eaten, and it was thrown up again. On February 6th, 2012, without you, my world will be meaningless. You are my only obsession. Signed, Xiaoyuan Related theme articles: Unreachable desires to reclaim Coloring (painting) steps How to treat osteophyte