What is love? And what is the most important thing in love? When we think we are in love, we often do not fully understand it.
A girl fell in love with a boy. She was captivated by his nonchalant demeanor and his deep, magnetic baritone voice; she felt he was extraordinary. The boy also became infatuated with her, saying that she possessed a rare purity uncommon among city girls. They began dating. One day, the girl fell ill and called him, hoping he would visit her, but he said he had to go to a party and that a cold was no big deal—resting would make it better. Another time, the girl was stuck on the road due to rain and asked him to pick her up, but he said he was busy and told her to wait. The girl waited for two hours in the rain.
Later, the girl and the boy broke up—not because of these small incidents, but because the boy had fallen for another girl. The girl was heartbroken, but there was no way to win back his love.
Not long after, the girl met a man five years older than her. He frequently called her, but when they met in person, he was rather quiet. He never explicitly confessed his feelings for her, only sending her a beautifully designed email with a rose-patterned background, which read: "I feel your breath every moment." The girl thought he had fallen for her. One day, he called her again, and she said she wasn't feeling well and needed to go to the hospital. He immediately said, "I'll go with you." The girl declined, saying it wasn't serious. He didn't say anything more, but when the girl arrived at the hospital, she found him waiting at the registration desk. Another time, the girl got drunk and called him. He hung up the phone and drove dozens of kilometers overnight to pick her up. He didn't blame her at all, only saying, "Getting drunk is tough; don't do it again." The girl saw his eyes filled with concern.
However, the girl never fell in love with this man. Feeling helpless, he said, "I originally thought I could take care of you, but now we can only be friends. If you need help, just tell me, and I will definitely come." As the girl watched him leave, she remembered her first boyfriend and realized that this man truly loved her. She understood the deep compassion embedded in his feelings for her.
When the girl was nearing thirty, she met an architect. Their meeting felt like lonely souls finding companionship. When they were together, he always looked at her with focused attention. Whenever she was upset, he would try various ways to make her happy, explaining, "I just want you to be happy." When she had a slight cough, he would daily remind her to take her medicine. When she went out, he always said, "Be careful." Everything seemed ordinary, but everything demonstrated his affection and care for her. The girl liked him, but she wasn't sure if she truly loved him. Until one day, he shared with her the pain of his past breakups, telling her how he struggled with loneliness over the years. He buried his head in her chest, like a child. The girl hugged him, and in that moment, a wave of deep compassion surged within her. She decided she must be good to him and never let him feel lonely again. Later, as the girl reflected on that moment, she admitted it was her moment of true love. She had never felt such profound compassion for any man, including her first boyfriend.
The girl's love for the architect grew deeper through their mutual compassion. Because of their compassion, everything they did for each other was aimed at making the other feel happy and content. Because of their compassion, they refused to do anything that might harm the other. The love they nurtured from their compassion made them feel indispensable to each other, and they resolved to cherish each other for life.
It took the girl many years to understand what real, reliable love is—the kind that is enduring and long-lasting. In the past, she mistook infatuation for love, a mistake many people make. Infatuation may just be the initial stage of love or merely the budding of affection. If infatuation does not evolve into mutual compassion, love will quickly fade away, as infatuation dissipates too fast.
When someone is infatuated, they can do all sorts of dizzying things, including making grand promises and sweet talk. A boy deeply in love once wrote to the girl he loved: "My love, even if I have to cross thousands of mountains and rivers, risk my life, I will come to you. Even if struck by lightning, I will stay with you until the end of the world." But at the end of the letter, he added a line: "If it doesn't rain on Saturday, I'll pick you up." This exaggerated joke vividly portrays how shallow and fragile love based solely on infatuation can be without compassion.
Compassion is another dimension of love. "Lian" means sympathy, a deep empathy, while "Xi" means cherishing, valuing every bit and refusing to discard even the smallest detail. Compassion is the robust root system of the love tree, deeply embedded in the soil. Without strong external destruction, it will not easily vanish. Philosophers have said: "Love, in essence, is an emotion directed toward the weak." Compassion is precisely this most essential form of love—a completely voluntary willingness to sacrifice for the happiness and well-being of the other, an irresistible desire to place the other under one's protection, providing emotional and physical support, regardless of whether one is actually stronger than the other. Compassion is not pity; pity is a condescending act of charity, tinged with a sense of superiority and satisfaction in giving. Compassion, on the other hand, stems from respect and admiration, offering gentle protection and unconditional giving.
Compassion is handing a glass of water to a thirsty lover, a reminder before leaving home, opening one’s arms when a lover cries, the thought flashing through one's mind while rushing home—"If I don’t go home, she won’t be able to sleep"—a desire to bear the pain of a sick lover, a willingness to do anything as long as the loved one is happy, seeing the loved one as the most vulnerable and needing care. Love imbued with compassion is neither pretentious nor exaggerated. It firmly resides in the heart of the lover, always ready to provide protection and warmth to the beloved.
With compassion, one becomes unwilling to do anything that harms the other, unwilling to see the other unhappy, wanting only for the loved one to feel happy and content. For this purpose, they will please each other, satisfy each other's needs, prioritize the other's well-being above their own, making the other feel like the most important person in their life, walking through life together. This is the deepest, strongest, most stable, and most decisive love built on the foundation of compassion.
Perhaps, like the girl, we will experience many twists and turns in our emotions, traverse long stretches of time, before finally understanding what kind of love we should truly hold onto and cherish. But we may not have the same luck as the girl—we may have already missed those deep feelings of compassion hidden beneath our neglect. Therefore, when we are young and have the most opportunities to encounter romantic collisions, carefully examine the components of those emotions, and see how much of them involve compassion. That should be the touchstone of love, helping us retain true love and eliminate false love.