American writer couple Elizabeth and Dan decided to conduct an experiment, but Dan had doubts at the start, worrying that it might "scare out the hidden snake."
Dan focused his energy on cooking, producing all sorts of peculiar dishes that drove his wife crazy. The couple exchanged emails, making demands on each other's bodies.
The New York Times contributing journalist Elizabeth Weil and writer-surf athlete Dan have known each other for 11 years, been married for 9, have stable jobs, their mortgage is paid off, and their daughters are gradually growing up, yet passion in their marriage has faded, and both parties' flaws seem increasingly intolerable. Could this marriage regain its passion? After conducting a period of experimentation, the couple found that the quality of their marriage improved significantly. Elizabeth Weil wrote about this experience in her upcoming book, *No Cheating, No Dying*. Recently, Elizabeth Weil gave an exclusive interview to *The Bund*, discussing the difficult journey she and her husband went through in saving their marriage. She said, "A good marriage allows both parties to grow and gives them the ability and courage to face the world."
Written by Lu Yan and Liu Luo (intern)
In an exclusive interview with *The Bund*, American writer and New York Times contributing journalist Elizabeth Weil candidly stated: "My married life is quite good, but I feel there is room for improvement because my husband has many behaviors that exhaust me. For example, last spring, he was tinkering in the basement and used a saw to cut a frozen pig's head into small pieces so it could be stored in jars. Of course, I also have many things that drive him crazy. For instance, I dislike French kissing; I often thoughtlessly reject Dan's suggestions; when Dan vomits in the middle of the night, I pretend to be asleep. But I think Dan is worse than me. I remember during a family gathering at our country house in Maine, he threatened to beat my younger brother severely. Despite all this, our marriage overall is still quite good."
If so, what prompted Elizabeth and her husband to conduct an improvement experiment on their "generally good" marriage?
Making the Decision
One evening, lying in bed, Elizabeth suddenly had an idea: improve her and Dan's marriage.
Elizabeth told the reporter from *The Bund* that after marriage, whether it was work, socializing, exercise, or the extremely troublesome task of raising children, she was responsible and conscientious. Her husband Dan was the same, actively learning various new skills, tirelessly working "as if seeking trouble for himself." In nine years of marriage, Dan transformed himself into a skilled carpenter, an excellent chef, and an indefatigable athlete. Now he was reading Soviet-era load training manuals, hoping to train his 41-year-old body into a robust teenage physique.
Tragically, Dan believed that all these efforts were remedies to improve their marriage, but they were not appealing to Elizabeth. Despite all the efforts, the intimacy between the couple disappeared.
Elizabeth said, "Why is our life so passive? What exactly are we afraid of losing? I want to know why."
That night, Elizabeth shared her thoughts with Dan: "I started like this: Our marriage is like a wave, shaped and directed by the undertow beneath the water." Taking a breath and observing Dan's expression, Elizabeth continued, "Do you remember? On the third day after I moved to San Francisco, I met you. Do you remember what you were like then? At that time, you were a surfer-athlete and a writer, handsome and charming beyond measure. Eleven years later, we have two children, two jobs, a house. Is our life really going to become stagnant from now on?"
After heartfelt discussions, the couple unanimously decided: to improve their marriage while their relationship was still solid. They also agreed that now was the time, otherwise they would miss the opportunity. Their two daughters, aged four and seven, no longer needed full-time care; both their careers were on track and relatively stable; the house loan was paid off.
Elizabeth began extensively reading psychology books and discovered that her thoughts were part of a common phenomenon. According to *Clinical Psychology*, most couples wait about six years of disharmony before seeking marriage counseling.
Dan's Doubts
Dan expressed concerns about his wife's proposal. He quoted a Californian saying: If you plan to make love in the bushes, be prepared mentally because it might scare out the hidden snake.
On July 1, 2000, Elizabeth and Dan held their wedding in California. That year, Dan was 32 and Elizabeth was 30. Both sets of parents had marriages lasting more than 40 years. Dan grew up in Berkeley, California, where his parents were so absorbed in their romantic relationship that he felt neglected. During high school, girls wouldn't talk to him, so Dan sought advice from his mother, who said that Dan was so handsome that girls were too shy to speak to him. Elizabeth's parents raised three children in Massachusetts, busy with livelihoods and without much opportunity to express intimate feelings.
After the wedding, the couple thought that the potential issues in their relationship would likely be financial difficulties and religious differences (Elizabeth was Jewish, Dan Christian). Later life proved that neither constituted a problem. They established a 21st-century companion-style marriage: besides being economic partners, lovers, cooperative parents, and best friends, Dan and Elizabeth were also each other's work assistants, editors, and first readers.
What Should a Good Marriage Be Like?
More interesting conversations? More passionate sex?
University of Rochester psychology professor Harry Reis compared various interpretations of contemporary marital relationships to "blind men touching an elephant": although everyone's perception of the elephant is correct, no one knows what the whole elephant looks like. Eventually, Dan and Elizabeth reached a mutual agreement: they firmly believed that through attempts and exploration, a better form of marriage and standard would emerge. They began improving their marriage according to Dr. Harville Hendrix's authoritative work, *Getting the Love You Want*.
Elizabeth and Dan started their first project: creating a list of personal traits that they wished their partner would praise but never had. Elizabeth told *The Bund* that although Dan always eagerly awaited her evaluations, she was not very good at offering praise.
Step One: Complete the following sentence in as many ways as possible: "When you... I feel loved and cared for."
Dan quickly wrote: "Initiate a kiss; tidy up the kitchen; tell me I look strong."
Psychologist Michael Vincent Miller described marriage in his book *Intimate Terrorism: Love in an Age of Disillusionment* with piercing insight. He believed that marriage mocks the "most beautiful dreams," because post-marriage life is filled with imperfections—it's a "cruel competition over whose needs will be met," a situation where "both individuals try to emotionally and psychologically satisfy themselves, but ultimately only one person gets satisfaction." Elizabeth and Dan realized they had indeed come to see each other as competitors. "This feeling started shortly after our marriage—where to buy a house? How much money is enough? Who takes care of the kids, and who goes to the gym? As these problems resolved, our relationship improved slightly. But this competitive mindset has returned," Elizabeth recalled.
Step Two: Recall romantic times from your courtship. Complete the sentence: "When you... I once felt loved and cherished." Dan read aloud: "'Looked at me provocatively before leaving,' are you joking? You don’t even glance at me when you leave. Except for the kids, you ignore everything else."
Hearing this, Elizabeth's mood plummeted: "I always thought I was trying hard not to shift my affection from my husband to the kids, but clearly, I failed. But Dan hasn't balanced the roles of husband and father either, just in a way opposite to mine. He often neglects the kids."
Elizabeth suddenly realized a fact: her favorite books about marriage, such as Calvin Trillin's *About Alice* and Joan Didion's *The Year of Magical Thinking*, appealed to her precisely because one party in those marriages had already passed away.
Marriage Education
There is a view in American academia that: couples can definitely achieve better marriages through learning. The founder of the marriage education movement, Father Bernard Gniady Jr., argued in *Strengthening Marriages* that marital relationships are "like wanting to play tennis but not knowing how to do it. Experts providing therapy is akin to a tennis coach teaching students, though it may take time and effort, it usually leads to a good outcome."
Elizabeth and Dan attended a training course that required 16 hours, titled "Mastering the Art of Love." The course taught students how to engage in "skilled conversations" and similar techniques, aiming to stop the recurring war of "who wins the verbal battles." From the training content, it began with one person describing their feelings, the other validating these feelings, and repeating them word for word.
Accompanied by soft background music, Elizabeth and Dan sat on the couch and started their "skilled conversation." Dan mimicked Elizabeth’s tone: "The noise is unbearable, you’d better keep the house quiet." Elizabeth mimicked Dan: "Food is an important part of the family, a source of health and happiness, allowing you to experience the lifestyle you pursue three times a day."
The issue stemmed from a long-standing argument between the couple: household division of labor. After the birth of their first child, Hannah, Elizabeth and Dan repeated the same conversation every night: do you want to cook or take care of the child? Dan always chose to cook, while Elizabeth always chose to take care of the child. Seven years passed, and Dan became an "outstanding and extravagant" chef, spending far more on food than their budget allowed. They ate extremely well. The refrigerator was packed with seasonal foods: homemade smoked salmon slices, organic milk, salted sardines, lettuce, fermented lemons, Italian cheese, goat cheese, leeks, garlic, Blue Bottle coffee, and eggs. On weekend nights, Dan would prepare potstickers with salmon, truffle corn grits, and Madeira white wine for Elizabeth. Dan hoped to escape real-life problems through cooking, "What? I'm cooking!" Meanwhile, Elizabeth had to care for the crying, screaming baby and worry about the family's finances.
Dan's cooking style and the noise he made drove Elizabeth crazy, and she repeatedly requested a place free from all commotion. Dan retaliated against his wife's complaints by secretly adding fried pig ears to salads, preparing strange breakfasts for her, ignoring the flour containers the kids knocked over, and making pancakes with grapes and champagne at 6:45 AM.
Elizabeth knew that Dan's love for cooking and his obsessive-compulsive behavior were merely ways to relieve his anxiety, attempting to bring some order to his chaotic nerves. Without such an outlet, Dan would almost break down, and once broken down, he would lose his temper. Theoretically, Elizabeth respected his approach, even admiring this energy redirection. But in practical life, she had to fight back.
That afternoon, the couple communicated in this rigid manner, and this exercise seemed to open Pandora's box, making the situation increasingly unpleasant. Nonetheless, they realized that verbal disputes only added pain. That evening, when they returned home, they experienced their first "argument-free night," during which Elizabeth told Dan a story from her childhood, something she had never mentioned to him before due to insecurity.