A lumberjack went to apply for a job.
Foreman: "Go try your hand in the forest up ahead... let's see how many trees you can cut down in a minute..."
After one minute...
Foreman: "Wow... 20 trees in a minute... that's incredible! Where did you work before?"
Worker: "Sahara Forest..."
Foreman: "Never heard of it... I've only heard of the Sahara Desert..."
Worker: "Yeah... we changed the name later!"
Wife: "I must have been blind and stepped in dog poop to marry you."
Husband: "And I must have been blind and stepped in dog poop to marry you!"
Dog Poop: "I'm so unlucky! I was just lying there and both of you stepped on me..."
Once upon a time, there was a pair of lovers who secretly pledged their eternal love. However, the man had to serve in the military, so he made a vow with the woman, giving her a diamond ring and promising to meet her three years from that day, with the ring serving as their wedding band.
Finally, after three long years, on his way home, the man heard news of the woman’s marriage. Heartbroken, he threw the diamond ring into the sea in despair. Three days later, the ship docked. The man went to a small restaurant for a meal. A fish was served. He took a bite and felt something hard. Spitting it out, guess what he saw?
Fish bones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One day, a teacher took a group of children up the mountain to pick fruit.
He announced: "Kids, after picking the fruit, we'll wash them together, then eat them."
All the children ran off to pick fruits.
When it was time to gather, all the children assembled.
Teacher: "Xiao Hua, what did you pick?"
Xiao Hua: "I’m washing an apple because I picked an apple."
Teacher: "Xiao Mei?"
Xiao Mei: "I’m washing a tomato because I picked a tomato."
Teacher: "Great job, kids! What about Ming?"
Ming: "I’m washing my shoes because I stepped in poop."
Why does the puppy get smaller and smaller?
Because it's walking further and further away.
Once upon a time, there was a horse! It was running and fell into the sea. So it became a "sea horse"! Another horse friend of this horse went to look for the one that fell into the sea but ended up falling into a river instead. Later, it became a "river horse". A third horse, a white one, went to search for the two missing friends in a city with chaotic traffic. It got run over by several cars, leaving black stripes all over its body. Eventually, it turned into a "zebra"! The fourth horse went to look for the first three companions. One day, it arrived at a factory and was transformed into an "iron horse". But eventually, none of the horses escaped being eaten, all becoming "sachima", creating a world without horses... Then, some people who read this joke couldn't help but say, "Man, that's cold!" Finally, to commemorate this joke, someone compiled it into a lesson, which we call "Horse Race Class"!
One day, green bean broke up with his girlfriend... He cried and cried... feeling very sad... until... he... sprouted...
One day, a lump of black poop saw a lump of white poop. Black poop asked: "Why are you so white and pretty?" White poop got very angry! He said: "I'm not poop! I'm ice cream!!!"
There was once a tiger chasing a sheep when suddenly it came across a rat... Instead of eating the rat, the tiger got eaten by the rat... Why? Because the tiger and the rat were confused about each other's identities.
A software company was hiring. One day, a dog came to apply for the job. The manager felt frustrated and wanted to drive the dog away. The dog took out a piece of paper and a pen and neatly wrote: "Please don't discriminate against animals." The manager realized this was no ordinary dog. Out of curiosity, he decided to give it a try. The manager presented the application requirements: 1. Must be able to type. 2. Must know how to program. 3. Must be proficient in at least one foreign language. The dog went to the computer and skillfully typed an article, then created a complex program. Then it approached the manager and said: "Meow!!"
Toothpaste girl often changed boyfriends frequently. First, she dated Mr. Soft Toothbrush, then started seeing Mr. Electric Toothbrush. One day, a new neighbor moved in. Toothpaste girl said: "Wow, you're so tall and handsome... What's your name? Let's go on a date!" The new neighbor coolly replied: "No way! Because I'm a comb."
One day, the animals smelled a foul odor near the Guan Gong Temple. The snake said: "I'm too small to produce such a smelly fart; it must be the cow." The cow said: "I only eat grass, I don't produce such smelly farts." The pig said: "The person who farts will turn red in the face." Suddenly, Guan Gong burst out and slapped the pig, saying: "I've told you countless times, my face is naturally red!"
He was never really romantic. Since he found out she liked roses and there was a place where you could cut your own flowers cheaply, he occasionally bought eleven roses to send to her. When she received the flowers, happiness always showed in her eyes, but inadvertently also a puzzled look. Until one day, she read in a book about the meaning behind the number of flowers, she realized that flowers didn’t necessarily have to come in pairs, and the meaning behind eleven roses was truly touching. But she still hoped to hear him say it personally. When she asked him what the meaning of eleven roses was, he could only mumble vaguely. He quickly asked the florist what the meaning of eleven roses was, and the florist said: "I’ve been growing flowers for thirty years and have never heard of the language of flowers!" But I often hear men buying flowers telling women sweet lies, why do you sell flowers in bunches of eleven? He asked curiously, and the florist said: "Because... buy ten, get one free!"
Xiaoming owed the underground moneylender 200,000 yuan. Xiaoming pleaded for more time. The lender said: "You must pay tomorrow, otherwise... two fingers will be chopped off; the day after tomorrow... four more fingers; the third day..." Xiaoming: "Will I not have to pay then?" The lender: "No, by then you'll become Doraemon."
This story happened long ago in China. After playing rock-paper-scissors all afternoon, Scissors, Stone, and Paper went home together. On the way... Stone noticed a lamp lying by the roadside, similar to Aladdin's magic lamp. Curious, he picked it up and wiped off the dust. Suddenly, white smoke rose from the bottle's mouth, and slowly a dragon appeared... but it was scrawny and malnourished. It opened its mouth and said weakly: "Who set me free?" Stone said: "It was me who set you free." Dragon: "Oh... cough cough... I can grant you one wish..." Stone: "Ah... only one? Aren't there usually three?" Dragon: "Sorry... I'm a half-baked dragon... if you don't want it, that's fine too..." Stone: "Alright... then... can you turn us all into humans? We're tired of playing rock-paper-scissors every day." Dragon: "Oh... I'll try... but probably only one will succeed because I'm a half-baked dragon..." The dragon coughed a few times and spat saliva on each of them. White smoke gradually enveloped them, and the dragon disappeared in the Three-Character Classic. When the smoke cleared... Stone was still a stone, Scissors was still scissors, only Paper was no longer paper, Paper successfully turned into a human! Amidst one happy and two sad outcomes... Someone passing by witnessed this scene and recorded it. This person was Mencius. He wrote: "... Paper succeeded, turning into a human." And this saying has been passed down through the generations and included in Chinese textbooks.
In a family, an elder passed away. Since a public memorial service was planned, the body was frozen with ice to preserve it until the ceremony. It was a hot day, so water droplets began to form on the body. The young grandson, standing nearby, anxiously shouted: "Grandma, grandma... grandpa is sweating!" Grandma replied: "Shh... grandpa is nervous because it's his first time dying!"
One day, a man encountered God... God suddenly felt generous and decided to grant the man a wish... God asked... "Do you have any wishes?" The man thought for a moment... "I've heard cats have nine lives... Can you grant me nine lives?" God said... "Your wish is granted..." One day, the man, feeling bored, decided to die just to see what would happen... since he had nine lives anyway. He lay on the train tracks... A train passed by... and the man died... Why? Because the train had ten carriages...
Xiaoxue asked her dad: "Dad, is there a more ridiculous book?" "Yes," Dad said, "there's a book that I've read for over twenty years and still find ridiculous." "What? There's a book that you'd find ridiculous after reading for twenty years?" "Marriage certificate."
A young lady was driving and stopped at a red light. A traffic officer noticed that she kept looking at the red light turning green, then green turning red... She stayed motionless in the middle of the road. So the officer walked over and asked: "What's wrong? Is there no color you like?"
We've been dating for a few years now...
Recently, it seems like the calls have decreased...
The feelings have faded...
When I ask her why...
She just looks down and doesn't say a word...
I don't know what to do...
After all... feelings can't be forced...
Friends tell me...
She's been getting close to another guy recently...
I can't believe it...
I don't want to believe it...
Because... I really like her...
But... that day on the street...
I actually saw her with another guy...
Holding hands...
Laughing and talking intimately...
At that moment...
My heart... shattered...
After finding out...
I learned that he... is a medical student...
His family owns a big hospital...
How can I, a student from a third-rate university, compare...
These past few days, I haven't been able to sleep...
I still want to win back our feelings...
I thought about it for a long time...
Decided to send her an apple every day...
Because...
I firmly believe...
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
Two foreigners went shopping at Carrefour. At checkout, the clerk asked: "Can you speak Chinese?" The two foreigners answered in Mandarin: "If you speak slower, we can understand!" The clerk said: "Can...you...speak...Chinese?"
One evening... Xiaoming couldn't sleep, so he decided to take a walk... He walked and walked along the highway near his house... Unfortunately, he encountered a police checkpoint... Xiaoming was called over for questioning. The police asked Xiaoming why he was walking on the highway, and after questioning, handed him a ticket... It read: 1. Not wearing a seatbelt 2. Driving without a license 3. Speed under 60 km/h.
A guy went to the hospital for a check-up and underwent many tests. The doctor said: "There's good news and bad news! After reviewing your test results, I found that you have latent homosexual tendencies! And it's difficult to cure!" The guy said: "My goodness! What's the good news then?" The doctor shyly said: "I think you're kind of cute..."
One day, a female classmate in a high school physics class was eagerly waiting for the substitute teacher. When the physics class started, it turned out to be a handsome male teacher. One female student teasingly said: "Teacher, can we skip class and play some exciting games instead?" The male teacher paused for a moment and said: "Alright... everyone, put your books away, now we're having a test!"
One day, Miss Cockroach came crying back home... Her father asked: "What happened, daughter?" Miss Cockroach said: "Dad! Why do people call me a pest! Waaaah..." At this moment, her brother Cockroach came back happily and said: "Dad! For the first time in my life, someone greeted me enthusiastically!" Father Cockroach asked: "Really? What did they say?" Little Cockroach said: "When I went out, they saw me and said: 'Hi! Bug!'"
Tang Monk: "For this journey to fetch scriptures, we should find a shortcut!"
Monkey King: "Taking a plane is faster than riding a horse!!"
Pigsy: "Shenzhou VI is even faster!!!"
Sandy pulled out a gun: "I've heard this thing can send someone straight to the Western Paradise immediately..."
A hunter went hunting with his hunting dog but didn't catch anything all day in the forest. It was dark, and the stubborn hunter kept riding his horse around in the woods. The horse suddenly said: "You won't let me rest, trying to tire me out?!" The hunter was shocked and immediately rolled off the horse, pulling the dog to run away. They panted for breath under a big tree when the dog patted its chest and said: "Scared me half to death, the horse can talk!" The hunter was scared to death right there...
A candy was walking in the North Pole, feeling very cold... So it turned into rock candy!!!
A cabbage was walking and kept taking off its clothes, until finally it disappeared...
A black cat saved a white cat from the river. Do you know what the white cat said to the black cat afterward?
It said: "Meow~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"
Which one between a wolf, a tiger, and a lion would definitely be eliminated in a game? Wolf
Because: Peach Boy (eliminates the wolf)
How to make your drink bigger?
Recite the Great Compassion Mantra
A condom felt itchy, so it kept scratching itself... Guess what happened?
It caused a fatal incident...
Hooligan + Hooligan = Hooligan Rabbit (TWO) --- Little White + Little White = Little White Rabbit
One day, a matchstick fell and hurt its head, so it went to the hospital for bandaging. When it came out, it had turned into a cotton swab!!!
A classmate of mine from Xiamen University once went out and was captured by the enemy! The enemy tied him to a utility pole and said: "Back then, we asked someone which school they were from, and he shouted that he was from the Electric University, so we electrocuted him to death--- If you don't say, you'll meet the same fate!" My classmate said: "I'm from Xiamen University..."
What does shark eating mung beans become?
Mung bean paste
There was a child crying, and his father said: "Be good, stop crying, and Dad will take you to the market to watch others eat candy..."
The first university gathering was held at the zoo.
Everyone agreed for the same reason:
Only here can we feel grateful that we're still human...
A flight attendant approached a man who was loudly protesting.
The man shouted: "I want to file a complaint against this airline! Every time I fly, I sit in the same seat, no movies, not even curtains! I can't even sleep!"
The flight attendant said: "Cut it out... Captain, stop making a fuss!"
Girlfriend accuses boyfriend...
Girl: "Why was a woman answering your phone that day!?"
Boy: "Unjust! How could that be?"
Girl: "Really? She even told me 'The number you dialed is unanswered, please leave a message after the beep!' Tell me, who is she!?"
One day, Xiaoming went to Karaoke, ordering a song called "Dream Witch Soup" by You Hongming. After waiting for a long time, he pressed the service bell. The new waiter came in politely: "Sir, may I help you with anything?"
Xiaoming: "The Dream Witch Soup I ordered, why hasn't it come yet?"
Waiter: "Alright, sir, I'll rush the kitchen for you!"