Confession: Winter Snow (pseudonym), female, 34 years old, teacher.
http://www.luoliaoshipin.com
My wife and I have been married for seven years, and we have a six-year-old daughter. We were elementary school classmates, but during high school, we didn't date. Perhaps it was fate; after graduation, we met again, re-established contact, and eventually got married. My impression of her from school days was that she was introverted and steady.
After dating for half a year, we got married. In the daily life filled with trivial matters like buying groceries and cooking, I realized that our worldviews, values, and personalities are completely different. These differences led to conflicts, and we lived in a cycle of conflict, reconciliation, and compromise. This disharmonious marital relationship severely damaged both of our emotions. To make things worse, before we had a child, she always kept a picture of her ex-boyfriend in her wallet, which felt like a challenge and slap to me. Only after we had our child did she replace the ex's photo with our child's.
I realized that if you really want to understand someone, you can't just look at their outward behavior in society, but instead observe their actions in marriage and family life. Despite the impression she gave me in school, she actually has a very short temper. Something that others might consider insignificant could trigger her anger. She doesn't listen to anyone, and living with her is almost unbearable. I don't know why she's this way. She said that her parents divorced when she was in middle school, and her father had a bad temper, leaving her with a strict and frightening image of him. Although I understand what she went through, I grew up in a warm and harmonious family where we respected elders and were kind to others, so my way of dealing with people is quite different from hers.
In the early years of our marriage, we often argued fiercely. Once, when my mom criticized her, she even fought with my mom, making me feel very embarrassed and even thinking that I couldn't live with her anymore. But then something worse happened. Last year, during an argument, she actually hit me. I couldn't bear it, and in anger, I decided to divorce her, and she immediately agreed.
That day, we went to the civil affairs bureau. Thinking about how our child would lose a complete family and full parental love made me cry uncontrollably. Fortunately, due to incomplete documents, the divorce process was suspended, and we silently returned home. After returning home, we both calmed down significantly, temporarily ceased fighting, and our tempers improved somewhat. Actually, I know that although my husband has many flaws, he is still a very responsible father to our child.
Thus, our lives seemed to return to normal. However, our communication became less frequent, and our marital life became increasingly unhappy, sometimes only happening once every few months, and even then, it was perfunctory. I'm sure my husband hasn't been unfaithful, and I know there's nothing wrong with his health, so why does he treat me so coldly? I also asked him, and he said he didn't know the reason either, just that he lost interest in "sex." I thought, if the quality of sex isn't improving, shouldn't the quantity improve? But before bed, he either doesn't shower or takes a nap. Even when we do have sex, it's usually at night when time is tight, and it feels rushed, as if he's just going through the motions. I don't understand why they say that sex enhances emotional intimacy between couples, yet why does our relationship seem to get worse every time we have sex?
[Expert Comment] When a man faces a woman who constantly complains, he will inevitably develop feelings of boredom, fear, and avoidance, making it difficult for him to feel desire or passion for her. Therefore, his actions of keeping distance from you reflect his inner psychological state.
The lack of communication or ineffective communication between spouses is because you're engaging in verbal exchanges rather than heartfelt, action-based communication. Such communication is often aimed at achieving personal goals or convincing the other party, thus producing no results. When the other party sees through your intentions, they naturally refuse to communicate. True communication goes beyond words. If you have love and consideration for the other person in your heart, even a glance or a gesture can gradually penetrate their heart and open it up.
Some people believe that sex enhances the emotional connection between couples, but this isn't necessarily true. If you demand sex while simultaneously complaining that it doesn't meet your expectations, leading to dissatisfaction during sexual encounters, how can sexual life be harmonious and happy? Furthermore, sexual desire arises naturally from physical needs. If you engage in sex for specific reasons or follow a rigid schedule of how often you should have sex each month, you lose the intrinsic value of lovemaking, making it hard to achieve desired effects. Therefore, to enjoy sex, one must first learn to communicate, recognize, appreciate, respect, and accept the partner with whom you share sexual intimacy.
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