As the autumn wind rises and snow precedes it, the winter of 2009 squeezed itself into our already pale lives without any warning. Loneliness and emptiness suddenly became more prevalent than the dazzling snowfall. We are part of the white-collar workforce, and also the loneliest group of post-80s. We haven't joined the ranks of panicked "leftover women," nor do we possess the bold and fearless momentum of the post-90s generation. All we can do is hug our pillows and curse from under our covers about a certain handsome guy in the neighboring office for lacking vision, as the woman by his side might not even be one-tenth as good as ourselves. Unfortunately, in this society, men with vision are always so few.
A computer is a necessity in life, occasionally used for flirtation, occasionally for professing love. Passionately on the internet, we try to warm our cold hearts through the network. It's really winter now; my hands shake while typing. The chilling words sent by the man opposite no longer cause me the illusion of blushing or palpitations. The wind outside howls and beats against the windows, the heart-rending sound of loneliness making me inexplicably afraid.
I wonder, should I find a man?
Touching my own icy hands, I recklessly flood forums with posts. I don't want to lose my dignity, but neither do I wish to give up the pleasure of teasing handsome men. This game of loneliness, who will co-star with me?
I remember games I haven't played for a long time, and those playmates who once gave me promises. Suddenly, I think, maybe I really can find someone to spend this long winter with. Logging into World of Warcraft, I've always felt that games are actually lonelier than women. After NetEase took over Warcraft, I don't know how many players have left. But, this has nothing to do with me, nor with this winter.
In games, women are always popular. However, I rejected others' offers to guide me, their requests for video chats, and even their gifts of equipment. I think the only thing that could make me feel consoled this winter is that I wield my knife repeatedly to defeat those little monsters, or I get killed repeatedly by those high-level monsters. I've never been so excited before. The strength born out of loneliness and stubbornness finally found its outlet.
I've never thought of myself as arrogant, but I detest the feeling of getting something for nothing. I enjoy the super thrill that games bring me, which is more pleasurable than men.
But when those higher-level players kill me again and again, and I watch myself lying helplessly in front of them, I suddenly feel an overwhelming hatred. These men, after being rejected by me, retaliate like this—what a bunch of tasteless jerks.
Do you think being a high level makes you so great? Isn't it just about having better equipment? Screw that, sister can do it too. I bought 100,000 game coins from a Love Gold website and got them within fifteen minutes. I immediately upgraded my equipment and even hired a man to specifically teach me how to play. Surprisingly, in just a week, my level increased to sixty. Let's see if they dare to instantly kill me now.
However, such happiness is always short-lived, and the weather gets colder. I sit on the bed hugging my laptop, still trembling all over. After the intense excitement from gaming fades away, there's endless emptiness. Looking at the monsters I've killed, I feel a wave of sadness.
Women, ultimately are women. I think, my biggest wish this winter is still to find a man to warm my bed, to hold me every night, say good morning to me when I wake up, criticize my gaming skills, and eat the dishes I don't like without complaint.
It's so cold, and I am so lonely.
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[Links to various Chinese online forum discussions]