1. While my classmate went to take a shower, I changed the phone number of his girlfriend in his mobile phone into mine. At night, I sent him a text message on bed: "Husband, I am pregnant". Then that guy suddenly turned over and got out of bed, smoked up a whole pack of cigarettes, and borrowed money from roommates...
2. Today is Valentine's Day. A girl I have secretly loved for a long time called me: "Come to my house, no one's here!" I excitedly ran there!!!!!! After knocking on the door for more than an hour, I found that there was really no one...
3. During class, a female classmate passed me a note. After reading its content, I really wanted to beat her. It read: "Are you there?"
4. When all the family were watching Hunan TV's costume drama, I suddenly asked my father in a very silly way: Dad, why do I call you Dad? My father weakly replied: You can also call me Ama (Chinese equivalent of father in Manchu language).
5. A friend recently bought a car and took us out for a ride. Another friend appeared with his sister, and the following dialogue occurred:
Girl: Brother, your friend drives pretty steadily.
Boy: Yes. Look, another bike has passed by.
6. One day, the younger sister walked into the older brother's room.
Sister: "Brother, take off my pajamas, will you?" The brother did as she asked.
The sister said again: "Take off my bra!" The brother did as she asked again.
The sister said once more: "Finally, take off my underwear!" After the brother did so, the sister picked up the clothes and said: "Don't wear my clothes anymore! Pervert!!!"
7. One day, a friend who had been stuck in traffic for hours in Beijing could no longer bear it. He furiously opened the car door, pulled open the trunk, and took out a long wooden stick. All the people stuck in traffic looked at him in surprise. He cursed while smashing a snail on the ground into pieces, saying: "Just see if you dare to track me!"
8. Reporter: Uncle, if you have ten acres of land, would you be willing to give half of the harvest to the Party?
Uncle: Yes.
Reporter: If you have two villas, would you be willing to give one villa to the Party?
Uncle: Yes.
Reporter: What about two cars?
Uncle: Yes.
Reporter: If you win a million yuan lottery prize?
Uncle: Yes.
Reporter: If you have two cows?
Uncle: No...
Reporter: Why are you willing to give the land, villa, car, and prize, but not the cows?
Uncle: Because I really have two cows!
9. The handsome guy across the street wastes too much when eating noodles. He just ate a few bites and left. So I righteously poured that bowl of noodles to a stray cat that looked hungry on the roadside. After a while, the handsome guy came back with a bottle of water in his hand. He suspiciously looked at the empty bowl... At that moment, I just wanted to be a passerby who kept my head down and ate noodles...
10. There was a female colleague in the company. Her QQ signature a while ago was 5.05 6.10 7.12 8.18 9.23 (). We studied it again and again, but couldn't figure it out. We sent it to the math genius in the company, and he couldn't solve it either. In the end, we had to ask her: "What is the number in the parentheses?" The female colleague replied: "I don't know, it hasn't come yet."
11. In the morning, after getting up, my husband turned over, and the quilt wrapped him up, rolling several layers.
I looked at him continuing to sleep soundly, thinking he was cute, like a sushi waiting to be cut.
Then I tied this big roll around the waist with his belt, and then went to work.
At 4 o'clock in the afternoon, I came back, and saw my husband still lying in bed in the shape of the sushi waiting to be cut in the morning, only the angle was a little different, and he looked at me with a resentful gaze.
He said: Not being hungry all day was not the key, and turning off the air conditioner when I left and almost roasted him was not the key, and how to explain to the unit the next day that I didn't go to work and didn't answer the phone was not the key,
The key is: right opposite the bed is the wardrobe with a mirror, and he thought it was funny to look at himself in the mirror. When he laughed loudly, he couldn't hold his urine...
12. Someone posted asking: "I fell in love with a bank counter girl, what's a good way to pursue her?"
Reply post: "Go deposit money and leave the passbook behind, she will call you..."
Bank girl: "Hey... your passbook!!!"
LZ (Original Poster) turns back with a smile: "It's your passbook!!!"
In junior high school, the school was close to home, and every short holiday I walked home.
13. One winter vacation, I was walking home alone and inadvertently saw an eagle flying in the sky.
That day I wore an outerwear with a large white collar made of imitation rabbit fur. The moment I caught sight of the eagle, I wondered if it would mistake my collar for a big rabbit and fly down to grab me?
So I decisively hid in a secluded corner and stood in the biting cold wind for nearly half an hour... During these half an hour, I occasionally peeked out with one eye to secretly check if the eagle was still there, in... in... in... still there...
All the time, until I finally discovered something strange, so I bravely observed the eagle for a while,
Then... muttered a curse:
"You freak, putting up a kite shaped like a big-headed ghost in such cold weather."
14. One day I had a stomachache, rushed to the toilet, and after pulling down my pants, I strained for a long time, and then let out a loud fart.
Then I heard the guy in the adjacent stall say: "Shit......"
When I finished and was about to leave, that guy said: Do you have any more tissue? I dropped mine in the hole because of your scare!
15. In the morning, I took the subway to work, and it was extremely crowded!
Next to me was a very cute girl sending text messages. I accidentally glanced at her and saw that she wrote: "There are many people on the bus today, very crowded"
After a while, I remembered something and laughed to myself a few times. After a while, I accidentally looked back and saw that this girl continued to write: "There is also a fool standing next to me"
16. In the fourth year of university, after finishing self-study one day, I thought the person walking in front of me was my roommate, so I quietly ran up and kicked his butt hard, shouting: "You actually came to self-study?!" That person rubbed his butt and looked at me pitifully, trembling and said: "Yes. I'm a freshman, I won't dare to..."
After staring at each other for a few seconds, I was hesitating how to apologize, and that person answered: "Big brother, I won't do it again..."
17. Once in class, a student was very hungry, so he soaked instant noodles. To avoid being noticed by the teacher, he stood up books and buried his head, but the steam still rose. The teacher calmly said a sentence: "Which student is so absorbed in reading that they've gone crazy?"
18. My girlfriend said that since I didn't chase her much before, she felt she lost out, so she wanted to break up and let me chase her again, and I agreed. Then, there was nothing after that. Deceiving someone to break up shouldn't be played like this.
19. Today I went to the school supermarket to buy things. When checking out, isn't it supposed to scan the barcode and make a "beep" sound? The boiled egg I bought just wouldn't scan... I don't know what I was thinking at the time... Then this sentence popped out unconsciously: "Beep!~~~" Everyone froze on the spot~~~
20. The total area of the intestine is 200 square meters, our house is not as big as where the poop lives, it's better to be poop, life is worse than poop~
21. When I was young, the teacher told me: There is a diligent little man and a lazy little man inside everyone's body. When you hesitate, they fight. In elementary school, the diligent little man often beat the lazy little man to pieces. In junior high school, they fought to a draw. By high school, it was the lazy little man who often won. But when I got to college, I suddenly found that they stopped fighting. Damn, the diligent little man was beaten to death.
22. He met a seductive and wealthy woman, and was completely infatuated with her. He quit his job, betrayed his fiancée, and eloped with this woman. On the plane, the woman asked him, "Do you remember the buck-toothed girl you humiliated in middle school?" He was startled, and the more he looked at this woman, the more familiar she seemed. "Is it you?" he asked. The woman shook her head and sneered, "Thanks to you, she committed suicide after graduating from middle school." He was shocked, "Then who are you...?" The woman grinned evilly, "I'm her brother."
23. He was worth tens of millions, owned countless luxury cars, a private luxurious restaurant, and a modern ranch. Since losing his QQ account, he has become penniless.
24. Whenever he had free time, he folded heart-shaped origami paper, and gave them to her whenever he saw her. How long has this habit lasted? He himself wasn't quite sure. Suddenly, one day, she said on the phone: "Today a scrap paper collector came, I asked for the price, and then I sold all the heart-shaped origami paper you gave me..." She paused for a moment, "It was exactly nine yuan, dress up later, let's go to the Civil Affairs Bureau to get married."
For a touching one...
25. At the age of 3, he said "Mom, I love you." At 10, he said "Mom, I'll listen to you." At 16, he said "My mom is really annoying." At 18, he said "I want to leave home." At 25, he said "Mom, you were right back then." At 30, he said "I want to go to my mom's house." At 50, he said "I don't want to lose my mom." At 70, he said "As long as my mom is still here, I would give up everything for her."