You may detest it, but flowers strive to bloom. The black before your eyes is not truly black, and the white you speak of, what kind of white is it?
January 28, 2012, 15:14:00 | Category: Quiet Girl's Drawer #| Tags: | Font Size Large Medium Small Subscription
It's 2012 now, isn't it? Hehe, it seems like I'm the only one still living in some unknown year or month. Days fly by one after another.
In 2011, I finished high school and entered a university that wasn't so great.
In 2011, I bid farewell to my cousin, grandfather, Mr. Han Yajin, and also grandpa...
In 2011, I left the small town where I had lived for over a decade and went to a bustling city. My old friends scattered to all directions; the closest ones were still striving in the small town. Whenever I thought of them, they were all working hard, and I didn't dare to disturb them. I've made new friends too, but although I think they're good, there's no such rapport. Many times I wanted to make a joke but didn't dare to, or I wanted to have a heartfelt conversation, but I didn't know if they could handle it. Neither did I know if they could bear it, so I gave up. There were many happy and unhappy moments, a mix of joy and sorrow.
In the first semester of senior three, my sister got married, and so did my cousin. I even had a real niece. I didn't go myself. I don't know if I have the courage to accept it, or if I have the ability to face it. It's silly, isn't it, not being able to accept such a small thing. My younger brother took a two-year break from school and suddenly decided to attend a coal school. No one believed in him, including me. I really hoped and wished he would study seriously, even though he skipped junior high school to attend a high-level coal school. Still, I deceived both him and myself, saying he could catch up as long as he worked hard, asking classmates and teachers when he didn't understand. Because he's different from them, having worked hard in society for two years, he understands how precious learning is and knows how to cherish it. Later, when I finished the first semester of senior three, my father said my brother had quit early and went back to work. My father said, my brother will always be like this, unable to stick with anything. I can't deny it, nor do I know what happened in between. I won't ask either, because I'll get three different versions from my father, mother, and brother, trying to figure out whose version is more credible takes a lot of brainpower, because what they say is both right and wrong. Whatever.
After I entered senior three, there were people at home again, probably thinking this was a crucial time for me. My parents would still quarrel fiercely about everything, regardless of whether it was good or bad, big or small, it all became an issue. I came home once every half a month. Should I feel fortunate that I don't have to see the war every day, or should I feel sad that before senior three, there was only me and my echo at home, which never bothered me. Haha, I should still thank them. After all, arguments at least mean there's vitality, not so boring and lonely anymore.
Grandpa passed away, and on rest days, I visited grandma. Her loneliness was palpable. Perhaps she thought having an unambitious old man to worry about was better than nothing. During that period, the homeroom teacher was very strict about attendance, not wanting anyone to take leave. My parents didn't want me to go back either, fearing it might affect my studies. But that day, there was a heavy snowfall. I didn't participate in grandpa's funeral, and I couldn't focus on studying that day, secretly crying twice. Was I heartless? Haha, my aunt-in-law said so. She said grandpa loved me the most, but I was the most heartless one, and neither did my sister go (her child was only two or three months old, far away). She said grandpa's soul was restless, his clothes caught fire on the day of the burial, and my father almost had a car accident on the way there. In short, there were many ominous signs. I don't know why, but after her words, I felt I didn't even have the qualification to cry. I folded a lot of paper ingots for grandpa by hand, not knowing if he would forgive me. Often, when I think of grandpa and grandma, I dare not delve deeper, fearing they wouldn't forgive me, fearing they would blame me. I must be a terrible person, right?
Then, while grandpa was still alive, I hurried to see him, listening quietly no matter how long he talked about the past... making up for my shortcomings and mistakes.
Perhaps wasting time has become a habit, and I peeled off precious time piece by piece. Not that I haven't made study plans, dragging along a group to do it together, but it always ends up unresolved. Falling into decadence is deeply rooted, choosing me as such a good host, blaming each other, satisfying each other. I don't know what made me choose science instead of arts, even though I love literature. Justifying it by saying it leads to more opportunities. Anyway, whichever I choose, I'll regret it later, so it doesn't matter. Oddly enough, heaven foresaw that I'd regret it and stubbornly refuse to switch from science to arts, isn't that funny? I think so too. Except for Chinese and English in senior three, I learned nothing else, or perhaps I couldn't learn it. Chinese would rank among the top nine in class, math among the bottom nine, English among the top eleven, and comprehensive sciences among the bottom eleven. How funny, how symmetrical the rankings are.
At the start of senior three, I sat next to Wu**, who undoubtedly treated me well, but too well. I don't like someone treating me overly well. If it gets to the point where there's no distance, then rest assured, I am quite extreme, becoming stranger than ever. Why torment yourself? I got along well with You* in the second semester of senior two, but our relationship broke down in senior three. I can't deny I had issues, but enduring someone the whole class can't endure for a whole semester is already quite long, isn't it? Maybe it's me with the problem, otherwise why would my preferences differ so much from everyone else's? Then we became strangers. With Zhou*, we became as ordinary as could be. Sometimes I envied *Ying and Wen**. *Yang remains the same, always getting along well with everyone. Probably except for me, no one can provoke him and walk away unscathed. Little Ye writes a poem every day, then eagerly runs over for me to appraise it. Brother Yu bows to me and calls me "sister" at any time, asking me to give him support. Haha, I can only boost his confidence. Pan* is a good seatmate. Sometimes I think about how crazy I was, because I'm usually very reserved, yet I played very high with him, high enough to annoy others. Afterwards, I became more restrained, like a hedgehog, pricking him and hurting myself, then becoming very ordinary. Thinking back on those days now, I really felt very happy, but it will never come again. I deeply regret injuring others at that time, otherwise things wouldn't have turned out this way. Now I can't describe what I feel towards him. Carefully thinking about it, Xiao Yang and I got used to each other during senior three. We would sit on the grass to listen to English after exercises, sitting together and comparing answers, gradually getting used to each other. Actually, we met in junior three. Back then, he was in the neighboring class studying very hard, but his grades were just average, that was my first impression of him. Later on, it was just that, sometimes familiar, sometimes not. Mainly because he's not a settled person, he flirts with everyone, gets along with everyone, making us seem quite familiar. He flirts with me, and I don't hold back with my mouth, and when necessary, my foot extends. Anyway, I don't lose. Haha, there was once when I intended to kick him, but he changed his leg position and ended up kneeling after I stepped on him. Laughing, I quickly helped him up and apologized, but in others' eyes, I became very violent and fierce. Haha, thinking about it now, it's still funny. Actually, he's neither good nor bad, just okay. Then there's Ma, sharing the dormitory, eating meals together every day, and gradually getting closer. Xu*, we had a lot of fun, she always makes people happy, with her I became less lifeless. Lu, I drag her to do a lot of things, we talk a lot to each other, very warm.
In the second semester of senior three until two months before the end, I started to panic, began to fear, but still couldn't break free from my own constraints. Having sunk so deep for so long, even if there's improvement, it's only a little bit, far from reaching the line. I had already planned to retake the year, but surprisingly, I reached the line, and even exceeded by 12 points. Can I say it's heaven's favor? Happening to make the exam questions easier, or the questions happening to be ones I knew? After hesitating for a while, I still chose to go. Even though the school I applied to wasn't entirely satisfactory. Or, I feared I wouldn't have the courage to retake the year, which isn't unreasonable either.
The three-month holiday flew by, but it wasn't very joyful. Being sick for over 20 days, ten days before and after grandpa's passing, staying at relatives' houses one after another. They let me stay, honestly speaking, I don't know if they really cared about me, anyway, I didn't feel comfortable, and I couldn't refuse, feeling quite suppressed. Beating walnuts in the village with my parents, plus many from relatives' houses, it nearly killed us or at least peeled off a layer of skin. Grandpa passed away relatively peacefully, 87 years old isn't a bad age, right? Each of his three sons' families stayed with him for a month during his illness, sparing him much suffering. I personally watched as my uncles placed grandpa into the square wooden coffin, tightening my heart, realizing he was gone forever. I lay on the coffin for a long time, and after it was closed, I climbed onto the roof, covering my mouth and sobbing, mixing tears with mud into my mouth. Auntie Two criticized my behavior of lying there watching, saying that I didn't watch when he was alive, why stare at him when he's dead, pretending to care. On what basis does she say I didn't watch when he was alive, and how dare she insult my feelings for grandpa. Who has done what for grandpa, grandpa knows better than anyone. But I still felt unjustifiably wronged, silently telling myself, from today on, I hate you. Feeling wronged and unwilling, tears flowed repeatedly. If grandpa were still here, would he allow her to say such things about me? Truly feeling she's despicable, all the resentment I've held against her for betraying trust resurfaced. Clenching my teeth, determined to hate her. But the next day, all anger dissipated, after all, she's family. Ultimately, I'm too weak, unable to maintain hatred for even a day. How laughable my actions are, deserving to be bullied. When it truly came to grandpa's burial, not a single tear came out, I just couldn't cry.
On the day of enrollment, my uncle and father sent me. Watching the prosperity and noise of the big city from the car, I suddenly became afraid, inexplicably panicked. Registration was a complicated process, but with help from seniors in their second year, though chaotic, it was better than doing it alone. After seeing where my younger brother worked, they returned. There was no particular attachment or detachment, just an unfamiliarity with the new place. The dormitory was small and narrow, others had finished tidying up with their families and went out shopping. Walking around the campus didn't take long, showing how tiny the school was. It was also quite shabby. Honestly, it wasn't even one-tenth as good as my high school. What ivory tower? Though I hadn't imagined it to be extraordinarily splendid, it wasn't supposed to be this bad. A huge gap. The senior said, our school might not look luxurious on the outside, but the academic atmosphere is great, with a high postgraduate entrance rate. Hmm~` Is she comforting me, or herself?
During self-introductions in the dormitory, fortunately, one bedmate didn't show up, one was from Northeast China, and the rest were from Shanxi Province, all from the same city. Though not the same county, it still felt quite close. Just that, each other's dialects weren't compatible, incomprehensible. Everyone called home at night, chattering away, none understandable. I had nothing to say, naturally not calling home. Without any trouble sleeping in new beds, I tried to sleep, but the newly issued bedding smelled strongly, keeping me awake. Dozing off, I woke up startled by sounds of trains, planes, and cannons. On the second day, at six in the morning, we measured blood pressure and chest scans, finding a long queue already formed. Standing for over two hours, finally finishing everything. After eating, we collected books. It must be said that the counselor was very unlucky, handling such a simple matter until almost two o'clock in the afternoon, and still not perfectly. There were pitifully few boys, twelve in the department, two in the class, then the girls carried all the books back. Very dissatisfied indeed. No environment, no boys, nothing to do but study, no wonder the academic atmosphere is good. Definitely forced.
Military training lasted over ten days, the drillmaster tried to relax us, but we were still exhausted all over. Eleven-hour training sessions daily, tough. The drillmaster was 22 years old, looking rather scholarly, fond of playing and joking around with everyone. Those in front and back were fine, but those on the sides were problematic, walking in sync, out of rhythm with everyone else, swaying left and right, causing pain in my hands. Quite embarrassing incidents happened during military training, I collided several times. But it was acceptable. Many military songs were taught, as well as a few moves of martial arts boxing. After over ten days of interaction, not having developed feelings would be false. When the formation performance ended, "The Day I Leave the Army" played mournfully, a song that moved me not a bit each day, suddenly struck a chord in my heart. Surrounding classmates were already sobbing uncontrollably, my eyes slowly blurring, tears sliding down. This scene truly resembled the picture painted in the song. The drillmaster smiled and got on the vehicle, driving away. Then came a few days of college safety education, followed by National Day, returning home. First time taking a train.
After formal classes began, I realized college was just that. In high school, the dormitory was just a place to sleep, now it's where I spend most of my time outside of class. Meal times were earlier than in high school, fortunately, the school wasn't in the city center, so the food wasn't too expensive. Every teacher had their own characteristics, the higher mathematics teacher lectured very seriously, holding office hours twice a week to answer student questions, of course, he was a bit of a childishly playful type, making the classroom relatively lively. The inorganic chemistry teacher lectured at a fast pace, notes couldn't keep up, lectures couldn't be understood, attending her class everyone was on edge, fearing to be questioned and scolded. The English teacher, we barely saw her all semester, her daughter substituted for her for the first month, her husband for the last two months, so it was an English family. The audio-visual and oral communication teacher spoke pure English from their era, incorrect pronunciation made listeners uncomfortable, combined with the stiffness of teachers from their era, no one liked her class, yet she lectured enthusiastically, occasionally questioning students one by one. The moral cultivation teacher was petite, and the class was taught cleverly. The military theory teacher had undergone many military experiences, yet had a bit of self-boasting, though he indeed had reasons to be proud, humility helps progress, doesn't it? At the start of class, "Welcome to the military theory classroom," then thunderous applause was required, at the end of class, "Today's military theory class concludes," requiring thunderous applause again. Seats were arranged neatly, he said, if anyone didn't come, he could spot it at a glance, saving roll call. Dizzying stuff. Even dizzier, he liked red, so he only questioned students wearing red, how lucky I was not to have any red clothes.. Most dizzying was his fanatic admiration for Mao Zedong, the Mao Zedong military ideology wasn't finished teaching in a whole semester. End-of-term exam essay—Contemporary College Students' Historical Responsibility—The Influence of Mao Zedong Military Ideology on Me. Know his name? Duan Weidong. He asked what it meant? Everyone said, protect Mao Zedong. Wrong, it should be exercise well, protect Mao Zedong. Physical education teacher was alright, I chose volleyball class, not too difficult, the dreaded 800 meters I didn't pass, the teacher said, running is for physical exercise. Haha, great. Form and policy teacher only had four classes altogether, not much content was covered, every time it was near the end of class, then everyone was told to hurry up and memorize. Yet we knew his family members, relatives, even their preferences, what they ate every day, where the cabbage was stored, etc., clearly. Computer teacher was pretty good, he taught seriously, I listened seriously, sitting in the first row surrounded by empty seats. Fortunately, I had listened a bit in high school, so learning wasn't hard and I could finish homework quickly each time. He had a good impression of me and greeted me, haha, felt great.
Two inorganic experiment teachers, one was very responsible but verbally sharp, scolding people harshly, the other neither cared nor was responsible, hence didn't scold people.
Living with roommates for a longer time, relationships improved, overall quite decent. From eldest sister to youngest seven, personalities varied greatly. Eldest sister was the study committee member of the class, also our dorm leader, always busy with numerous tasks. Every notification was remembered by everyone except herself. A bit like a housekeeper older sister or auntie, constantly nagging, making one both annoyed and distant. Occasionally, she seemed quite speechless. Best figure, smiling looked quite attractive. However, somewhat hypocritical, and scheming. Second sister was chubby and short, yet extremely beautiful, having her own character, quite easy to get along with. Of course, she's taken. Feeling good. Third sister was in the same class and dorm as second sister in high school, both failed the college entrance exam and retook the year, not in the same place. But fate brought them together, both reporting to the same school, class, and dorm. Third sister was introverted, a typical refined young lady, resembling a classmate from my elementary school. Fourth sister, how to put it, a proactive person, wanting to participate in everything, trying her best to do well, willing to help others, but too responsible, others pushed tasks onto her. She also pondered the implications of everything, including profound reflections after watching TV dramas. Hmm, usually people don't think that way. Everything was chosen by her brother, yet she considered herself grown-up, thinking her elder sister was childish. Fifth is me, universally recognized as a sharp-tongued person, everyone dragged me to participate in debates, but I refused. Then they said it was a waste of my eloquence. Sixth, actually fifth in her family, with four elder sisters and one younger brother. Initially, I found her compatibility exceptionally high, feeling like we could fit together everywhere, similar personalities. Then we spent time together daily, but over time, I realized there were many differences. Sometimes disliking was due to caring. Seventh, a lively, open, generous, and pure Northeast girl, an only child pampered by her parents, unable to manage many daily life tasks, but when it came to socializing and fitting in anywhere, she excelled, capable of handling anything. Everyone participated in various clubs and student unions, busily enjoying themselves. Of course, except for me. I lacked interest, severely. Whenever they were overwhelmed with work, they would say they should have followed my example. Indeed, the gains were within, only they knew.
Classmates, ultimately, the closest ones were from our own dorm. Others were just so-so, relationships quite indifferent. During military training, our class was split apart, so the bonds were with other classes, and later there was no chance to interact. Two male classmates, one was forcibly assigned as the class president by the counselor, did a poor job, everyone urged him to step down, and he didn't want to continue either. The other was like me, not participating in any activities, but he dedicated the saved time to studying, quite diligent. Unlike me, who contributed time to novels and sleep. Strangely, how could such a diligent person fail in computer science? Group activity days rotated through dorms, meaningless, nothing substantial could be achieved. The two male classmates lacked masculinity, hopefully not influenced. Counselor said it was his first year, obvious from his clumsy handling of affairs. Also a teacher, lacking basic teacher qualities, not knowing something and still talking nonsense, making students feel cold-hearted.
At first, Sundays were spent visiting classmates in other universities, wandering around the streets, newcomers sticking to old classmates. Later, it felt meaningless, so I slept instead. Our dorm was actually quite lazy, one surpassing the other. Not putting effort into studying, reading novels, watching movies, sleeping, too lazy to eat meals, eating instant noodles daily. Studying individually, each glued to their phone reading novels or chatting. By the end of term exams, everyone got nervous. Our schedule was one day of exams, one day off. When other dorms reviewed and relaxed, ours prepared a day in advance, waking up early, skipping meals, studying from morning till midnight 12, intensely preparing for the next day's exam. Extremely high efficiency. Finally, everyone said, if we could have been half as diligent throughout the year as we were during these two days of exams, nothing would have been a problem. Then we laughed heartily at each other. Everyone knew it wouldn't happen.
University life isn't long,