"I promised you that I would be happy forever." It seems like you've moved on from her shadow and started a new life. Just like a train, moving from one station to the next, and I was just a fleeting scenery, a transient traveler who didn't have the qualification to make you stay for me.
Part 1
In the snowstorm of 2008 in the south, the rescue team pulled you out of the ruins, and I was the medical staff responsible for you. I put the oxygen mask on you, I placed you on the stretcher, I performed CPR on you, I disinfected your wounds.
I remember you, the creative idea for the advertising poem I submitted to your ad company, you were the only one who appreciated me. I was at a loss for words in the audience, although we had only met once, although I knew you had already forgotten me, but this gratitude of recognition I must repay. So when there was no B-type blood for boots, I voluntarily offered to give it to you. Giving too much left me physically drained, losing consciousness momentarily as my colleagues helped me rest aside. In those few minutes, everything was set in stone.
The first person you saw when you woke up was her. You couldn't speak or move, you just looked happily at the person in front of you, believing she was the angel who pulled you back from the brink of death. She sat by your bedside, her head down, casually flipping through a book, a strand of hair falling down her forehead, swaying with her light breathing, like a willow branch sprouting new shoots, beautiful and lively, beautifully delicate, not needing excessive embellishment, fearing disturbing this purity. Years later, this picture became the creative idea in an advertisement that made you famous both domestically and internationally, almost becoming your mark. You later always wanted her to tell you the name of that book, but she wouldn't say.
She just didn't remember, nor did she need to remember. It was mine from when I kept watch, Wilde's poetry collection "If You Love Me More" If you love me more. Despite returning quickly to take over her shift, it was all too late. I knew it was too late. Your heart had already been completely taken away by her. From now on, everyone except her is a stranger to you, anything unrelated to her is unimportant.
When the rescue operation ended and we withdrew, you and she were already inseparable, together like glue.
You said you know she has a fiancé, but you believe your true love can overcome everything, prejudices are just meaningless rules, you two will definitely be happy.
It's hard to say whether you're too optimistic or unlucky. Two months after she returned to T city, she lost contact with you. She asked me to tell you not to look for her anymore, she's preparing to get her marriage certificate with her fiancé within the year.
You wouldn't let go, trying every way to have me arrange one last meeting with her. You talked about your loving past, how you held each other’s softest temperature in the first ray of sunlight on top of the mountain, how you rewrote the romance of the broken bridge umbrella in the West Lake, how you asked old craftsmen in luxury stores to create custom rings unique to you two.
I watched you sitting across from me spew those sentences, on a wooden round table with two cups of iced mocha, water droplets sliding down the green cup walls, soaking a large part of the napkin nearby. That straw I folded into a star and then unfolded repeatedly until you finished talking, leaving the straw unrecognizable. Who played Corrinne May's song at this time? This song I've heard before. They say it's the voice of an angel, so can it take me away from here?
What child is this, who, laid to rest
on Mary's lap, is sleeping?
Whom angels greet with anthems sweet,
while shepherds watch are keeping?
This, this is Christ the King,
whom shepherds guard and angels sing:
Haste, haste to bring him laud,
the babe, the son of Mary!
Why lies he in such mean estate,
where ox and ass are feeding?
Good Christians, fear, for sinners here
the silent word is pleading.
Nails, spear shall pierce him through,
the cross be borne for me, for you.
Hail, hail the Word made flesh,
the babe, the son of Mary.
So bring him incense, gold, and myrrh,
come peasant king to own him,
the king of kings, salvation brings,
let loving hearts enthrone him.
Raise, raise the song on high,
the virgin sings her lullaby:
Joy, joy, for Christ is born,
the babe, the son of Mary!
Part 2
The cruise to Saipan Island could be considered luxurious, there's only one, and I had no choice.
I'm a bit seasick, unable to sleep, I went to the deck at night to blow wind. The cool sea breeze carries kindness and peace, I wore that violet dress, the hem brushed against my skin, the silk fabric, comfortable to the extreme.
The night sea is like an elder, you have to be as quiet as him to understand his inner voice. The seawater is a deep black, reflecting stars from several light-years away, emitting a lazy shimmer.
Walking through the green fields
Sunshine in my eyes
I’m still there everywhere
I’m the dust in the wind
I’m the star in the northern sky
I never stayed anywhere
I’m the wind in the trees
Would you wait for me forever?
It's your voice, getting closer and closer, walking step by step behind me. I can feel your breath, you embrace me, using your neck to press against my cheek.
You continued singing that forever
and I softly harmonized along.
"In the beginning of the year, I heard this song on a colleague's phone, it felt so familiar, even though I hadn't listened to it before, I could hum along. Turns out you also know it."
You looked down at my face, the gentle gaze instantly replaced by fear, pushing me away abruptly: "It's you, sorry, it's too dark, I mistook."
"Can't you be wrong for a little longer?"
"Sorry, she's still waiting for me."
Later, there was no chance to tell you, this song was what I taught you, during your coma, I sang it to you constantly.
Would you wait for me forever?
That's the difference between love and non-love.
For her, even if it means going through fire and water, there's no second thought; for me, even staying for a second feels too long.
Xi Murong says, refusal is one of the three major temptations in the world. Unfortunately, it takes someone of enough weight to make it effective.
You said, let's be together, you said this when you just received her group message saying they'd get their marriage certificate the next day. I think this is extremely disgraceful, why not wait until the next day when everything is settled before sending it? Is this giving those who still love her one last chance to keep her? Causing a commotion at the Civil Affairs Bureau the next day? Or showing off her captivating charm, able to capture so many men's hearts, gaining satisfaction from it?
That was the only time I stopped you from rushing to her, the only time I tore off the mask with you.
"She's really good, after playing with you, she leaves a lifelong mark in your heart, one you can't erase, can't escape from. Even if she gets married, has children, divorces, grows old, becomes fat, becomes ugly, as long as you haven't gotten her, you can't let her go, you can't live without her."
"What are you talking about, she's your friend, how dare you say that about her."
"I don't have friends like that, never have. How dare you call her that? Haven't you checked her Facebook? There are countless male friends similar to your situation, aren't you afraid to look?"
"I'm not as boring as you, move aside."
At 3 am, with a face full of injuries, you returned to the apartment listlessly. I opened the medicine box, you suddenly grabbed my hand and said, why don't we be together? I know you like me, why refuse me if you like me? Anyway, you're single too, all your colleagues and classmates are married, aren't you afraid of others laughing at you? Do you think you're not worthy of me? No problem, I don't mind, make do, close one eye and open the other, if you don't know how to apply makeup, don't bother, if you don't know how to match clothes, wear work clothes fine, come on, let's go to C's to buy jewelry, she said, for engagement, buy jewelry from C's.
When you said these words, I looked at you, but my thoughts went back to the annual meeting of your company a few years ago. Since you adopted my creative idea into your advertisement, I had the chance to see you summarize at the annual meeting. The article was clear, the diction powerful, the writing talent overflowing, sincere and simple speeches won applause. During the banquet, you were like a fish in water, maneuvering effortlessly. Back then, you were so dazzling, like a guiding star in the night, like a pearl in the deep sea, while I was a speck of dust looking up at you, a bubble, humble while you were noble, short-lived while you were eternal.
If this feeling could last forever, it would also be a luxury.
Before you finished speaking, I poured the whole bottle of iodine on your head and stormed out.
You've never considered my feelings, not a day, not a minute, not a second. All the passion, care, understanding, pity you gave her, you could risk your life to love her, but for me, not even basic respect.
+++++++++++++++++++Below is the updated part++++++++++++++++++++++++++
No, it's not your fault, it's because I didn't show myself worthy of your respect. I'm humble, lowly, I don't know how to express my love for you. I follow the definition of true love in the world, respecting you, caring for you, trusting you, tolerating you, giving you freedom, coming when you call, leaving when you wave, encouraging you when you're down, pointing out your mistakes when you err. I worked so hard, yet I lost you, while she doesn't follow any rules, yet keeps you tightly bound.
Part 3
They say love is enduring patience. But I prefer my father's view. My father asked me, what do you think is the most important quality in a couple's relationship? I said patience, my father said, one person endures, the other needs to understand.
So during the time we were together, those days when winter rain dripped incessantly. Turning on the heater makes it too dry, not turning it on makes it too cold. I would never ask where you went, who you were with, what those invoices from brand-name stores meant. I knew the more I restrained you, the further you would run. I knew I had no right to ask, that you willing to be with me was already a great honor.
"Why are you rummaging through my things?" You and that young lady came to our place, back then we hadn't broken up yet, it was just unsaid. She was messing with your stuff, and she found my acupuncture box. I had never told you I had rheumatoid arthritis, because I knew you had no interest in this, you would think I'm begging for sympathy.
"What are your things? Are you hiding these at home, are you conducting some kind of terrorist activity? Or making voodoo dolls? Ah, so disgusting!" She screamed, kicking the acupuncture box over.
"Pick it up." I glared at her coldly and commanded her firmly.
She squatted down, picked up an acupuncture needle, and forcefully stuck it into my arm, blood gushed out immediately. I didn't pull out the needlehead, instead, I slapped her.
At that moment, you walked in, and she threw herself into your arms, looking pitiful, pointing at me and saying: "She hit me."
"Why did you hit her!"
"Why did she stick me?"
You looked at the blood on my hand, and laughed coldly: "You deserve it."
Isn't it said, only noble people have the qualifications to be by their lover's side? I studied history, literature, religion, philosophy, psychology... Not just to seek higher cultivation, I hoped that one day, when you mentioned something I used to be unfamiliar with, I could easily give answers, so you would find me less boring.
But I forgot, when everyone is despicable, noble people can only be weak. To be noble, one has to sacrifice ordinary emotions. People curse me, bully me, I can't retaliate, I have to endure silently, forgive their materialism. You blame me, hate me, I can only tolerate, understand. And my choice to endure only makes others push harder; my choice to cultivate cannot require others to have the same quality.
And they are different, or rather, the opposite, getting spoiled is natural, they are born cute, everyone should love them, they are like angels and fairies, can only be cherished in the palm of the hand, I am like dust and mud, can only be discarded and drift aimlessly.
Actually, I am no different from them essentially, just different in self-awareness. I understand more, so I feel small and humble, so I am afraid, and choose not to act; they are blindly ignorant, so they feel beautiful and noble, so they are fearless and proud due to favoritism.
Understanding more can only lead to sacrificing more, noble people can only be more fragile. As you step towards the weakness of civilization, you lose the strength of barbarism bit by bit. So Mongol iron cavalry can trample across the entire Eurasian continent, while the spring flowers and autumn moons of the Great Song can only linger in dreams.
Ignorance, how blissful.
As the world deteriorates, only conforming to the corrupt can barely protect oneself.
Not yielding will only become the target of all arrows. I only hope that there is a bright mirror in my heart, always warning myself, this is wrong, they are all wrong, this world is wrong.
Part 4
A few months later, I met you at a teahouse. You said you broke up with that young lady, you still couldn't forget her, the one who saved your life, the one who held a book by your bedside, guarding you overnight. The young lady was just a temporary girlfriend, while she, is a lifetime love.
That day, I had just returned from the celebration banquet at my workplace, I hadn't changed clothes, hadn't removed makeup. That was a very favorite independent designer's styling for me, I was extremely satisfied. I had never thought that I could be so enchanting. But after hearing your words, I felt that the humble and ugly soul in my heart was mercilessly exposed, placed on the flower square under the sun for anyone to cut, feeling the scorching heat, desperate, with no way out.
I remembered when we first got together, once, we agreed to eat at a restaurant that was very hard to get a reservation. I waited from 4 pm until 11 pm, a total of 7 hours. I flipped through all the magazines in the store, drank coffee that had been refilled countless times, until the restaurant closed, I didn't receive a single call or text from you. That night, a typhoon started, the place was too remote, there wasn't even a taxi on the road. I braved the wind and walked home.
After you were with the young lady, I took out the diaries I had written since I met you.
Looking at these words, I felt that it must be my fault.
Love is a great emotion, but I don't know what exactly constitutes love, how to express this great emotion. I can only think about this great and standardless proposition alone. How can I make you understand how much I love you?
I tore them all up, strip by strip, piece by piece.
Love requires a response, one person can't dance a duet alone. Without your response, what significance does what I do and think have? I must tear apart this lonely fragility, this meaningless false twisted love that only I appreciate.
What light is there in this world? You are cold, selfish, heartless, you watch me fall into the abyss, none of you are willing to reach out a hand, instead, you add insult to injury, instead, you intensify the situation; you are hypocritical, you are cruel, you mock my faith, you crush my hope. It's you, you devils, who forced true love into a dead end. Love is dead, but evil lives on.
I failed, yes, there's no true love here anymore, only the poisonous thorns disguised as kindness soaked in malice. I leave this murky place, are you satisfied?
Part 5
The last time we were alone together was a plan in your company, a longevity village health product.
That village was quite ordinary, but every elder lived over a hundred years.
That night, sitting on the mountain top, looking at the lights of the village at the foot of the mountain, I asked you, if you lived to be a hundred, what would you do? You said you would sit on the mountain top watching stars like now, just not with me.
I smiled and said, living that long would be so lonely, living is so lonely.
When I leapt from the mountain top, you were still looking up at the stars. Your profile was still so handsome, and you would never discover that I, who loved you, was always beautiful. I faintly heard echoes from the valley, your voice screaming my name for the first time, and the last time.
Fortunately rescued by the villagers, I stayed in the longevity village, and later, never heard any news about you again.