This is the stuff from my joke book, I've been collecting since sophomore year in high school, and without realizing it, I've accumulated quite a bit. Most of it has something to do with me, there's nothing that can be done about that. Fortunately, I consider myself pretty good at being silly, so without overthinking it, I've posted it here.
Nanchang No.2 High School has more than four thousand students, with nearly twelve hundred in the senior year. There are only sixty-eight of us in our class. Sometimes I think it's really rare that we could all come together. Although many people have left along the way, it hasn't shaken our foundation.
I think, this world has too many Senior Year Class Thirteens, but the Senior Year Class Thirteen made up of all of us is one of a kind.
Haha, that's enough talk.
All rights reserved, no copying allowed. ― Ye Jiayi, Gazi, Ye Xiaogui
Wan Jiajun: Last night, I forgot to turn off the dormitory light. This morning, when the lamp "woke up", I turned it on.
Yu Mingmin: This radar sends electromagnetic waves to cars coming (driving) towards it.
Chen Yajun: There are so many people from our elementary school in our class.
Me (to Zhuang Ziwei): Under no circumstances should you send your kid to Taohua Elementary School!
Zhuang Ziwei (arms crossed): Who wants to have a kid with you!!
You Chaying: Hey, where is the chemistry test paper from Saturday? I can't seem to find it.
Zhou Qi: I don't know either.
Li Chenhui: It's with You Chaying.
Zhuang Ziwei: Is it equal to the square root of eleven?
Me: It doesn't seem so.
Zhuang: If not, go die.
Me: If you tell me to die again, I'll show you what dying looks like!
Me: People may not know me, but I am not upset. Isn't this what a gentleman would do?
Zhuang Ziwei: What infertility and sterility?
Chen Hui: Current, flow, electric current, water flow...
Zuo Haoran: Human flow.
Me: Running wildly~~~
Zhuang Ziwei: Flowing wildly~~~~
(Me bursts out laughing)
Zhuang: Why are you laughing?
Me: I thought I was the only psycho, but now I see there's another one.
Chen Hang: Two sticks stirring the crap have met.
Me: Let's stir your pile of crap together.
Zhuang: Haha, well said.
Chen Hang: What did you say?!
Chen Yajun: How's it going?
Chen Hang: What's it got to do with you?
Chen Yajun: We're on the same boat (bed)!
Chen Hui writes on the blackboard "head for heading towards..."
Me: Chen Yajun heads towards the monster.
Chen Yajun: I head towards Ultraman!
Me: Because you're the monster!
Me: Wang Zhaoren, why are you staring at Chen Hui's butt?
Wang Zhaoren: Then why are you staring at me?
Cheng Hong: Because you look like Chen Hui's butt... Liu Yifei has been rumored to have had sex.
Xiong Yijia: @#%*&…
Wang Zhaoren: @#%*&…
Me: You shouldn’t argue with girls.
Wang Zhaoren: I'm not arguing with girls, I'm arguing with beasts.
Xiong Yijia: So you're calling me beautiful then!
Me: Oily skin doesn't get pimples.
Deng Ke: But oily skin doesn't get freckles either.
Me: You talk as if we have freckles.
Deng: My aunt started getting freckles after she was 40, her skin used to be so good.
Me: Women at forty are like flowers - dried flowers!
Deng Ke: Soldiers must wear military uniforms every day, that's how my dad is.
Zhang Boheng: Your dad isn't good enough.
Me: Do you know how big an official your dad is?
Zhang: How big?
Me: Chairman of the Military Commission!
Deng: …
Zhang Boheng: Is there a division commander?
Deng Ke: Not that big, my dad is only 47 years old.
Zhang: Is your dad in the kitchen crew?
Deng: Kitchen crew captain!
Wan Wengang: Do you know why sister doesn't write on the board? Because it's easy to make oral mistakes and writing mistakes, making our notebooks into correction books. On the day before the college entrance exam: "Take out your notebooks, let's correct errors~"
Wu Xiaoying: We are reviewing, and sister is also reviewing.
Wan Wengang: In a refined manner, boldly, crossing the Yalu River.
Yu Mingmin: Ask your conscience, is this test hard??
Cheng Jun: It's a female.
You Chaying: Why is it so noisy? Spring hasn't even arrived yet, and everywhere there's buzzing.
Yingsheng: What does buzzing have to do with spring?
You Chaying: There are more mosquitoes in the spring.
Mousheng: Winter has come, can spring be far behind?
A modified weekly practice test was handed out in math class.
Chen Hang: Ye Jiayi is amazing.
Me: Don't say anymore!
Chen Hang: Isn't praising you a good thing!
Me: No, criticize me! Ridicule me all you want.
Chen: Truly lowly!
Me: Ridicule my grades, not my character!
Wu Shuan: The grades are truly lowly!
In English class while discussing reading comprehension, Bangladesh came up.
Chen Hui didn't know, Peng Huiyun looked it up.
Peng: Teacher, it's Bangladesh.
Zuo Haoran: Shouldn't Bangladesh start with M?
Chen Hui: That starts with B.
Peng: Yes, it's Bangladesh.
Chen Hang: Bangladesh pretending to be cool.
Chen Hui: Chen Hang, stand at the back.
Zuo Haoran: Stand behind.
Chen: Should be "stand at the back of the classroom."
Zuo: Abbreviation sb.
I leapt down from the podium.
Me: Graceful, right?
Zhang Boheng: Dare to imitate my gracefulness.
I spat blood: Light as a constant.
Zhang Boheng laughed foolishly.
Me: It means extremes lead to their opposites.
Wan Wengang: My dad belongs to the Dragon zodiac, my mom to the Horse.
Me: My dad belongs to the Rabbit, my mom to the Tiger.
Cheng Ziyi: My dad is a dog, my mom is a chicken.
Older lady: You guys learning this way cheapens the efforts of people from smaller places. They originally had to work hard to surpass you, now they don't need to work hard to surpass you.
Wang Jin: Doesn't matter, we're all Chinese.
Me: At our house, we put all kinds of beans in our soy milk, and my mom never removes the pulp, so every time I eat it, my mouth is full of bean pulp.
Chen Yufei: Bean pulp can feed pigs.
Chen Hui: "Reward someone with something," for example, he gave me a smile.
Cheng Hong: He gave me a dirty laugh...
Older lady: This question is very simple, you can calculate it mentally, give it a try.
(Everyone begins mental calculation)
Older lady: Why aren't you using pen and paper??
All: Didn't you ask us to calculate mentally??
Older lady: Why aren't you using pen and paper? Are you all just sitting around doing nothing!
Older lady: Teachers work hard to explain things to you, and you don't listen, blablablabla... You have deserts in your hearts!
All: Calculated mentally!
Older lady: Worked hard calculating up to here, just as you reach your doorstep, you trip and die.
Yu Mingmin: Don't think satellites are mysterious, if I throw him (Wu Shuan) up at 7.9 kilometers per second, he becomes a satellite..
Li Sheng: Cheng Chen's ears are so big, if sold to Juweiflavor, they'd fetch a lot of money.
Cheng Chen: Juweiflavor doesn't sell pig ears. (This is classic.)
Chen Hui: "Reward someone with something," for example, he gave me a smile.
Cheng Hong: He gave me a dirty laugh...
Chen Hui: Let's read the words, I'll read three times and you read once.
Chinese Language Class
Lao Duan: Homesickness becomes more urgent during New Year celebrations, Cheng Jun, translate that.
Cheng Jun: The feelings of the townsfolk...
Zhou Qi (holding several bags of chips): Uh... my chips fell...
Me: During that Spring Festival Gala, the children said, "If you love me, hug me." "If you love me, praise me." "If you love me, kiss me."
Zhou Qi: Last year, it was something about liking you...
Me: I love you so much, do you like me?
Li Sheng: These kids are getting more and more self-absorbed, nastier each year.
Me: Previously Li Sheng said, "If you love me, hug me."
Wan Wengang: And then?
Me: Later, I realized it wasn't "hug me," it was "explode on me"...
Wan Wengang: ...
Wu Jiawen: Blablablabla...
Li Jiahao: Blablablabla...
Zhou Qi: Shhh---
Everyone quieted down.
Zhou Qi: And then??
Wu Shuan: Xu Xueqian doesn't have collarbones~
Xu Xueqian: Who said that, I do!!
Wu Shuan: Where are the collarbones?
Me: They're covered by meat!
Wu Shuan: Where's the meat?
Me: Covering the collarbones!
Yang Huan: What do you think of my signature?
Me: ...Looks like Yang Chicken...
Yang: ...
Me: Why do you want to write your name so well??
Yang: Because names are most important, other characters can be typed on a computer.
Me: You could design an artistic signature.
Yang Huan: That Yang Chicken is the artistic signature...
Me: ...
Lao Duan assigned an essay outline, titled Breaking Out of the Cocoon.
Me: Actually, breaking out of the cocoon and transforming from a caterpillar into a butterfly is quite romantic, but if a disgusting caterpillar turns into a disgusting moth, what's the point of breaking out of the cocoon??
Yang Huan: Actually, the scariest thing is a caterpillar breaking out of the cocoon and turning into a new caterpillar...
Wu Xiaoying: Why do people starve to death?
Me: I think it's more strange that cows starve to death, because if there's no grass, they can drink milk.
Wu Xiaoying + Cai Humin: ...
Cai: So if two cows are together, they won't die, right?
Wu: Too short, can't reach.
Wan Jiajun: There are 66 days left.
Someone: So what?
Cheng Jun: Add a 1 in front.
Me: Add a 1 at the end, 661 days.
Wan: How many years will that be?
Cheng Jun: Until my child is in the same class as me.
Liu Xinyue: What does the mother do?
Me: Earn tuition fees!
Zhou Qi (holding a mirror to himself): The girl inside is so delicate!
Me (taking the mirror and looking): Really!
(We both can't handle ourselves...)
Li Sheng: I've lost six pounds!
Me: Can't tell, can you?
Li Sheng (pouting): Hmmmmmmmmm...
Wu Xiaoying: Internal organs have slimmed down.
Hu Kangmin: Nitric acid has strong oxidizing properties, it can dissolve Ag.
Wan Leifang: If nitric acid is so strong, wouldn't people die if they touch it?
Hu: People won't die if they touch nitric acid, they'll turn yellow!!
Xu Xueqian asks Xiao Lai: Is Fang Zhimin your grandma?
Xu Xueqian asks Xiao Lai again: Is Premier Zhou dead?
Xiao Lai: ...Didn't you learn about the ten-mile street sending off Premier Zhou when you were little...
Xu Xueqian asks Xiao Lai again: Is your father surnamed Fang?
(No culture is truly terrifying!!)
Lao Duan: When we analyze essay topics, we need to extract key sentences first, blablabla, summarize in one sentence: I want you to walk upright, but you insist on crawling sideways, this "I" is a frog--
Li Sheng: Is--
Lao Duan: This "you" is a crab--
Students: Not...
Lao Duan: ...
Wu Xiaoying is twirling her hair.
Me: Wu Xiaoying, when you become a nun in the future, you'll only be able to twirl your body hair!
Wu Xiaoying: ...I can practice while keeping my hair...
Li Sheng: You can shave everything else and leave a tuft of hair to twirl.
Me: How can you do that?
Li Sheng: Oh...no problem, there's still the layman.
Wan Leifang (arguing with Cheng Ziyi): Blablablabla... Oh, accidentally cursed Ye Ga too.
Me: What??
Wan: Oh, it's fine if you didn't hear.
Me: It's fine, you cursed me... no one will believe you anyway...
Wan: I...right now I have an impulse, to pick you up and throw you down.
Me: ...You can throw me down, but you can't pick me up.
Wan: ............
Big Sister: True gold must withstand hammering...
Cheng Ziyi: To break through the yolk membrane.
Me: Xu Xueqian, you dated in elementary school, you even held hands, why didn't you get pregnant?
Xu Xueqian: You want to die.
Me: Oh! I understand now, that fetus was accidentally digested by you! No wonder you're so fat...
Xu Xueqian went crazy...
Li Sheng: I'm 170.
Me: Science comprehensive score??
Li Sheng: ...weight...
Wan Leifang: I'm going to sue you (Cheng Ziyi)! I'm going to take you to court! Judge will be Ye Jiayi!
Me: Hahaha, I'm the judge? The result is predictable.
Wan: You must be impartial!
Me: If I were impartial, the result would be obvious without guessing.
Cheng Ziyi burst out laughing
Me: If I weren't impartial, I'd sentence Wan Lei to death.
Wan: Ah?
Me: If I were impartial, life imprisonment!
Wan: Good!
Cheng: Sentence you! Good for nothing!
Wan Leifang stares at me
Me: Stop looking at me, haven't you heard that five hundred glances in a previous life results in a passing encounter in this one? If you keep looking at me, what if we pass each other in the next life?!
Wan: What are you writing?
Me: I'm writing a joke book.
Wan: Am I in it again??
Me: No. My words are the jokes.
Wan: Oh. (Sighs in relief)
Me: You're the one being joked about--
--END--
It's so long... Luckily, I type pretty fast, but I'm exhausted...