The Girl is Twenty-eight This Year
After the New Year, you will be 28. On the second day of the New Year, while I was washing dishes in the kitchen, my mother mentioned it, and I was afraid that she would continue to say: "Liping's child is already three years old, Liu Min's child has already started kindergarten..." So I hastily wiped my hands and fled from the kitchen.
My father was watching TV in the living room, and my two younger sisters had been called away by their respective boyfriends. The house was cold and quiet, not at all like the festive atmosphere of the New Year. It was precisely the time when I was alone facing my parents. At such times, they either ask me roundabout questions about my recent news or earnestly persuade me not to be picky anymore and just settle down with someone. For my marriage, for me to get married as soon as possible, they have worried a lot, but I am unambitious. I am already 28 this year and still haven't found an object.
A few years ago, my parents could never have imagined that their clever and likable eldest daughter would become an unmarried woman. Since I was young, I have imagined a day when I sit on a high throne like a queen, and a handsome prince kneels before me. Suppose he holds roses and pulls my skirt corner and says: "Ah, dear girl, you are the princess in my heart, you are my queen, please marry me." Who would have thought that I am almost 28 now, and not only has no one proposed to me, but no one has even held my hand. I am eager to get married but can't find a partner. What I do every day is go on blind dates, blind date after blind date. I've almost become a professional blind dater, and finding a partner has once become my second career.
From initially blushing and being nervous during blind dates to becoming numb now, tall, short, fat, thin, handsome, ugly, poor, rich, outgoing, introverted, capable, honest, all kinds of personalities, types, and professions, but there is none suitable for marriage. Among these people, there are those who fancy me, but I don't fancy them; there are those I fancy, but they don't fancy me; and there are those neither of us fancy each other.
I clearly remember that the first time I went on a blind date, I spent three whole hours in front of the mirror getting ready before following my mother to the matchmaker's house, my face red, my heart pounding, and my legs trembling. I walked back and forth on the street in front of the matchmaker's house three times before calming down enough to enter the matchmaker's home and meet the young teacher. Although I didn't fancy his height of less than 175 cm, I was still so nervous that I couldn't handle it. The matchmaker offered the other person a cigarette, and he said no, no. The matchmaker offered me sunflower seeds, and I also said no, no. This incident happened ten years ago, yet I am still going on blind dates. Now, blind dating has become something I am very familiar with. I can receive a call from the matchmaker, not comb my hair, not wash my face, and just go meet someone, then return to work. By evening, when the matchmaker calls to ask how it went, I'll just then remember that I met someone at noon.
People who have introduced me to others think I am picky, but I feel wronged. I don't seek great wealth or a high position, I just want to find someone who shares the same ideals and mutual affection. But even with such a requirement, it is so difficult to find someone. A few years ago, girlfriends who were in the same situation as me found boyfriends through various means and methods, and after inviting me to their wedding feasts, they disappeared one by one. Now, truly, I am the only one left alone. I have become a real stalwart bachelor, without a boyfriend or even a girlfriend. I have visited their homes, but seeing them either sweetly whispering to each other or happily holding their children makes me feel sour, so I don't want to go there anymore. I eagerly look forward to, dream of, and hope for my own fate to come quickly, to have my own family, to have someone who belongs to me. But I wait day after day, year after year, and I am already 28 this year, and I still haven't waited for my fate, leading me to often doubt whether fate actually exists.
A few days ago, I read an article that deeply moved me. The article said that from an economic perspective, emotional issues are also problems of interest balancing. Love and marriage, like other human behaviors, seek tangible benefits and are chosen rationally, conforming to the rational analysis of maximizing economic utility. Furthermore, life is a beautiful product, and God gives us bodies, beauty, wisdom, and time, which are all resources. How these resources are allocated, women should instinctively consider, should economically and carefully calculate their lives.
I feel that if I follow this view, I have already wasted the resources God gave me, and I haven't calculated my life well. Why? Because when girls are in their early twenties, it's the time to find partners, and there are plenty of choices. If I had realized earlier that fate isn't practical and carefully selected, I would definitely have found a good partner. Now that I finally understand these beautiful life ideals, the best choices have already been taken by others. Time has passed, seasons have changed, and I am no longer young, my eyes full of frost. Even if I encounter a good choice now, would it choose me? Anyway, a 28-year-old girl cannot compare with an 18-year-old girl. Younger generations keep coming up, showing off their beauty. Even if I don't grow old, I still will. Although compared to those in their thirties and forties, I am still young, but in the age group for finding partners, I am absolutely part of the older generation and do not have an advantage.
No matter how excellent my inner qualities are, compared to the tender 18-year-old me, how rich I am in implicit beauty, sound beauty, and inner beauty, old bulls like young grass, and young bulls don't like old grass. Those who know me and once admired me are mostly my peers, and most of them are already married. As for those left for me to meet, how many can instantly recognize my true worth beyond my appearance? And if there really is someone like that, would I even look up to him? Therefore, I often feel sorry for myself and regret feeling like a luxurious fashion piece, finely crafted and of excellent quality, but unsold due to unreasonable pricing. Now that the style is outdated, it can only be sold at a discount. Sometimes when I go on blind dates, I even feel like a high-end product being sold at a low price. Whenever I see peers paired up and flying together, I feel left behind, imagining what my parents said: "Stop being picky, just settle down with someone." But feelings are not like other things that can be forced or compromised.
Thus, I wait year after year, day after day, but my love bird never comes.
A few years ago, in the prime of my youth, I had some charm, and there were always people around me. But who would have known that youth and beauty are like dog tails, which will turn yellow and wither in the blink of an eye. My skin is no longer rosy but replaced by spots and wrinkles. Moreover, I am reluctant to spend money on beautification, so although I am not ugly, I am definitely someone who would take a long time to find in a crowd. My appearance may not be beautiful anymore, but love in my heart is still beautiful. Chasing fashionable love with an unattractive appearance is obviously inappropriate. Last Spring Festival, my mother warned me: "If you don't find a partner soon, you will be too old, and it will be harder to get married." At that time, I promised her not to worry because I wouldn't celebrate the New Year with her next year. But God knows, two annual plans have passed, and this year has arrived, and I am still a single woman. I still live with my parents. Last Spring Festival, I secretly vowed that I would definitely get married this year, but the year has ended, and it turned out to be fruitless. Not only did I not get married, but I didn't even find anyone to seriously interact with. Among my colleagues, there is a girl who is a year younger than me and also unmarried. Her conditions are similar to mine, but the only difference is that she has more lovers, changing every ten days to half a month. Therefore, the colleagues privately nicknamed her "Half-Month Talk." Initially, I disapproved of her, but now I don't think so. Why? Because after my own experience, I realized that "Half-Month Talk" is not easy. "Half-Month Talk" requires charm, courage, and broad-mindedness. If someone called me "Half-Month Talk," I would definitely be furious, but when she heard it, she said: "It's not 'Half-Month Talk' anymore; it's now 'Weekly Edition.'" Listening to her words and tone, you can tell how open-minded and broad-hearted she is. Therefore, as an older youth, her mentality is much better than mine, and she is not as anxious, pitiful, or tragic as I am. When I heard her jokingly call herself "Weekly Edition," I laughed beside her, but recently, I heard a tongue twister that made me realize that "Half-Month Talk" might be advanced or not advanced, but I am definitely lagging behind. The tongue twister goes: "In the 2000s, love accelerates, from love to breakup within a week. Monday flirts, Tuesday falls in love, Wednesday goes to bed, Friday gets sick of it, Saturday breaks up, Sunday looks for new love." Once something becomes a tongue twister, it means it has become widespread.
Given that last year I didn't even find someone worth examining, and realizing now how far behind I am, I have decided to completely change my mindset and direction. I need to appropriately absorb some of the spirit of "Half-Month Talk," not to become "Weekly Edition," but at least have one or two people to talk to. For this purpose, I patiently sat down and carefully analyzed the reasons why I am left over. I discovered that besides believing in fate, there are the following points:
One, being influenced too much by negative effects from my grandmother and mother, and over-correcting past mistakes. Because when they looked for partners, they were too trendy. My grandmother followed the trend at the time, consulted several fortune-tellers to draw lots, check八字 (BaZi), and choose a partner, but ended up choosing a short-lived ghost. My mother, according to the fashion at the time, insisted on finding someone with a good background, and eventually found the poorest peasant among peasants, the representative of the poor peasants, and then argued with him for most of her life. Also, my aunt, though a farmer herself, because she was pretty when young, insisted on finding a worker, and eventually got what she wanted, living a much better life than farmers for a long time. But now, all four members of her family are unemployed, and even survival is a problem. Therefore, my grandmother often laments her bad luck, but I think she is a bit like the mouse marrying the daughter. Next, it's my turn to find a partner, and I no longer want to be shortsighted like them. I am determined to establish my worldview and partner selection view with a historical, developmental, dialectical, and materialistic perspective. Therefore, I set two rules for myself: 1. Don't look for someone too trendy. 2. Don't look for someone too popular. For this reason, a few years ago when diploma fever was prevalent, I deliberately avoided looking for someone with a diploma; in the past two years, when gold worship became fashionable, I deliberately avoided looking for someone wealthy, which caused me to lose many opportunities.
Two, always wanting to find someone with whom I have a connection, someone whose face lights up at first sight or someone who seems familiar, like someone I've seen in a dream or knew in a previous life. But how easy is that? A face you've never seen before, a stranger you know nothing about, appearing as if you've met before, is indeed a bit difficult.
Three, always wanting to find someone who treats me like a treasure, someone who loves and spoils me selflessly like my parents. If I were seventeen or eighteen, maybe someone would spoil me, but now at this age, nearing thirty, even grandma doesn't care, let alone others. Clearly, this idea is also unrealistic.
I think it is because of the above reasons that I have become autumn wheat and winter beans.
After identifying the reasons and clarifying my thoughts, I am determined to change my thinking and shift my perspective. I will abandon the previous irrational, impractical, and unfocused methods of finding a partner and instead use scientific, rational, and economic methods to choose a partner.
According to normal people's views, this might seem a bit too extreme, but I think it will definitely be more efficient and increase the hit rate. After all, a twenty-eight-year-old girl talking about romance and feelings is already a bit unrealistic.
With clear goals and directions, we will see how this year goes. My first step plan is: move out first, leaving my parents will definitely be better. First, I will have more freedom of action. I can go out for a meeting or a date in the evening without my parents' eyes sending me off, and I don't have to worry about the time when I come back. Second, I will have more freedom in dressing. I can wear a small strapless dress or a tank top without worrying about what my parents will say. Third, I won't have to watch my two younger sisters flaunting their beauty every day on dates, making me anxious every day. Fourth, without nagging and urging, I can stop aging, and my parents don't have to argue about me anymore. Because there were a few times when my mother got upset and blamed my father for spoiling me, which led to another big argument with the representative of the poor peasants. In fact, whether I find a partner or not has nothing to do with whether the representative of the poor peasants spoiled me or not. She is angry because she can't arrange my marriage or force me to find a marriage partner, so she gets angry.
The New Year passed in the blink of an eye, spring came, birds fell in love, ants lived together, flies got pregnant, butterflies remarried, frogs had children. I also found a one-bedroom apartment, ignoring my parents' advice, and moved in without hesitation. At first, I indeed felt peaceful, but soon I felt another kind of sorrow, a sense of emptiness and loneliness when I faced the four walls alone after work, and a loneliness of having no one to talk to, especially after dusk. Whether old or young, either walking proudly hand in hand in the middle of the street or sneaking into the bushes on the side of the road, I felt my loneliness even more. Especially those teenagers carrying schoolbags into the bushes made me shed tears. People at seventeen or eighteen can fall in love, but I am twenty-seven or twenty-eight and have never fallen in love. Every time at such moments, I feel that heaven is particularly unfair, and I am particularly useless, just like the old single woman I know. That woman is over forty, and because she read too many romance novels when she was young, she has never found a partner. Later, her temper became strange. Men who approached her closely, she accused of ulterior motives and trying to take advantage of her. If she encountered difficulties and a man wanted to help her, she would scold him. Therefore, she is almost fifty and still unmarried, and does not associate with others. She has thus become one of the well-known figures in the surrounding area. I feel that I am like her now, strange and abnormal. Chopsticks are paired, gloves and shoes are paired, bottles don't need to be paired, but they must be used with caps, bowls don't need to be paired, but they must be used with spoons. God never lets you exist alone in the world, but I have defied natural laws. Actually, it's not that I want to defy them, but God hasn't taken good care of me. Do I want to be bitten by anxiety and loneliness every day, and accompanied by solitude and dependence every night?
Recently, I have been extremely distressed, feeling that the whole world is celebrating except for me, a single person, because Lin Ping also got married. Lin Ping is my colleague and friend, three years older than me, already 31 years old. Due to past emotional trauma, she was terrified of relationships and even swore that she would never marry without regret. All along, Lin Ping was my comfort and bottom line. Whenever my parents urged or relatives asked, I would think, "Lin Ping is over 30 and not in a hurry, why should I be?" But who would have thought that even Lin Ping would get married, and so suddenly. From meeting to understanding took only more than a month, and she abandoned me, her ally. At her wedding, wearing white lace and thick powder with crow's feet, she smiled at me and said, "Come visit me often." I agreed verbally, but inside I was so sour that my nose almost ran. Once a woman gets married, she is gone like a crane ascending to the clouds. From then on, she is either busy building a nest or busy laying eggs, who cares about female colleagues anymore? I've had experience with this before. From now on, there will be nowhere to go on Sundays. I lamented silently, wishing I could find someone today and get married tomorrow.
Lin Ping's marriage made me so sad that I felt truly abandoned and left behind by society, even eliminated by people. I, who always considered myself superior, developed feelings of inferiority, so much so that my father said, "Why are you so gloomy and old-looking lately?" My mother said, "Where has your cleverness gone?" In fact, if it weren't for relatives and friends saying, "You're so old, hurry up and find someone," or "You'll be old soon if you don't find someone," I wouldn't be like this. Personally, I don't think I'm that old. At the very least, I'm still in my twenties, not thirties. Just because you're not married, just because you're 28 and don't have a partner, you're automatically labeled as an old maid, even set as an example. One time, my neighbor scolded her eight-year-old daughter, saying, "If you grow up and end up like Ah Xiang, unable to find a partner and become an old maid." Who would have thought that the little girl later repeated these words to my mom, hurting my mother deeply. During that period, I really wanted to stomp my foot and go south. Newspapers report that there are many people in Shanghai and Shenzhen who remain single for life. How do they live? Zhengzhou is not that remote, so why are people's thoughts so backward? From then on, I thought my pressure was all forced by society. But later, when homosexuality appeared around me and people could calmly accept it, and when I increasingly felt lonely and isolated, I realized that marriage is not only a social phenomenon but also a natural need. I violated natural laws, which made me a bit special and unconventional. Thinking of the ancient saying, "When a man grows up, he should marry; when a woman grows up, she should wed," I again focused all my energy on finding a partner.
The TV station held a program similar to "Rose Appointment," and I hurriedly signed up. However, the phone I used for notifications broke exactly during the interview days. By the time I learned the news and rushed over, they said, "Too late, next time." And next time, there was no news. Seeing the advertisements for matrimonial agencies in newspapers spread across pages in full swing, I also became interested. Hardly finding anyone else equally eager to marry, I nervously joined a nearby matrimonial agency named "Waiting a Thousand Years for One Encounter." It was better than expected. Checking the records, I was shocked. There were countless undergraduates, even doctoral students and overseas returnees. These conditions made me feel ashamed, but upon further reflection, I wasn't impressed. Though marriage has never been a purely personal act but has always been linked to power, status, family background, and wealth, openly advertising oneself as having a car, a house, a company, and substantial income to seek a beautiful companion was something I had never directly encountered before. Looking at it, I couldn't help but feel a bit repelled. Truly, in this vast world, anything is possible. Isn't this clearly using a car and a house rather than one's own charm to lure beautiful women? How different is this method of finding a partner from fishing with bait? So boring! While complaining, I also remembered what others often said about scammers and matrimonial agents, causing me to doubt the authenticity of these statements. Despite my doubts, I still paid the fee, registered, and harbored a glimmer of hope. If you're sick, you try any remedy. They say there are many fake ones here, but even if there are ghosts, you still have to go into the mountain!
The young matchmaker gave me a code: 4321, saying that in the future, I don't have to use my name here; this code will be my name. This suited me perfectly. It seems they understand us, knowing we are undercover workers here, fearing acquaintances and leaks, willing to sacrifice our personal dignity and money for the sake of this great, timeless cause of love.
Dates came quickly, and I basically attended every appointment. But soon I discovered that among the people they recommended to me, there were all kinds of people, mixed like sand and mud. After a busy period with no results, I became very troubled and told them that in the future, I could only initiate meetings, not be invited anymore. Thus, life became quiet again.