The land was ashen and oppressive, making it hard to breathe. Yet, not a single drop of rain fell.
Yan Yu sat on a bench in the maternal garden, her schoolbag carelessly placed to one side.
She looked up at the sky and felt as if her own mood mirrored it. Her throat seemed blocked by something, opening her mouth but no words came out. If you were to take a flat, snow-white sheet of paper, crumple it into a ball, then lay it out again and tear it into pieces, that paper would be like her current state of mind.
Oppressed. Yet, without tears.
In front of her, people passed back and forth. They came in pairs, holding hands, looking at each other with laughter and sweetness.
As before.
This shaded avenue in the maternal garden was a must-pass place after school. In the past, whether with classmates or alone, she always lingered here for a while.
Watching those happy couples, even though they didn't belong to her, Yan Yu still felt a sense of happiness just from watching them. It was as if their joy also made her happy.
All she wanted was to have such happiness someday.
Just that much.
However, one day, everything changed when Yan Yu realized it. The weather was still the same as before.
This is all true! True! Suddenly, she grabbed the corner of her red shirt forcefully; the fabric had already been wrinkled beyond repair.
Seeing the beautiful weather once again only made her hate it so much more!
Suddenly, her stomach convulsed as if bitten by countless insects, churning violently.
Sweat broke out quickly.
It lacked dignity. But why was it so cold?
The sky had completely darkened.
The pale yellow light filtered through the dense leaves of the sycamore trees, and the pedestrians on the road gradually decreased. From the afternoon until now, this road seemed to have transformed from a bustling village to a deserted wasteland after war.
An inappropriate metaphor, but now, peace could no longer be maintained. Loneliness lost easily.
Can't you, even for a second, say a word of explanation to me?
A massive shadow loomed over, then slowly grew larger. A fallen leaf drifted to her side. Naturally, she picked it up and tore it apart.
It's time to go. Silently, she picked up her schoolbag, dragging her heavy steps towards an unknown corner. Darkness swallowed everything. Tired, all her strength seemed to have been drained. When would this road end?
Without looking back, the torn leaf had already been blown away by the wind. Where it went, no one knew.
2[This itself is a play, will you assist me?]
The moment she turned on the desk lamp, the harsh light made her frown involuntarily.
Suddenly, she found herself very uncomfortable with this kind of light! Suddenly, she wanted to immerse herself in darkness! Suddenly, she wanted to forget everything!
This way, it wouldn't hurt anymore, right? Why? Like a fool!
The neon lights outside the window were always colorful, occasionally accompanied by car horns, creating a cacophony.
Never had she hated someone so much. Just thinking about his face made her stomach convulse repeatedly. Although Meng Qingya was beautiful, as the girls said, smiling like a flower, coquettish.
How disgusting!
Yan Yu couldn't help but want to throw a book at her face, preferably hearing the sound of blood.
Because of this face, she and Zhou Qi parted ways.
Thoroughly.
In the afternoon, the breeze was gentle, and the sun was bright. Everything was peaceful and beautiful, as if a new fairy tale was quietly unfolding.
Gazing far away, she didn't know who startled a flock of pigeons, causing them to fly up to the roof.
As usual, when Meng Qingya passed by Yan Yu, she gave her a disdainful look. This, Yan Yu had gotten used to. Everyone knew that Zhou Qi favored Yan Yu, and Meng Qingya liked Zhou Qi.
Jealousy among girls was inevitable, even between the best of friends, there would always be a hidden competition.
So, Yan Yu simply turned her head toward the window. Rather than staring at each other, it was better not to look at all.
However, the footsteps seemed to pause near her seat. Sensing the tension in the air, Yan Yu turned around and looked down at her.
Is there something? She asked unconsciously, yet somewhat impatiently. Meng Qingya's gaze was full of challenge.
I like Zhou Qi. She said.
So... she drew out the word, truly unsure what the other party intended to do. According to the sixth sense of girls, it wasn't as simple as these five words.
You like Li Yan so much, but do you know that Zhou Qi likes you too? Meng Qingya suddenly raised her voice, as if afraid others wouldn't hear.
What are you talking about? Yan Yu furrowed her brows, really unsure what trick this person was playing.
Li Yan and Yan Yu had been neighbors since childhood. Though they often went home together after class, Yan Yu knew that their relationship would forever remain the purest friendship between a boy and a girl, or perhaps just the bond between a brother and sister. What did Meng Qingya mean today by saying this?
Zhou Qi likes you so much, yet you like someone else... Meng Qingya's tears, seemingly from nowhere, quickly streamed down her face like raindrops. Yan Yu could feel that many eyes were now on them both.
Truly disgusting!
Meng Qingya! What exactly do you want? I and Li Yan are just friends. Don't make things up, okay?!
Where am I wrong? You two...
Honestly, Yan Yu was truly angry. She stood up, ready to confront the other person, when she saw Meng Qingya stumble.
Instinctively, she reached out to hold her, but simultaneously, the pen in her hand was knocked away. On the ground, the tip of the pen, like a knife, scraped across Meng Qingya's cheek. Instantly, the girl let out a cry, clearly not expecting this situation. After stabilizing herself, she touched her face and felt warmth.
Yan Yu, how could you do this? The girl covered her face with her hands, somewhat pitifully saying.
Let me take you to the infirmary.
No need! She slapped away the offered hand, even if you hate me, it doesn't have to be like this!
Meng Qingya cried and ran out of the classroom.
She suddenly felt at a loss, catching a glimpse of him watching quietly from the side, saying nothing, doing nothing. Perhaps, this itself was a play, wasn't it? Who performed better? Zhou Qi, won't you help me?
It seemed as if something shattered instantly, falling to the ground, never to be found again.
Really... are you going to watch the show from the sidelines too?
For the entire afternoon, Yan Yu didn't see Zhou Qi again.
Where did you go?
3[Sometimes, giving does not mean receiving]
Without him, the full classroom felt like an empty wasteland.
Perhaps, this world was originally strange. Sometimes, giving does not mean receiving.
Yan Yu admitted, she cared for Zhou Qi, not out of the affection between friends. To put it bluntly, that word meant love.
Love. Without reason, maybe sometimes inadvertently, this word had already been carved onto her heart.
But girls were indeed mysterious. Yan Yu had once said this about herself. Clearly liking someone, yet pretending not to. In fact, she just wanted to see the other person get flustered for her sake, which brought a small sense of happiness.
Perhaps, people all liked to create drama. Watching others get nervous satisfied oneself.
But the next scene she witnessed shattered all satisfaction, leaving behind only a heart, bloody and bare, exposed before a crowd of onlookers.
After all, what was the bottom line of her character?
When she saw Zhou Qi supporting Meng Qingya, who had a band-aid on her face, walking out, Yan Yu felt like she might go insane at any moment.
Was this what she waited for after school? Was this what she feared the most, seeing him support her and walk out? Even if the world ended, it wouldn't be worse than this.
In the classroom, three people stared at each other, none breaking the awkward silence.
Looking at that face she knew so well, in an instant, it felt unfamiliar, as if she didn't recognize him. She looked at him, wanting only an explanation. If he was willing, regardless of what it was, even a lie, Yan Yu knew she would believe it.
As long as he was willing to say!
—There was nothing! In the end, it was still this.
A barely audible "Let's go," two gazes, never intersecting again.
No need for an explanation?
The shadow diminished to just a point.
He left, without an explanation, as if fleeing from her sight.
Finally, was it her fault for ruining someone else's feelings? Just now, Meng Qingya's gaze was truly detestable. That haughty attitude, she didn't even like him, so what was she boasting about? All he felt for her was pity!
The sky had never been so white, like spilt blood covering the ground.
A wave of bloodiness hit her face. She grabbed her schoolbag and ran out without hesitation.
That's right. She had already won, you got nothing. It's over, you didn't gain love. Zhou Qi didn't love you. He skipped class this afternoon because of Meng Qingya, isn't it? He didn't even give you a last glance, not a single explanation for you! Do you still want to hear him say "I love you" like a fool? Everything has ended, your love with him.
Then, let's part ways.
The streetlights were still blinding. Gently touching the wound on her hand, it was clearly her unintentional nail marks. Crescent-shaped, just enough for one finger to rub back and forth. The blood had clotted, and pain was no longer felt.
Fairy tales, such things, don't exist in this world.
Yan Yu knew, she was no longer a child. Cold reality taught her to let go of unattainable things.
Yet, she couldn't help but feel bitter. How should she deal with it? She was so fragile!
She just needed a reason! She just needed an explanation!
Zhou Qi, did you stop loving me in just one day? What exactly did I do wrong?
Turning off the desk lamp, darkness instantly engulfed everything.
4[Sorry, do you know what that means?]
Morning sunlight had never been so blinding. The moment it hit her eyelids, all sleepiness vanished.
Perhaps, she couldn't sleep at all. All she wanted was an explanation.
Turning on the faucet, Yan Yu was startled by her reflection in the mirror. Her eyes hadn't looked good in a long time. Did she cry yesterday?
For the first time, she felt how quiet the morning had become. No bird chirping, no pedestrians, even the uncle who usually came out early to sell fried bread sticks wasn't there.
Suddenly, she felt a sense of unease!
Such tranquility, was this another bad start?
At some point, a gust of wind rustled the leaves on the roadside. Her bangs were blown into a mess. Climbing the stairs and entering the classroom,
In the dim light, Zhou Qi silently wrote something in a notebook, very focused, as if he didn't notice Yan Yu looking at him. He just picked up the pen and pondered deeply. Moving closer, Yan Yu saw him furrow his handsome eyebrows.
Sitting in her usual seat, she could feel Meng Qingya looking at her, not for the first or second time.
Glaring back irritably, Meng Qingya was diligently doing her homework.
Just as she hesitated whether to approach Zhou Qi and talk, the bell rang for class.
Today's classes passed so easily, Mo Xiaotian encouraged himself. Now, however, he lacked any courage.
Did I misinterpret what happened yesterday afternoon? Today feels like nothing happened. The quiet classroom compared to yesterday seems like another world.
Just as Yan Yu was feeling uneasy about her thoughts, the student in front passed her a notebook, raising his voice to say, "This is from Zhou Qi."
Opening it.
It was the notebook he had been writing in earlier. The cover was plain green, typical of Zhou Qi's style.
Was he apologizing to her? Yan Yu glanced back at him and noticed Zhou Qi also looking at her. For a moment their eyes met, and he quickly averted his gaze.
She chuckled bitterly and opened the notebook.
The first page had been torn out. Only three words remained visible—"I'm sorry."
Flipping through to the second page, third page…there were no more words.
Suddenly, she felt an urge to cry!
Clearly written was not "I was wrong," not "I was wrong yesterday," not "Are you alright?" but three perfectly printed words—"I'm sorry."
Do you know what this means… Is "I'm sorry" a way of saying you no longer love me?
Yan Yu suddenly had an impulse. She wanted to leave her seat, sit in front of him, and ask, "Do you no longer love me?"
But everything evolved into three words preceding the apology—"Why?"
Why are you saying sorry to me? Why can't you look at me? Why won't you explain anything to me? Is it because of what happened today? But I've already explained, my relationship with her has nothing to do with you, why…
Yan Yu grabbed the pen and threw it forcefully.
With a loud "bang," it seemed to hit the blackboard at the back, drawing everyone sitting behind to turn around.
Zhou Qi could only awkwardly laugh and say, "Nothing, my notebook fell accidentally."
Hearing his voice, it felt like something was suppressing her chest, unable to express the anguish inside.
After years of interaction, is this all you have to offer me—a mere "I'm sorry"? Are you more important than worldly matters? More important than people?
Then, what am I to you?
Not long after, Yan Yu felt someone nudging her clothes. Turning around, she accepted the notebook handed over by the child behind her. Opening the first page, under the "why" she had written, another bold sentence appeared—
"Can you trust me for two months?"
Without any punctuation, just a simple sentence asking her to trust him, but what does it mean after two months? What is the significance of this?
But unwilling to look back at him, Yan Yu remembered that Zhou Qi had asked her if there was anything she disliked. She shook her head and replied, "I dislike being deceived by others, even if it's well-intentioned!"
Her tone was resolute. At that moment, Zhou Qi's expression seemed to noticeably change.
Tearing the page loudly, she then placed the notebook aside, tearing the page into pieces and crumbling it into a ball.
What Yan Yu didn't see was that Zhou Qi pressed his foot against his chest, as if something inside him had shattered into fragments…just like that balled-up paper, blocking his throat, almost suffocating him.
Yan Yu forgot, boys aren't good at expressing themselves.
A simple "I'm sorry" already contained too much, bearing too much.
5[His world now has no connection with hers, like two parallel lines, never to intersect]
Yan Yu was genuinely furious. Zhou Qi was the first person she hated in her life. Giving him all her trust, she received only a "I'm sorry" in return. Or, perhaps, no one could forgive such a thing.
Originally, everything was as beautiful as a fairy tale, but once doubt crept in, those biased, slightly dirty thoughts all surfaced in her mind.
Maybe everyone is like this. When one's beliefs are shattered, when the person they trusted most betrays them, they instinctively fear being hurt and curl up in the coldest corner to protect themselves, feeling the warmth of their own body.
But that feeling is false. A person can never warm themselves with their own temperature.
Yan Yu rested her chin on the table, looking at the swaying tree leaves outside the window, devoid of any luster.
These days were strange. Not only was Meng Qingya absent from school, but Zhou Qi's expression also seemed less pleasant. His face appeared older, with fewer smiles to mask his embarrassment and even fewer expressions. She had observed all this roughly.
However, Yan Yu had firmly decided not to acknowledge Zhou Qi anymore. His world now had no connection with hers, like two parallel lines, never to intersect.
But when they met again after this firm decision, she restrained herself from greeting him.
She wished this incident hadn't happened. Without her, everything would have been fine, right? And Zhou Qi, without her, would you still be with someone else?
The motive of guilt, perhaps like a spark, could ignite the whole grassland.
If only Meng Qingya didn't exist, if only she didn't exist!
Yan Yu seemed to suddenly think of something and abruptly turned to look at Zhou Qi. However, Zhou Qi was resting his head on the table, his hair covering his face, and she couldn't see his expression.
Suddenly, a gust of wind blew, seemingly intentional or unintentional.
Yan Yu saw Zhou Qi's furrowed brow, even though his eyes were closed, it seemed as if he was contemplating something. Forgetting everything in an instant, she loosened the grip on her clothes—
Cannot forgive! This will never be forgotten, never!
Hey, Zhou Qi, how do I feel about you now? Tell me.
The sleeping person seemed to sense something and opened his eyes confusedly. Instinctively, he saw the familiar person also looking at him.
Is it a dream?
He rubbed his eyes, and the person turned away from him, gripping a pen in their hand, writing something on the paper.
That must be a dream. She hasn't spoken to me for many days, so why suddenly…
Massaging his temples, he maintained the posture of sleeping and rested his head back on the table.
The shadow he had seen before, stared at the paper he was writing on, blankly—everything on it was a mess, no beginning thread could be found, nor any end.
6[From that moment on, I was no longer myself]
I must be crazy, Yan Yu thought.
She walked to Zhou Qi's seat, and the girl behind Zhou Qi considerately moved away.
She thanked the boy and sat directly opposite him. From this position, he was both farthest away and facing her.
Can we talk? Yan Yu said.
Zhou Qi didn't respond, instead lowering his head, avoiding her gaze. After seeming to deliberate for a moment, Yan Yu saw the person in front of her shake their head lightly.
She sighed, perhaps not knowing why she sighed. Facing him, for a moment, she couldn't find any words to say.
Don't you even want to see me?
Unconsciously, she pinched the edge of her clothes.
Won't you say anything? Yan Yu slowly pushed his bangs aside with her fingers. Unexpectedly, he didn't resist, like a child who had done something wrong, waiting for punishment. Yan Yu suddenly wanted to cry. Originally, she had prepared a series of sentences, but when things started, she found she couldn't say anything.
Hate. Zhou Qi softly spoke.
Then? Yan Yu asked, but there was no more sound.
Can you tell me what happened to Meng Qingya? She hasn't been to school for a while. Her tone seemed casual, but the body in front of her stiffened noticeably.
She's in the hospital.
Finally, she heard four words, seemingly filled with deep sorrow. However, Yan Yu felt a sudden flicker of joy, perhaps this was a disaster turning into fortune.
What illness?
I don't understand, I'll tell you later, okay?
No problem.
…
Leaving.
Wait! He suddenly grabbed her hand, saying... Sorry.
Her heart jolted again, were these three words all you could say? Couldn't you say something else?
His long bangs obscured Zhou Qi's expression, Yan Yu couldn't see clearly. She watched his hand still holding hers, feeling as if she had been scalded, and hastily pulled away, running out of the classroom without a second thought.
Why? Why do you only say sorry to me? You owe me nothing! Why do you keep saying that?
Yan Yu leaned on the railing, carefully inhaling the air, feeling as if her body didn't belong to her.
That's right, from the moment I unconsciously separated from Zhou Qi, I was no longer myself. Instead, I became a puppet mentally deprived of everything. My emotions couldn't be controlled, and guilt had been replaced by the cold truth.
Hey, isn't Meng Qingya in the hospital? Why don't I go see her?
Her nails faintly dug into her flesh, and Yan Yu's face revealed a smile she herself didn't fully understand.
In the classroom, Zhou Qi quietly looked at her retreating figure through the window, suddenly remembering something and his pupils sharply contracted.
A gust of wind passed, the sycamore leaves rustled. Sparrows, who knew nothing of human sorrow, chirped noisily in the tree as if mocking the burning heat.
Like the sun that is always old, but today can never come back.
Then, are you still you?
7[Things will never be the same as before! Never!]
The last long conversation Yan Yu recalled, she vaguely remembered forgetting to ask which hospital it was, but that didn't matter anymore. Could she ask him again? Moreover, there weren't many hospitals near here, searching one by one should work.
But, is it worth it?
Yan Yu kept asking herself this question