Is there a corner somewhere where life does not experience the pain of separation and loss, where love is not destined to have its joys and sorrows? Perhaps it exists, but I know I am not the fortunate one. - __________ Introduction. - Qiunián is the man I admire. In my youth, I thought I would find a man with warm eyes to love, just like Qiunián. I believed I could temporarily forget the unease and despair in my heart, occupy a great deal of emotion in his seemingly false concern, and live in the darkness surrounded by abundant material things. - But before I encountered such a kind of feeling, I met Guhan. This was definitely a fated encounter; it was the beginning of everything and nothing. It decided all my future emotions and separations. At that time, I was thinking that if I could quietly sleep in the悠扬歌声 (melodious songs) at that moment, difficult to wake up, without any complaints, perhaps we wouldn't have reached such a turbulent and wandering end. - - [ONE]. Life goes on as usual, day and night alternates silently, gathering into rivers flowing forward, dragging all memories forward aimlessly, yet without direction. Rain showers fall onto the pages of March, bleaching once yellowed old letters and the thoughts of yearning that were once shattered into pieces, then quietly turn page by page. The pitiful sun hides behind dark clouds, curled up in sadness, unable to find its way back. I still live alone simply, repeatedly warning myself to forget all the past, erasing all folded traces from my memories. - That year, I was only 19 years old. Youth forever! Yet it carried the heaviness it shouldn't have and those blurred, tangled emotions. - "Xiao Ya, you are a woman who loves vanity." This sentence has been heard countless times until numbness set in. Recalling now, it still feels like being pierced by a sharp blade, bleeding every night, piercing through my heart daily, endlessly looping the helplessness and hardships of the past. - "Gu Han, let's break up!" That spring, before the peach blossoms had even bloomed, I carved this sentence into my heart. Reaching out to hold onto something, opening my palm, I clearly saw that streak of crimson, filled with densely packed lifelines, stinging my eyes. Pale memories began to wrinkle with the fluttering of skirts from that year. A cycle completed from unfamiliarity to familiarity and back to unfamiliarity again. Once so firmly held, yet unable to be retained. - The phone slipped lightly from my hand, the battery cover separated instantly from the body, and the broken screen scattered fine glass shards across the entire floor, just like my shattered love. On the 17th step of the distant corridor, white roses were blooming, already decaying and wilting, yet new flowers were budding among them. Like the needle-pricking heart on the verge of death. Maybe the story was wrong from the very beginning. Since coming to Hangzhou, leaving was actually the start of a story. And only I forgot my own existence, naively holding on. - - [TWO]. The weather in Hangzhou changes unpredictably, short sleeves in the morning, cold winds in the evening. Such an early autumn comes suddenly, too fast to adapt. Sunday mornings always come late, vaguely recalling some old times. Habitually shutting the door tightly, turning the stereo to the maximum, the song《那些花儿》(Those Flowers) loops over and over. For a long time, I didn't know what I was chasing after. Classmates in the senior high school affiliated with Zhejiang University were studying hard under the stars, burying themselves in books. I, however, worked part-time in a bar during my spare time just to make a living. This was my life, no choice involved. - "Xiao Ya, I don't allow you to work part-time in this bar anymore." - Still remember that desolate summer evening when that voice pierced through the silence of the darkness. Qiunián's nails dug into my arm, pulling me away from the bar surrounded by loneliness. At that time, Qiunián in my eyes was irreplaceable, different from any other time. Life always brings some people when it's at its lowest point, trying to guide its direction, but then plunges deeper into the swamp. All these things I couldn't control. - Qiunián, this man eight years older than me who returned from abroad, never actively inquired about his affairs. I just learned sporadically that he returned from the United States, was an executive in a U.S.-funded company in China, and could give me more than I ever imagined. I often wondered why he treated me this way. Everyone has a certain motive for doing things, regardless of whether their starting point is pure or innocent. His lavish attentiveness without seeking return, was it pity or sympathy? I also often thought about how I should respond to him, but mostly remained silent when facing him. When he told me that he would return to the United States one day, I didn't think much about it, and he still picked me up as usual after school. - "I am a shortcut in your life." This was the phrase he repeated most often at that time, and at that time, I didn't understand, even despised it. - When my classmates could only use cheap perfume, he started giving me Chanel perfume. When he knew I liked crystal, he gave me a Swarovski necklace not yet available in Hangzhou. I said I liked color-screen mobile phones, and he bought one from abroad and gave it to me. I said I wanted to open a clothing store, and he helped me rent a storefront on Wulin Road. I feared living without money, and all these things he was willing to provide, and I accepted them all, yet none of it moved me in the slightest. There was a resistance in my heart, I couldn't possibly be as carefree as he expected. - That day, sitting in Qiunián's car, my hands on my knees were frozen purple. He glanced at me and said, "Let's go buy you a pair of gloves." In the end, he also gave me a Burberry cashmere scarf. I had only seen it in magazines before. Before getting in the car, I saw Guhan just coming out of KFC, the coffee in his hand still steaming. In the instant he saw me, he accidentally spilled the coffee. I saw his stunned figure in the rearview mirror and couldn't help tearing up. He must have understood my recent avoidance and evasion, and he must have thought I left him because I had fallen for someone else. All of this, I couldn't defend myself against. That evening, I received a call from Guhan. The moment the phone rang, I felt as if by telepathy I knew what he was going to say. Trembling, I picked up the phone, and everything around me seemed to freeze. Clear and distinct, I heard him say, "Xiao Ya, you are a woman who loves vanity." [THREE]. Qiunián's appearance did not bring me even a trace of happiness. The accumulation of material wealth blocked the emptiness in my heart, pressing down so heavily I couldn't breathe. Often waking up in the middle of the night, I pulled open the curtains, fantasizing about seeing the sea. Outside the window, the ancient moonlight remained unchanged. Helplessly sitting down, I faintly heard the song《天空之城》(Castle in the Sky), its ethereal lightness singing from the past to the future. Suddenly, I fell into the wheel of time. I can no longer walk into those memories. Among the ruins, my solitary figure flickers between visible and invisible. Time doesn't care whether I linger, calmly extending its mysterious sorrow. My heart still carries emotions that cannot be shaken off. To me, days stretch long enough for mutual entanglement, no need to recount partings, just reminiscing about those youthful, innocent times. - When I was six years old, my father ran off with a wealthy woman and didn't come home for a long time. We only heard that he lived in Hangzhou city, while I lived with my mother in Yushan Town countryside, depending on each other for survival. In my young memories, it's hard to find any fragments about my father, nor anything to reminisce about. The word 'father' to me is an obscure term, devoid of any emotion. - He came back and took away my elder sister Xiao Ran. That night, watching my mother's tears flow uncontrollably, she seemed to age instantly. I looked at her with pain, realizing for the first time that my mother also needed a shoulder to lean on. She wasn't as strong as we usually saw her, she got tired too. Later, grandma said they had divorced, which shocked me because it was my mother, the woman who loved my father to the bone marrow, who proposed the divorce. - That summer passed in the blink of an eye. To give me a better future, my mother transferred me to Zhejiang University Affiliated High School, to live with my sister who stayed with our father. Unpredictably, that turned out to be the beginning of a nightmare. This sister, who shared blood with me, I saw rejection, indifference, and disdain in her eyes. She never gave me pocket money. Countless mornings, I went to school hungry, braving the cold wind. Coming home, there was always leftover food from the previous night. In the cold winter, I washed piles of clothes she changed out of, until my nails broke and my hands swelled and whitened from soaking in water. I hated Xiao Ran, the person called my sister. I thought my life would be ruined forever, but unexpectedly, I met Guhan, a man who made me fall in love at first sight. He had the eyes, eyebrows, and nose I liked, so he was the person I liked. - "Xiao Ya, let's go see the lotus flowers at Yin Lake, hurry up!" - On a warm sunny afternoon, the book in my hands rustled, unable to focus on a single word, staring blankly at the azure sky outside the window until drowsiness set in, then interrupted by a boy's voice. - Unclear from when exactly, a boy named Guhan appeared beside me. Back then, he had clear, deep eyes, white teeth, furrowed brows, a buzz cut hairstyle that clearly showed his scalp, and a faint smile that exuded the scent of summer. In my seventeen-year-old life, the most romantic scenery blossomed in his flower-like smile. - That summer, a pool of ink-green adorned the lake behind the school, the rain having just ceased in the afternoon. The blazing sun illuminated the pond of lotus leaves, the breeze rippling the bright, shimmering youthfulness in my eyes. The willows by the lake spewed forth new branches wildly, declaring its vigorous vitality to the season, hiding cicadas shaking off residual rainwater from their wings behind the branches, releasing noisy cicada calls, akin to our naive romance in that season. - "Xiao Ya, I like you." - "I know, I know, quickly go back to the classroom and study. We have to go to university together." - Sunflower needs sunlight, my sunflower. Only shining brightly under the sun, excelling beautifully in passion. I said the sunlight might disappear, and you said you didn't regret. The sunlight disappeared as usual. The baby under the sunlight, exceptionally dazzling, the smiling face under the sunlight, slightly weary. Back then, Wang Fei's songs were very popular. Guhan rode his bike carrying me and sang that song repeatedly. - "My dear Xiao Ya, remember this is Wang Fei's song, the latest version of 'Yang Bao'." Guhan said shyly and emotionally, then pedaled quickly through crowds and traffic. Behind the speeding bike, youth galloped. The hollow, melancholic song flew wantonly through streets and alleys. - They say people who sing have bright faces. Those lights that once shone on me, I blocked with my hands. I also heard his youthful remarks, containing too much blame and tender pity. Just one turn in the bustling world, and I was really far away. We didn't wait for the two seasons of that pool of lotus flowers to bloom. - [FOUR] - However, life won't pity you for your helplessness, loneliness, and sorrow, changing its course. Is it destiny or bad luck, can we blame heaven and earth? My sister often wore vulgar makeup, frequently bringing men home late at night to mingle. In the pitch-black night, their muffled whispers mixed with fierce wind sounds, violently stimulating my eardrums. Hiding in the covers, I clamped my mouth shut, afraid to cry out, until tears repeatedly soaked my phone screen, looking at Guhan's messages, at that time, I hoped he could come to take me away. But that was just hope, I didn't dare to tell Guhan what I was experiencing, fearing it would worry him and affect his studies. All this joy and sorrow I endured alone, he must bear the dreams of two people to live well. - His dream, would also be my dream. That deep autumn night, my body curled up in pain, the wailing of an ambulance tore through the endless night sky, I was sent to the hospital, preliminarily diagnosed with kidney stones, the surgery cost would be over seven thousand yuan. The stark number made me shiver lying on the bench, resembling the swaying leaves outside the window. In the long corridors, few people walked around, even if someone passed, their gaze wouldn't linger on me. Lingering, even for a second, never happened. - The hospital's white walls, gray ceilings, every corner filled with the smell of formaldehyde, despair seeped into every nerve, struggling within forming a blaze of fire, burning every bone. Wanting to cry, but no tears, only sweat trickling down my eye sockets into my eyes, but I knew it wasn't tears. Thus, I spent the night in physical pain and chaotic thoughts. The weak morning sunlight filtered in, my mother came, in her concerned inquiries and the sorrowful wrinkles at the corners of her eyes, I cried, but still without tears. I told myself this was the life I had to face. - After being discharged from the hospital, I started part-time work at a hotel called Huangchao introduced by a friend. It was a paradise for the rich to indulge in pleasure and revelry, a hell for the poor to humiliate themselves and entertain others. In countless winter nights, I applied garish makeup, the cutting wind howled fiercely, I avoided all familiar people, taking shortcuts to enter that hotel, encountering all sorts of men: nouveau riche, speculators. The loud bass sound was incessant, there deep loneliness played out. The tall glasses contained liquid like bone and blood, which was poison to me. Amidst the applause and the dim red, warm lights, I drank that poison again and again, preferring to be drunk and vomit in the restroom rather than return to see Xiao Ran's look at me. I thought life's trials were probably like this. Similar stories would play out at different times and places. - [FIVE] - Between me and Qiunián, he would never understand my experiences, he could only give me material satisfaction. He's a good person, a good person, that's all. He kissed my forehead the same way Guhan did. But there was only warmth, no touch of emotion. - Everyone has a place in their hearts that's hard to talk about, remembering it makes one sad, like the half-love song that echoes repeatedly in the buried youth, making one cry alone in the corner of a dark night, tears streaming inside, unreachable by others. Recalling Qiunián is a disheartening and regretful matter, also tinged with guilt. I and he were originally not from the same world, he had a vast family fortune, and what was I to him? He was like a handsome man in an oil painting, just like the song Wang Fei sang, in my fate, the more beautiful something is, the less I dare to touch it. So I could only appreciate him, not love him. Perhaps he guessed this, and hadn't shown up for a long time, each time mentioning the situation in the U.S. and the sunny coast of Florida. I often thought that even without me, he still had his career, whereas what did I have? Perhaps it was merely the remaining memories of Guhan. - One evening around 11 o'clock, I heard someone knocking on the door. I knew it was Qiunián. He staggered into the room, reeking of alcohol. His eyes flickered between brightness and darkness. For the first time, I felt pain, a desolate and desperate pain, like the deep sea. He suddenly hugged me from behind, tightening his grip bit by bit. I could feel his erratic breathing. - "Xiao Ya, I'm leaving." - "Will you come back to see me?" - "If I don't come back, will you go with me?" - "No." - After that night, I never saw Qiunián again. Perhaps, maybe he had already returned to the U.S., I thought. What kind of feeling was there between me and Qiunián? Was it because I met Guhan first that I rejected him, cocooning myself, or was it because he was too perfect for me to dare to touch? - - [SIX] - With the college entrance exam approaching, I hardly had time to think about my relationship with Qiunián. I don't know when I started to get used to reading alone, listening to music alone, and aimlessly walking on the streets alone. - Surprisingly good exam results, and I wanted to leave Hangzhou. So I chose a southern university, though Xiamen University isn't really considered southern. The four years of university life passed rather monotonously. During this period, I learned to smoke, and classmates often referred to me as a "cold beauty". Over these four years, I dated a few times, but all ended abruptly. As graduation approached, I began to inquire about Guhan's whereabouts. He had heard rumors from others that I had gone to the U.S. with Qiunián. At that time, he had entered a northern university in Harbin, and six months ago had continued his studies at Stanford University in the U.S. - After graduating from university, I smoothly joined the credit department of a financial enterprise in Shanghai. Life was comfortable, with no worries about food and clothing. I could only miss Guhan or Qiunián on sunny, quiet days. At that time, perhaps I had the courage to bear the latent sadness for a long time. Wang Fei's half-love song was particularly clear. There were blessings, and there were sighs. The melody was melodious, but I didn't know why I shed tears. It was due to regret, solitude, or perhaps because things were no longer the same. In short, there was an indescribable taste. If time could rewind, I knew I would do the same. Some things, it's not that I chose them, but they chose me. The gentle evening breeze carried the song, but the people of yesterday were nowhere to be found. - Last year during the May Day holiday, I returned to Yushan Puzhong where I started my schooling to visit a teacher. Someone patted me from behind, "Come on, let's go see the lotus flowers at Yin Lake!"