1. A toad pursued a swan, who disdainfully said, "If I were as ugly as you, I would have killed myself long ago!" The toad retorted, "Then why is the pig still alive and well?"
The pig felt aggrieved upon hearing this and said, "I was just browsing posts; who did I offend?"
2. A man raised a pig that he found very troublesome, so he decided to abandon it. However, the pig always found its way back home no matter how many times he tried.
One day, the man drove the pig far away again.
That night, he called his wife and asked, "Is the pig back yet?"
His wife replied, "Yes, it's back."
The man became furious and shouted, "Let it take the phone quickly! I'm lost!"
3. Farmer A lived on top of a mountain with a sow.
Farmer B lived at the foot of the mountain with a boar.
Day 1:
Farmer A called Farmer B, "Brother, my sow is in heat. Can I borrow your boar? I'll give you two piglets as payment once they're born."
So Farmer B pushed his boar up the mountain in a wheelbarrow...
Day 2:
Farmer A called again, "Brother, one time might not be enough to ensure piglets. Let's do it again today."
And so they repeated the process.
Day 3:
When Farmer B woke up and opened the door, he saw the boar already smiling and sitting in the wheelbarrow.
4. A pig went to God asking to be reincarnated as a human.
God asked, "Do you want to be a worker?" The pig replied, "Too tiring!"
God asked, "Do you want to be a farmer?" The pig replied, "Too hard!"
God asked, "Do you want to be a businessman?" The pig replied, "Too difficult!"
God asked, "So what do you want to be?"
The pig replied, "Someone who can eat, drink, gamble, and womanize!"
God got angry and said, "You want to be a government official!"
5. Person A: "After dinner, let's play a multiple-choice question game!"
Everyone: "Sure! What's the question?"
Person A: "Which animal loves to ask 'why' the most?"
A: Rabbit
B: Squirrel
C: Dog
D: Pig
At this point, person B (a plant) quickly answered, "D."
Person A said, "Correct."
The rest asked, "Why?"
6. A little boy went to the countryside to spend his holiday with relatives. His relatives lived on a farm where he saw many things he'd never seen before. When he returned home,
he told his mother everything. He said that what left a deep impression on him was a sow with piglets. "What does the sow do?" "Well, the piglets chase her," the child said, "they flip her over and start unbuttoning the buttons on her stomach."
7. One day, a man walked into a bar followed by a pig. This pig had no feet; instead, it had four wooden sticks as prosthetic legs.
The bartender asked the man, "Your pig is strange. Why doesn't it have feet?"
The man replied, "This pig is extraordinary. When we were poor and lived in a thatched house, this pig sniffed around in the backyard and discovered oil, making me rich enough to build a villa and a swimming pool."
The bartender was amazed and speechless for a while before asking, "Alright, then what happened to its feet?"
The man replied, "You know, this pig is amazing. One day, my five-year-old son was drowning alone in the swimming pool, and it jumped in, pulled out my son, and performed mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!"
The bartender was even more astonished and asked, "Then why..."
The man started to get impatient: "I've told you, this pig is extraordinary. One midnight, our kitchen caught fire, and it woke up all the family members and put out the fire alone!!"
The bartender said, "Sir! I'm asking why your pig has no feet?"
The man replied unhappily, "If you had such an extraordinary pig... Would you eat it all at once?"
8. A biology teacher was enthusiastically describing the appearance of African wild boars on the podium when he occasionally glanced at the students below and noticed that most of them were dozing off. So he became furious and yelled, "You should look at me!
If you don't look at me, how will you know what African wild boars look like?"
9. A husband and wife had an argument. When the husband came home, the wife was glaring at him. Knowing better than to argue, the husband went to play with the cat. The wife shouted, "Why are you playing with that pig?"
The husband was surprised and said, "That's a cat, not a pig."
The wife snapped back, "I'm talking to the cat. Why do you have to butt in?"
10. On the busy Shanghai-Nanjing expressway, a policeman stopped a small truck because he noticed a pet pig sitting next to the driver.
"How can you let the pig sit in this position?" the policeman asked incredulously.
"Isn't it allowed?" the driver seemed confused by the question.
"It's not allowed," the policeman sternly stated, "and you will be fined for doing this."
"But I didn't know!" the driver defended himself.
"Where are you going?" the policeman asked again.
"To Shanghai."
"Alright, I won't fine you this time," the accommodating policeman said, "but once you get to Shanghai, you must immediately take this pig to the zoo."
"Yes, officer!" the driver sighed with relief, realizing that fines on expressways wouldn't be cheap.
However, less than two weeks later, the same policeman stopped the same driver because the same pig was still sitting next to him.
"Didn't I tell you to take it to the zoo once you got to Shanghai?"
"Yes, and we had so much fun there that this time I'm taking it to Suzhou Amusement Park!"
11. In a certain county, a farmer fed his pigs slop every day and was fined 10,000 yuan by the "Animal Protection Association" - for animal abuse. Later, the farmer changed to feeding the pigs Tian Shan Snow Lotus, and was fined another 10,000 yuan by the "Animal Protection Association" - for wasting food.
One day, the leader came for an inspection and asked the farmer what he was feeding the pigs now. The farmer said, "I don't know what to feed them anymore. Now I give them 100 yuan each day and let them go out to eat themselves."
12. A group of animals crossed the river, and halfway through, the boat began to take on water. Some of them would have to jump into the water.
The clever monkey came up with an idea: each person would tell a joke, and if the joke failed to make everyone laugh, the person telling it would be thrown overboard.
They began drawing lots, and it turned out that the cat would go first, followed by the monkey, then the chicken...
The cat racked its brains to tell a joke, and everyone laughed except the pig. Helplessly, the animals threw the cat overboard.
The monkey's joke made everyone laugh even harder, but the pig still didn't laugh, so the monkey also ended up feeding the fish.
The chicken was scared, thinking even the clever monkey couldn't escape this fate...
Unexpectedly, the pig laughed at this moment. The other animals scolded it: "The chicken hasn't even told a joke yet. Why are you laughing?"
The pig said, "The cat's joke was really funny..."
13. That day, I said, "You're a pig." You said, "I am certainly not a pig." So from then on, I called you "certainly not a pig"! Finally, one day, you couldn't bear it anymore and shouted in front of everyone, "I am not certainly not a pig!"
14. God gave me a magic pot, think of anything and it will appear. I accidentally thought of you once, and it made you appear. I couldn't stop thinking about you, and it kept making you appear. Eventually, the whole house was filled with you, and I was worried! How am I supposed to feed so many little pigs?
15. It's been really cold these days. You must take good care of yourself and not freeze. As the saying goes, "People freeze their legs, pigs freeze their mouths." I've already put on thermal underwear, you should buy a mask too!
Text Messages:
Someone told me that when I miss home, I should look at the sky, when I miss my mom, I should look at the moon, and when I miss my good friends, I should look at the distance, but I didn't know what to look at when I missed you. Now I finally know - I just need to look at the pigsty.
If you were a meteor, I would chase you. If you were a satellite, I would wait for you. If you were a star, I would fall in love with you. Unfortunately... you're a pig~ I can only see you in the pigsty!!
*It's time to say goodbye to you. Looking at your innocent face, my heart breaks. Why did I choose sincerely and then have to give up so soon? I really wanted to keep you by my side, but Mom said "You can't raise pigs in the city!"
*One day I told you, "You're a pig," and you said, "I am certainly not a pig," so from then on, I called you "certainly not a pig." One day, you couldn't bear it anymore and shouted, "I am not certainly not a pig!"
*Meeting you was accidental, liking you was natural, loving you was determined, getting you was joyful, and having you as pork for life is inevitable.
*I haven't heard from you in a long time, and I've been thinking about you these past few days. My mind is all over the place. I've searched all the ponds you love, the little restaurants, and the grassy areas where you sleep, but I still can't find you. My heart is breaking... Where did such a big pig disappear to?
*Are you busy? Nothing serious, I just didn't want to disturb you by telling you that I'm thinking about you! I hope when you read this message, you'll smile, snort twice, and let the other little pigs know that the master likes you the most!
*The sun has risen, troubles are gone, and the energetic you will welcome a wonderful day. Alright! Get out of bed! Shake off the pig hair, wash your pig face, and work hard for the feed!
*The rain falls intermittently, causing endless thoughts in me. To put it bluntly, I miss you. When the weather clears up, I'll take you to that grassy area again, but we have to agree beforehand: pigs can only eat grass, no digging!
*Encountering you was unexpected, and I was flustered and didn't know what to do. Your affectionate eyes were impossible for me to avoid. I understood your feelings. I ran away, but you followed closely behind. I cried out, "Whose pig is starving like this?"
*God didn't give pigs wisdom because he wanted them to be happy. So, you must be happy, okay?
*Strange, truly strange! Last time, I accidentally spilled half a kettle of boiling water on your hand, and you said it was fine and didn't hurt at all! Later, I looked it up in folk sayings and realized that dead pigs aren't afraid of boiling water!
*If autumn leaves, I'll wait for you in the snow. If the world ends, I'll love you in heaven. If you leave, I'll miss you in tears. If I leave, I'll let him take care of you; his pig-raising skills are excellent, really!
*Now please touch your face, look in the mirror, and smile. If your skin is rosy and the fine hair is fresh and soft, then you're healthy. Alright, that concludes today's "Pig-Raising Knowledge Lecture"!
*What's going on? I just dialed your mobile number, and after the ring, it prompted: "The pig you are looking for is from another region; please add the pigsty area code!" I couldn't believe it! After adding the code, it said, "Sorry, the user you dialed has entered the market!"
*Where are you? I can't get through by phone, and you don't reply to messages. I'm dying with worry. Please return to the unit quickly; there's urgent business! We need to measure your height, weight, IQ, and prepare to send you to the Beijing Meat Union Factory. If you're late, we'll deduct half a month's feed!