Xu Jinglei's first love

Shandong Qihé Net Excerpt from Old Xu's Blog

My first love was an extremely failed experience. I met him in '89 or '90. At that time, I had just started high school and didn't have a personal understanding of love - everything I knew about it was from novels. In 1992, we started being together, though saying this is more my own wishful thinking. I should say that I thought we were together. This was my first real romance. He was 24 years old at the time, and I thought he was very mature and experienced.

I really don't know how to describe these almost two years. I can't even remember what he did for a living back then, but I truly loved him. It felt like time was ticking away second by second just for him. Seeing him once or getting a call from him was the whole meaning of life. I didn't even know how to act around him or how to be with him. During those few years, he would often disappear without a trace. No matter how many times I called, it was useless. When he finally showed up, he would just vaguely say: "I had something to do." During that year or so, we broke up and got back together countless times. When things were good, they were really good, and when they weren't, they were really bad. Until one time when I was dubbing, he called me and said he'd come pick me up in ten minutes. After that, he disappeared for three days - not at home, pager turned off, wallet left behind. I was frantic, falling into unprecedented fear.

When we met again, he said he wanted to break up, refusing to give any reason no matter what. And just like that, it ended. I don't want to describe my feelings after that.

A few years later, I saw him again, with his pregnant wife. Not long after our breakup, they got married. Their child must be quite big now. This is also why I said above that I don't know how to describe this event. I hope to be objective and thorough, expressing my own thoughts while also considering others' perspectives to some extent. But this is too exhausting.