Silver赫 - DongHae vs. Junsu
How long has it been since I last saw DongHae? When I finally saw him, only then did I dare to ask myself this question. One month, two months, three months... Since HanGeng left for half a year, it seemed like DongHae disappeared with him. Indeed, since the last activity of Super Junior-M, I haven't seen DongHae anymore. Because I promised Junsu's request and moved out with him. So to say, I was the one who first let go of DongHae's hand...
Last summer, DongHae gave me a slap. That day was very hot, but I was sweating cold sweat on the outdoor set because of that slap, as if suddenly making me realize many things. I don't remember the exact reason for our quarrel, most of which were about Junsu, or perhaps for KiBum. Anyway, we always argued around these two issues. What mattered was that slap, which broke the relationship between DongHae and me. Afterward, even though we were still together, I think he knew that because of that slap, I would no longer be the former Lee Hyuk.
I kept asking myself, does there exist a Kim Junsu between DongHae and me? Only after separating from DongHae did I realize that the answer wasn't in my heart. Because even if I told DongHae hundreds of times that the person I love is him, the most important person to me is him, in his heart, as long as there is Junsu, Junsu exists. So whatever I said was futile. I thought, Junsu probably understood this truth and thus decisively left YouTae.
That's right, simply put, it's not that I didn't let DongHae believe me, it's that he didn't want to believe me. Even though this sounds like I'm evading responsibility, it's a fact. In DongHae's eyes, there's no room for Junsu. But I... can't be without Junsu.
"HyeokJae, it's been a long time." Not long after Junsu and I sat down, I unexpectedly heard DongHae's greeting.
"Ahh?" I couldn't quite believe it. The DongHae in front of me was smiling brightly, as if we were still together.
"What are you saying, idiot? You moved out with Junsu and forgot about me?" He casually punched my shoulder.
"DongHae..." Junsu stood up a little awkwardly. The atmosphere around us also became somewhat tense; no one expected DongHae's behavior.
"What's with that expression? Are you not happy to see me?" DongHae pinched my face and teased me, "You're not still holding a grudge, are you? Alright, I admit that the slap I gave you last year was wrong, but aren't you being too petty?"
"Who... who's being petty?" I pushed away his hand resting on my face, "That happened ages ago, who remembers that? I... it's just been so long since I've seen you, so..."
I looked into his bright eyes but couldn't detect any abnormality. Could it be that he's living better with KiBum...
"Did you miss me? You disappeared as soon as I returned from China. You moved out with Junsu without even telling me, so I could have brought a housewarming gift."
"What kind of housewarming gift? It's just a small place..." Junsu still looked very awkward, "DongHae, if you'd like, you're welcome to visit anytime."
"That..."
"Brother..." KiBum grabbed onto DongHae's arm at some point.
"What?" DongHae's eyes immediately showed a look of tension, just like the first time he saw me after my car accident years ago. You and KiBum, indeed are not what you said—a simple relationship...
"Can we go back to our spot?" KiBum remained calm, inscrutable.
"Oh, okay." DongHae smiled at me again, then was led away by KiBum. I knew it, even if I let go of his hand, another pair of hands will hold him.
"HyeokJae, is DongHae too angry so..." Junsu whispered in my ear.
I don't know... I didn't answer him like this so as not to worry Junsu, I just smiled: "People always change, maybe DongHae and KiBum are the best match."
"Is that so... But why do I see reluctance on your face?" Junsu suddenly started roughly ruffling my hair.
"Hey! You sidekick, stop messing up my hairstyle!" I reciprocated with an equally rough ruffle.
"E~kia~kia~kia~"
...
I think, now perhaps all I need is to hear such laughter and I should learn to be content...
DongHae - SilverHae vs. KiBum
I've told myself many times that if I ever see HyeokJae again, I must let him know that I'm doing well. So today, I held KiBum's hand tightly, bringing my brightest smile, to meet everyone.
When I saw HanGeng, it was the last time I saw him in China. After that, apart from phone calls, I could only touch HanGeng's photos to miss him. HanGeng has gotten thinner, and the person beside him has become JaeJoong. I knew it, everything has changed, just like HyeokJae and me. Now, we can both laugh carelessly while holding someone else's hand. Yes, there's nothing to fear or worry about, so we laugh carelessly.
Everything has ended.
"HyeokJae, it's been a long time." Seeing HyeokJae and Junsu, I went up to greet them.
"Ahh?" HyeokJae's face showed disbelief, I liked seeing this expression, just like when I used to fool him before.
"What are you saying, idiot? You moved out with Junsu and forgot about me?" I slammed his shoulder hard. Remembering the day I returned from China, I saw HyeokJae's empty bed; he had moved out of the dormitory without saying goodbye to me... From that moment on, HyeokJae decided to forget me, right?
"DongHae..." Junsu's expression was like owing me a million dollars.
"What's with that expression? Are you not happy to see me?" I pinched HyeokJae's right cheek, as if I could still feel the warmth of the slap I left there, "Are you still holding a grudge? Alright, I admit that the slap I gave you last year was wrong, but aren't you being too petty?"
"Who... who's being petty?" He pushed my hand away, "That happened ages ago, who remembers that? I... it's just been so long since I've seen you, so..."
He looked at me with countless doubts, but I just smiled. I don't want, for this person, to let my smiles and tears bloom simultaneously again.
"Did you miss me? As soon as I returned from China, you disappeared. You moved out with Junsu without even telling me, so I could have brought a housewarming gift." I resisted the sourness rising to my nose and grabbed his collar.
"What kind of housewarming gift? It's just a small place..." Junsu was still very awkward, "DongHae, if you'd like, you're welcome to visit anytime."
"That..." Should I say "good" or "not good"?
"Brother..." KiBum appeared next to me at some point.
"What?" I turned my face and saw KiBum's pale complexion. Behind him, SeoWon had already entered with SiCher at some point.
"Can we go back to our spot?" KiBum's voice was weak.
"Oh, okay." I smiled at HyeokJae again, do you know, I hate you to the point where all I have left is this smile... From the moment you left me, I won't give you anything other than a smile...
"KiBum, are you alright?" The next second, my attention couldn't stay on HyeokJae anymore because I noticed KiBum's forehead was covered in cold sweat.
"Is Brother alright?" KiBum just looked meaningfully at me.
"What are you talking about?" I avoided his gaze.
"I'm sick, Brother is also sick..."
"..."
"E~kia~kia~kia~" Familiar laughter suddenly came from the opposite side. I helplessly curved my lips habitually, but my peripheral vision collided with YooTae at the door. I know what YooTae is looking at and thinking about, because we're the same. Knowing clearly that we'll lose completely, yet naively believing that perhaps time and distance can change everything. Such adventures ultimately make us taste bitter fruits, losing even our hearts.
"I'm not sick, I've recovered from the illness." Grabbing KiBum's hand, I knew I smiled again. "Loving HyeokJae was a serious illness."
Yes, I'm not sad, I'm not sad at all, because Lee HyeokJae is the source of my sadness, and now, he has left me.
SEVEN
Old Love vs New Love with YooSoo
YooTae - Junsu vs YunHo
"E~kia~kia~kia~"
How long has it been since I last heard this laughter? As soon as I entered, I saw this scene. Junsu was in HyeokJae's embrace, laughing uncontrollably. My silly peach, truly only in Lee HyeokJae's arms can you laugh so happily...
"YooTae, what are you thinking about?" YunHo-ssi turned to look at me, and I realized I had been frozen at the entrance.
"Nothing." I smiled and greeted everyone.
"You've come." JaeJoong-ssi saw me and smiled gently.
"Um." But deep inside, I felt extremely guilty. I know about the issue between YunHo-ssi and JaeJoong-ssi, there's HanGeng-ssi, and then there's me.
"Why aren't you speaking? Trying to act profound like YunHo?" JaeJoong-ssi patted my shoulder, and at the same moment, I distinctly felt that the direction of the laughter suddenly quieted down. Turning around, I naturally met Junsu's gaze, then we both quickly looked away. We've always been like this, acting as if nothing happened while doing TVXQ activities.
"How's Brother's body?" I reached out to hold JaeJoong-ssi's hand.
"It's fine, HanGeng takes very good care of me." JaeJoong-ssi's expression looked very happy.
"Brother..." Suddenly, I wanted to cry, "Will you... come back?"
"I am here, am I not..." JaeJoong-ssi's smile stiffened upon seeing my eyes. I think he understands what I mean. The "come back" I mentioned refers to coming back to YunHo-ssi's side.
"Park YooTae, do you think you're some kind of saint? Letting Junsu go, and letting YunHo go as well?" There was rare anger in JaeJoong-ssi's eyes, "Being with YunHo, staying well, that's what you should do."
"Brother..."
"I came back to TVXQ, not to hear words like these from you." JaeJoong-ssi turned his back to me, "YooTae, we can never go back."
Yes, we can never go back, but when did it start? Was it when Junsu first argued with me over YunHo-ssi's matters and ran off to find HyeokJae, or when he and Lee HyeokJae talked for 2 hours on international calls which I snatched? Or was it when Junsu first cried to me saying he merely wanted to care about HyeokJae, or when I first cried to him saying, 'Look at how I feel when you and YunHo-ssi are together, it's exactly how I feel when you and HyeokJae are together'?
In fact, love is a very simple thing. You give love, I accept; I give love, you accept. This way, we can happily live on forever. If I had understood this principle in the past, I wouldn't have kept interrogating Junsu endlessly, and perhaps the love between Junsu and me wouldn't have been accompanied by so much unnecessary pain. But I only understood this principle after being with YunHo-ssi. So Junsu, you are destined to be a regretful wound for me, a wound I no longer wish to try again.
"HyukJae, pass me a cup." At the beginning of the banquet, I heard Junsu's familiar voice. I saw him pour a glass of soju in front of him, and my nerves immediately tightened.
Junsu absolutely cannot drink soju. Alcohol affects him, making him very uncomfortable and even affecting his condition the next day. Ever since I found out that Junsu couldn't drink alcohol, I've been supervising him. Whenever there's a gathering, even if his glass contains only drinks, I repeatedly remind and confirm.
"Cheers everyone!" JungSoo-ssi raised his glass, and everyone stood up, seemingly none noticing that Junsu's glass contained alcohol.
"Cheers!" He shouted along, then glanced at the soju with a determined expression.
"No!" An unknown force made me reach out and snatch Junsu's glass, "Lee HyukJae, how are you taking care of Junsu?! Don't you know Junsu can't drink soju?!"
The table immediately fell silent, everyone awkwardly looking at me. And I, stared fixedly at HyukJae.
"That..." HyukJae seemed flustered, but the following words greatly surprised me, "Don't you know that Junsu can drink now?"
"What are you saying?" I thought I misheard, I personally witnessed Junsu's reaction after drinking.
"I've learned how to drink." Junsu calmly took the glass from my hand.
"Yeah, this guy, vomited many times but insisted on learning. Now, drinking two cups isn't a problem," HyukJae laughed helplessly.
"Junsu has grown up..." JongWoon-ssi joked to ease the tension.
At this moment, I suddenly realized that the self-indulgent person was always me alone. Junsu went to HyukJae's side, even changing habits. Or perhaps, that's Junsu's true self, and I was the one forcing restrictions on him.
Sitting down with cold hands and feet, I felt another warmth covering my hand. Turning my head, it was YunHo-ssi's slightly helpless smile. Junsu is already with someone else, why should I still care so much? Perhaps I should do as JaeJoong-ssi said, stay well with YunHo-ssi, that's what I should do.
Junsu - YooTae vs SilverHae
I really hate myself, why can't I learn to be numb? Even though it's been a long time since embracing YooTae, even though it's been a long time since talking to YooTae, I still get stabbed in the chest whenever our gazes unintentionally meet.
Park YooTae, who let go of each other's hands first?
Moving out with HyukJae, I thought about it for a long time. I didn't consult anyone, because when I wanted to ask someone, I realized that such a person couldn't coexist with my thoughts. YunHo-ssi, should be my rival, right? JaeJoong-ssi, just as frazzled as me; JongWoon-ssi, far water doesn't quench near thirst; DongHae, I'm not that stupid; and ChangMin, I don't want to make my only good younger brother furrow his brows again. You see, because of our affairs, ChangMin has become increasingly silent. He no longer scolds us, nor does he laugh anymore.
When I was packing my luggage, YooTae and YunHo-ssi drove out again. There were only JaeJoong-ssi and ChangMin at home. JaeJoong-ssi tried to stop me, saying the Beijing concert was coming up soon, at least wait until after the concert. But what's the point of waiting longer? The relationship between YooTae and me won't improve at all. I think this is a fact we both clearly understand. JaeJoong-ssi insisted on not letting me go, but then ChangMin pulled him back, saying "Let Junsu-ssi go," and at that moment, JaeJoong-ssi suddenly started crying in front of me. I hadn't seen his tears for many years, but I still didn't turn back.
On the first night of moving to the new house, YooTae came to see me. In the empty house, YooTae hugged me and cried. He said, "Junsu, I love you so much," he said, "Junsu, please don't leave me," I didn't push him away, but neither did I shed tears. I said, "Park YooTae, your love makes me very tired," the moment the words left my mouth, I felt him slowly loosening his grip on me. Turning around, I saw HyukJae standing at the door with luggage in hand. Yes, I thought there was no need to say more, YooTae also knew how our story would end.
Then, I began to get used to life without YooTae, or rather, I began to return to the life that belonged to Junsu and HyukJae. Although I still participate in TVXQ activities and must still see YooTae, for some reason, because of HyukJae, I feel much lighter. I think this is the life I want, life shouldn't only revolve around the person you love the most, and no one will truly be unable to live without someone. Moreover, teary-eyed YooTae, perhaps should find someone who can take care of him, instead of finding someone to take care of.
"HyukJae, pass me a cup." Since learning to drink, I discovered that alcohol is truly a good thing.
"Cheers everyone!" JungSoo-ssi raised his glass, and everyone stood up.
"Cheers!" I followed along. If it were before, YooTae would surely jump out to stop me from drinking this stuff, but now...
"No!" Suddenly, the glass was snatched away, followed by a familiar voice, "Lee HyukJae, how are you taking care of Junsu?! Don't you know Junsu can't drink soju?!"
The table immediately fell silent, everyone awkwardly looking at YooTae. And he stared fixedly at HyukJae, that look instantly made my heart race wildly.
"That..." HyukJae seemed flustered, "Don't you know that Junsu can drink now?"
"What are you saying?" YooTae's face was full of disbelief.
"I've learned how to drink." I feigned calmness and took the glass from his hand.
"Yeah, this guy, vomited many times but insisted on learning. Now, drinking two cups isn't a problem," HyukJae laughed helplessly.
"Junsu has grown up..." JongWoon-ssi joked to ease the tension.
I didn't say anything more, just sipped a small mouthful of soju. Spicy, actually, I don't like this taste at all. But there won't be anyone stopping me from drinking anymore, won't be anyone stopping me from swinging my legs ungracefully on TV shows, won't be anyone leaning on my shoulder and talking to me about English that they themselves have almost forgotten. Just like JongWoon-ssi said, I've grown up, I should rely on myself to live.
Thinking about it, it seems like I was the one who first let go of YooTae's hand...
EIGHT
Old Love vs New Love with SourceFan
SiWon - KiBum vs HeeChul
From the moment I became conscious, I devoutly believed in God. I believed that love is the greatest thing in this world, and I believed that as long as I persisted, there would be nothing I couldn't accomplish. However, after KiBum appeared, my faith of twenty years began to waver bit by bit.
Now I am 24 years old, I should be more steadfast, more mature, and more understanding of cherishing and loving than when I was young. But ever since KiBum said a year ago that we should break up, I started to resemble HeeChul-ssi more and more.
There is nothing eternal in this world, only endless variables and incomprehensible human hearts, so I believe in nothing. This is something HeeChul-ssi often says. I always thought HeeChul-ssi was too pessimistic, but when facing those loves and separations, I realized that I was too optimistic.
When breaking up, KiBum said that I lived a life of privilege, fundamentally just a spoiled young master who had never endured hardships, always looking down on others from a lofty position. Therefore, I would never understand what ordinary feelings were. To KiBum, my love seemed like charity, because he himself was a closed-off person, so my sympathy compelled me to care for him and protect him. But similarly, I would do this for any person worthy of sympathy, such as HanGeng-ssi who once struggled alone, or HeeChul-ssi who later became increasingly lonely. And KiBum, he didn't want to be one of them.
I never thought KiBum would think this way, but at that moment, I suddenly began to understand HeeChul-ssi's words. Variables, incomprehensible human hearts, nothing eternal, these probably refer to such situations. Even if I didn't understand why variables existed, even if I couldn't comprehend KiBum's heart when he turned away, even if all the eternity I prayed for disappeared in an instant. I didn't ask KiBum to turn back, because over the years, I also began to understand the problems between KiBum and me. It's not that I'm unwilling to give, but he never tells me what he needs. Therefore, in this game of guessing hearts, I gradually became exhausted. It's like KiBum holding a piece of candy in his hand, I repeatedly tried to open his hand, switching from left to right, and right to left, and finally got the candy, only to discover that it wasn't a piece of candy at all. I was doing all this work in vain, so all I tasted was bitterness.
"KiBum, what's going on with you, why are you so thin? Not eating?" As soon as I entered, I saw this scene, HanGeng-ssi had KiBum in his arms.
"Brother is the same." KiBum loosely hugged HanGeng-ssi's waist, that sense of peace seemed to have never appeared around me.
"Not the same, you're pathologically thin. Where's DongHae? I'll ask DongHae what's going on with you."
"I'm not sick, Brother, do you forget that I often work out?" KiBum said, but his eyes inadvertently met mine. Only then did I see KiBum's face.
HanGeng-ssi wasn't wrong at all, KiBum's thinness made him look frail. How long has it been since I last saw him? It's only been a few months, how could it be like this? HeeCh