Today, I was riding a bicycle with my girlfriend sitting on the back. On the way, the chain fell off. I pulled the bike to the side of the road and squatted down to fix it, getting my hands all dirty. At that moment, there was a long red light. A BMW 730 next to us rolled down its window, and inside was my girlfriend's ex-boyfriend... He stared at us for a few seconds and asked her if she regretted her decision. My girlfriend smiled and told him: "What your dad gave you, we will have too in the future."
When I was young, our family was poor, and my father bought a popcorn machine and went from street to street. Starting from the third grade, whenever I didn't have class, I would follow him around to collect money. We were disappointed when business was bad, and exhausted when it was good. According to local customs, on the second day of the second lunar month, people eat sugar beans, which later evolved into eating all kinds of popcorn. Every year during those days, business was especially good. The most memorable day was on the second day of February when I was in sixth grade. It was very cold, and I followed my father to another village to work and collect money. We didn't have dinner and were starving. A distant aunt saw my blackened face and realized I hadn't eaten, so she made instant noodles and brought them to me (which was considered a good thing back then). I was trembling as I held the bowl, deeply moved, but in the end, I accidentally broke it, and the noodles fell to the ground. In the cold wind, we continued working until midnight. My father's face had completely turned into what we now call a "black iron egg," and mine wasn't much better. Thinking about it now still makes me feel heartbroken.
Reflecting on a debate segment from last semester. The proposition team’s topic: “People live for others.” The opposition team’s topic: “People live for themselves.” This was the background.
The opposition asked the proposition: If you live for others, could you buy me a chicken leg? The proposition responded: "...Okay..." The opposition replied: "Then stop debating and go buy one now." The proposition: "..."
Every student was in their own state, no cutting. Main text: Why do officials love to say they are the children of the people?? Because they love to dig holes for their fathers...
During this summer vacation, I promoted milk sales by transporting a cartload of milk near my home. The price was 3.5 yuan for two bottles, but every day the urban management officers chased us like crazy...
That morning, I set up shop again at the intersection. Then an urban management officer on a small vehicle came over, and I immediately became nervous. The officer instructed me to move to the other side of the intersection. Alright, I had to relocate. After a while, the officer came again. I thought, didn't you tell me to set up here? So I confidently prepared to resist, but unexpectedly the officer asked how much I was selling for. I told her 3.5 yuan for two bottles. She asked me to get two bottles, and I happily fetched them for her, telling her there was no need to pay. The officer glared at me and said she wouldn't take advantage of me. She started to reach for her money, but ended up only having three yuan, not enough for the fifty cents change. I generously said, "Three yuan is fine, no problem." The officer gave me another glare and said, "Will you be here this afternoon? I'll pay you then." And then she left. I thought to myself, even without change, I could give it to her; if she doesn't want to pay, that's fine too. Whatever! But surprisingly, she really came back in the afternoon and handed me the fifty-cent coin gracefully. Later, I kept thinking, there are actually good urban management officers...
My grandma was worried that the heat of summer would attract mosquitoes to the garbage, so she put it in the fridge.
Last night, I rode my bicycle to take my girlfriend home. When we arrived, we realized her bag was missing, and all our phones and wallets were inside. We thought it might have fallen out of the basket unnoticed along the way. We retraced our steps but couldn't find it. Just then, we encountered two auxiliary police officers on the roadside and wanted to borrow their phones to call ours, but they said they didn't have any phones, only walkie-talkies...(Do you believe that? Whether you believe it or not, I do...) Later, a young couple passed by and lent us their phone, but once we called, it got hung up immediately. Our hearts sank. Then we remembered I had another rarely used phone in the office, so we went back to get it and continued calling. Miraculously, it rang through, and the sister who found our bag returned it to us without hesitation... She explained she didn't answer earlier because it was an unfamiliar number. Sigh, there are still many good people in the world.
A male colleague told his son, who was over two years old but still not very articulate: Come on, call your Uncle Cui!
Son: Cui... Your Uncle Cui...
Male colleague, embarrassed: Not "Cui your uncle," but "your Cui uncle!" Come on, call!
Son: Cui... Cui your uncle Cui...
I work at a private hospital, a fact everyone knows by now. What I want to say is that I've been feeling quite passionate lately.
1. Recently, I keep encountering patients who get aroused during circumcision surgery. Please, with anesthesia, you shouldn't feel anything! What are you thinking?
2. The other day, a patient told me I looked very charming and asked for my phone number! Damn, you must have some arousal disorder! Asking for my f*cking number!
3. Yesterday, the dean chatted with me and subtly inquired why I don't have a girlfriend yet, offering to introduce me to someone. These things are normal, but damn, do you have to use that tone and that look?! All I do is touch penises all day, and now I'm being accused of being gay?
An observation from a long-distance bus ride:
Background: Beijing-Datong long-distance bus. In front of me sat a couple with a child, probably returning from a Beijing trip. As soon as they boarded, the mother started talking nonstop, loudly and boastfully.
Throughout the journey, the mother said extremely uninformed things:
As the bus passed Suzhou Street (a place name in Beijing, near the Third Ring Road), the father noticed the sign and said, "Suzhou Street, we've just reached the Third Ring." The mother loudly corrected him, "Not the Third Ring, this is the Fifth North Ring! Have you ever been to Beijing?"
Passing Renmin University's "Hui Xian Building," the mother asked what it was called. "Xian Building?" the father guessed. "Should be Hui." The mother retorted, "No, don't you understand? Hui is not written like that; it's 'three dots water and Guang.'"
As the bus reached the Fifth North Ring and passed a cluster of villages with flat-roofed houses, the mother shouted, "Look! These are siheyuans (traditional courtyard houses)! Beijing people live in these shabby houses, yet they're worth tens of millions. Sigh!"
Passing Jili University (a private university), the mother commented, "Jili University? This must be a private school, probably teaching car repair. Jili must be rich..."
Seeing a passing S350 Mercedes-Benz with a prominent logo, the mother asked her husband, "What kind of car is this?" The father glanced and said, "Pajero." The mother disagreed, "No, that's not the logo. Look again!" The father studied the emblem and said, "Mitsubishi."
She quizzed her child, "Mommy asks you, is the tree moving or is the car moving? Let me tell you, the car is moving. That's Einstein's theory of relativity."
Sister, if you don't know, just don't say it. No one will criticize you, but spreading misinformation like this can confuse the child.
I have a college classmate who often exhibits strange behavior.
1. One day, he was scolded fiercely by a teacher. After leaving the office building, he encountered a dog and glared at it angrily, shouting, "You f*cking son of a bitch!" The dog innocently looked back at him as if to say, "It's a fact..."
2. Once, while reciting in the hallway of the Arts Building, he suddenly stuck out his tongue to imitate how dogs cool down, resulting in a long string of saliva dripping down.
Just as students were leaving class, they saw him and asked, "What's wrong with this person?" "He's crazy!"
3. The classmate brought back a dog, excitedly holding it and running around, bathing and feeding it. Then he placed the dog on his bed, whereupon the dog appropriately peed on it...
4. A female classmate lamented about gaining weight. He kindly consoled her, "You haven't gained weight; you don't even have much meat on you. All I see are bones." The girl jumped up and yelled, "You're the cheap bones, and your whole family are cheap bones!"
His girlfriend standing nearby felt immense pressure...
5. Once caught skipping class, the teacher questioned him the next day.
"Did you know it was a required course?"
"Yes."
"Then why didn't you attend?"
"Elective courses are optional breaks; required courses are mandatory breaks."
"You... Get out..."
6. In his first year of college, he developed a crush on a pure-hearted girl. After two years of planning, he began pursuing her in his third year...
On the girl's birthday, he took her out for dinner, watched movies, and various high moments. Back at school, he held her hand and asked, "Will you be my girlfriend?"
The girl blushed and remained silent. "Will you or won't you? Just say yes already!"
"Yes."
Overjoyed, he returned to the dormitory and told his roommate, who proceeded to beat him up, saying, "Are you stupid? Don't you know how to make her nod? Girls never say 'yes' directly!"
Later, when discussing this with his girlfriend, he asked if she was moved by his charm. The girl replied, "You wouldn't let me leave until I agreed, right?"
In my senior year of high school, one noon my older brother (one year older than me, same grade but different schools) came to the school to find me. We had lunch together, and after that, we climbed to the rooftop of the school. We opened a box of Budweiser beer. I don't know whether it was the deep bond between us or the frustration of senior year, but after finishing the entire box, both of us were drunk. I looked up and saw a row of sparrows and pigeons on the roof edge on the left, and a row of magpies on the right. I pointed them out to my brother and wondered aloud, "Why are they standing so neatly? Is something good going to happen?" Then the preparatory bell rang, and I was about to return to the classroom. My brother said he felt dizzy and wanted to wash his face. Worried that he might be too drunk, I accompanied him. While he washed, I stood beside him and noticed the sink shaking. I asked my brother, "Am I shaking, or is the sink shaking?" My brother said it was definitely because I drank too much, and he was also a bit shaky. After washing, we prepared to return to the classroom, but found no one inside. We wondered if classes had already started? I took out my phone to call, but the network was too busy to connect. Half-sober, I thought, if there's no one, how could the network be busy? Was it haunted? At this point, I heard a loudspeaker announcement downstairs. Looking down, I saw everyone on the playground. I wondered if there was some large event I forgot about. Running downstairs, a girl I liked half-crying asked me where I had been and that she was worried about me. Confused, I asked why. She said, "There was an earthquake, didn't you feel it?" You guessed it, that day was 5/12. I finally understood why the birds lined up, why everything shook, why there were no people and no signal—it was the earthquake! I tried calling my parents immediately, but it took half an hour to finally get through. Luckily, the earthquake wasn't severe where we were.
Whenever people commemorate 5/12, they talk about how they felt and what they were doing at the time. Only I remain silent. If someone asks, I can only say, "I was drunk that day and didn't feel a thing..."
One day while walking on the street, I suddenly saw a beautiful woman ahead with a white T-shirt. On the back, in big letters, it read "LOOK." Finding it interesting, I ran after her to see what she looked like. When I caught up, I was shocked to discover that on the front of her shirt, it said "DON'T.. DON'T.."
Alright, I was confused..
On the day of my friend's wedding, I was accompanying her. Her makeup was done, her wedding dress was on, and she was sitting quietly in the room waiting for the groom to arrive. Such a beautiful scene. Suddenly, she said she needed to use the restroom—her teacher had always said that classic literature reflects the diversity of life, including the more intimate needs. Wearing a wedding dress to the restroom obviously couldn't be done alone, so I accompanied her, squeezing into the toilet. We both squatted face-to-face. It was a hot July day, and I had to hold and support the dress while trying not to breathe, unable to cover my nose with my hands. Feeling somewhat annoyed, I said, "Why use the restroom before getting married?" She matter-of-factly replied, "I'm getting married, not ascending to heaven!"
I've long been looking forward to joining a certain company, and today they sent me an offer. Excited, I immediately called Mom. Here's how the conversation went:
Me: "Mom, Mom, I've been hired."
(Because I was still handling procedures at the old unit, I spoke very softly.)
Mom: "What?! Are you pregnant?!"
Sweating, I said, "No, I've been hired."
(Laughing while explaining)
Mom: "Oh, don't cry then."
(Is my laughter really similar to crying?)
...After about 10 minutes of vague explanations...
Leaving the company, I couldn't help but ask, "Sister, what kind of ears do you have? How can 'hired' sound like 'pregnant'? What were you thinking?"
Mom: "Dear, that's not nice. No matter what, I'm still your elder sister~!"
(Sweat)
Mom, what's wrong with you today?
Yesterday, since I wasn't working, I stayed at home playing with the Three Kingdoms puzzle game. Mom walked over and said that three people had come to propose marriage to me today.
I expressed that I was only 22, still young, and didn't want to start matchmaking yet. I told Mom I wanted to find someone on my own. She listed all sorts of reasons why matchmaking was beneficial and hoped I could find someone early, then date for two or three years before getting married.
I casually picked up the puzzle game and told her, "If you can solve the Cao Cao escape puzzle, I'll go on one date."
For over three hours, Mom wrestled with the puzzle, occasionally cheating a little, but still couldn't solve it.
Finally giving up, she threw the puzzle aside and said, "If you won't go matchmaking and won't go out, where are you going to meet men? I'm not raising an old maid!"
Mom, how am I supposed to feel?!
On the weekend, I visited my girlfriend's house. After lunch, her mother pretended to leave for her grandparents' place, and her father also said he would go along. Her mother asked, "Why are you coming?" Her father replied, "What should I do here... staying here doing nothing..."
We silently watched as they left one after the other. Usually, this isn't the climax, but the real twist came five minutes later when my girlfriend received a text message: "Be safe... stay safe..."
Wow, how well do your parents know our needs!
With the summer break, there are more children in the hospital. Changing their bandages turns the department into a living hell.
I could only threaten them: "If you keep crying, I'll call your teacher and bring the whole class of girls to see you. Do you believe me?"
Because of this, I've been rated as the most vicious and brutal nurse.
I've long been looking forward to joining a certain company, and today they sent me an offer. Excited, I immediately called Mom. Here's how the conversation went:
Me: "Mom, Mom, I've been hired."
(Because I was still handling procedures at the old unit, I spoke very softly.)
Mom: "What?! Are you pregnant?!"
Sweating, I said, "No, I've been hired."
(Laughing while explaining)
Mom: "Oh, don't cry then."
(Is my laughter really similar to crying?)
...After about 10 minutes of vague explanations...
Leaving the company, I couldn't help but ask, "Sister, what kind of ears do you have? How can 'hired' sound like 'pregnant'? What were you thinking?"
Mom: "Dear, that's not nice. No matter what, I'm still your elder sister~!"
(Sweat)
Mom, what's wrong with you today?
Yesterday, since I wasn't working, I stayed at home playing with the Three Kingdoms puzzle game. Mom walked over and said that three people had come to propose marriage to me today.
I expressed that I was only 22, still young, and didn't want to start matchmaking yet. I told Mom I wanted to find someone on my own. She listed all sorts of reasons why matchmaking was beneficial and hoped I could find someone early, then date for two or three years before getting married.
I casually picked up the puzzle game and told her, "If you can solve the Cao Cao escape puzzle, I'll go on one date."
For over three hours, Mom wrestled with the puzzle, occasionally cheating a little, but still couldn't solve it.
Finally giving up, she threw the puzzle aside and said, "If you won't go matchmaking and won't go out, where are you going to meet men? I'm not raising an old maid!"
Mom, how am I supposed to feel?!
On the weekend, I visited my girlfriend's house. After lunch, her mother pretended to leave for her grandparents' place, and her father also said he would go along. Her mother asked, "Why are you coming?" Her father replied, "What should I do here... staying here doing nothing..."
We silently watched as they left one after the other. Usually, this isn't the climax, but the real twist came five minutes later when my girlfriend received a text message: "Be safe... stay safe..."
Wow, how well do your parents know our needs!
During the summer break, there are more children in the hospital. Changing their bandages turns the department into a living hell.
I could only threaten them: "If you keep crying, I'll call your teacher and bring the whole class of girls to see you. Do you believe me?"
Because of this, I've been rated as the most vicious and brutal nurse.
The first time I had sex with my wife, she was still a virgin, and we were both very excited. We did all the foreplay, and just as we were about to start, my wife looked at me with dazed eyes and said, "Your teeth are so straight." I instantly lost my erection and couldn't get it back up... What a fucking day!
During the summer break, I returned home and practiced abstinence with my boyfriend. We couldn't stand it anymore, but there was nothing we could do! The key issue was that we weren't in different places; it was just that our small city was full of acquaintances! We were afraid of being seen at KFC!!! We were almost driven mad!!! In the cold drink hall's private room, I gave him oral pleasure, and he enjoyed it so much that he was grabbing me!! What about me??? What a fucking day!
Am I a pervert? Whenever I smell women passing by, I almost orgasm... What a fucking day!
It has been over a year and a half since I broke up with my girlfriend, and I often think about our past sexual encounters. I remember one time in the school restroom, it was very clean and hardly anyone went there. In the middle of it, someone came in, and we froze in fear, not daring to breathe. Later, we realized they were also there for a quickie... What a fucking day!
Why do I never reach orgasm during sex with my husband, but using my hands feels great? Now I prefer masturbation to having sex. What a fucking day!
On Sunday morning, I woke up close to 10 AM, wearing only a strapless tank top. Leaning over my still-sleeping husband to grab the TV remote, I was suddenly grabbed by him on my big boobs. He said, "Wife, I'm so hungry, let me have some boobs for breakfast," and lifted my tank top to start nibbling. "How hungry are you, you stinky husband!" What a fucking day!
Years ago, I was on a date with my first boyfriend and we took the bus. There was only one seat, so I sat on his lap. Later, I noticed something hard in his pants pocket. I asked him what it was, but he ignored me and stood aside. I poked it with my finger and got angry, "You're smoking again, and you're carrying a lighter!" He didn't explain and walked to the front. The people around us smirked at me. This incident he never explained until we broke up... Later, one day, I suddenly understood... What a fucking day!
I've secretly been using a vibrator without my husband knowing, and I've hidden it pretty well. Today, my daughter found it, and my husband happened to see it. He didn't say anything. Later, I asked my daughter what she was looking for, and she said, "I'm looking for a jacket to wear." I was stunned—it's 35 degrees Celsius outside! What a fucking day!
On the last bus of the day, I saw a woman lying on a man's legs sleeping. The bus jolted, and her head moved up and down on his legs. After a while, the woman woke up and wiped her mouth with a tissue. I naively thought maybe she drooled in her sleep. However, 40 minutes later, a large group of people got on the bus, and the man calmly zipped up his pants... I sat behind them and watched for 40 minutes... I was shocked! What a fucking day!
Excited, excited! What a fucking day!
When I was a kid, we had a puppy at home. One day in the yard, I scratched its belly, and it wriggled around happily. Suddenly, I saw something like a sausage sticking out from its belly (you know what it was, its penis). Innocent as I was, I was shocked and thought the dog had such a big worm in its stomach and wouldn't live long. Determined to save it, I grabbed a piece of paper and continued scratching its belly. When the "sausage" came out again, I firmly grabbed it and pulled, muttering, "I'm performing surgery on you to save you, little doggy." Later, I heard the dog's painful cries, and then I got bitten... Now, I finally know what it was, little doggy, I'm sorry... What a fucking day!