When I woke up, there was no trace of the dream. I got to know Gao Jian after reading his post on BBS. I never expected to find someone who shared my circumstances on such an ordinary website. From the very beginning, the distance between us was subtly narrowed. Gao Jian said his girlfriend Shan would soon get her green card in the US, and he would go see her soon. My boyfriend Kai's study in France was also about to end. The deadline that Gao Jian and I set was slowly approaching. In fact, in every conversation between Gao Jian and me, I could feel the ungraspable uneasiness from each other's words. Recently, I haven't received any word from Kai. This spatiotemporal distance has made me more aware. But even people who never dream sometimes have a侥幸 mentality. When I sent my salary to Kai every month, my sister said I was a fool that couldn't be found even with a lantern in this era. The last call I received from Kai was in October. He said he would come back to see me at the New Year. At the end of the century, it seemed like everyone carried some kind of emotion, but my mood was surprisingly calm, as if the long-awaited answer to a riddle had lost its charm to move the heart when finally revealed. Besides going to the supermarket to buy food, cleaning the house, I chatted with Gao Jian online.
Finally, the New Year party arrived, and I didn't receive a call from Kai. I calmly and gracefully greeted every friend that my sister invited. Among them, my sister was especially enthusiastic towards Feng, who was her senior in university. About twenty-eight or twenty-nine years old, his well-fitted suit made him look more profound and steady. Feng's personality was somewhat reserved, even rigid, and chatting with him was actually very boring for me. As the clock approached midnight, I began to feel inexplicably nervous. I didn't hear what Feng said, and I pretended to get water by the table so I could walk near the phone.
When people inside the house started cheering and clinking glasses, the ringing of the phone was drowned out in this atmosphere. That wasn't the sound I wanted to hear; it was Gao Jian's greeting. I thought no one would notice my expression while I answered the phone, but unexpectedly, I met Feng's gaze when I turned around. My eyes must have betrayed my feelings. I continued to help my sister entertain the guests, feeling extremely exhausted.
Gao Jian proposed meeting me at the teahouse on the first day of the New Year. He told me that the person he most wanted to see before he left was me. I showed up as agreed. A bunch of elegant lilies, a cup of clear tea, and Gao Jian's easygoing, humorous laughter made me suddenly have a wicked thought: I hoped he wouldn't go to America, and I hoped Kai could see us together. Although I didn't mention anything about me and Kai, when Gao Jian saw me home, I knew my disappointment was clearly written all over my face. Under the dazzling city lights, parting sadness easily evoked a kind of emotion. Gao Jian hugged me, and I felt the powerful warmth and security he brought me, without burden and without return. I looked down and saw our shadows leaning on each other, then slowly separating...
That night, I couldn't sleep. I muttered to myself online like many neurotics I once despised. I accidentally discovered a name that had always been silent. I stared at him, and he was also looking at me. We observed each other as if we could read each other's eyes. By intuition, I knew it must be Gao Jian. After a long silence, he finally spoke. He asked if I wanted him to go to America? I didn't answer. He talked about many things related to Shan, many things about himself that he had never mentioned before. His words were a bit messy and ambiguous. I didn't answer, and throughout the conversation, I only used that pale smile to wish him a smooth journey. Gao Jian went offline. Before leaving, he told me that if I came to the airport to see him off tomorrow, he would stay.
The next day, I sat on the sofa, facing the clock on the wall with nothing to think about. The doll that Kai gave me sat on the bedhead still smiling indifferently at me. Kai once said the doll's smile was very much like mine. I took out the sun-colored long skirt in the cabinet, restless. I didn't know whether I was hoping for Kai's return or wanted to see Gao Jian's back at the airport.
In the evening of that day, I finally received a letter from Kai, a letter filled with self-reproach for not fulfilling his promise. I didn't finish reading it. I thought that on that day, I simultaneously lost two people I loved.
On a cool morning, when I was about to tell Feng about the dream I had, Feng was already in a hurry, stuffing bread into his mouth while grabbing his file folder to get ready for work. He had no interest in listening to my dream. Before he went out, he hurriedly came over and kissed my head to apologize. I continued indulging in my reverie.
Finally, the clock on the wall rang, and I had to hastily pile the dishes on the kitchen table. Just as I was about to grab my bag and go out, I clearly saw the doll's real smile under the sunlight on the table. Who gave it to me? I was a little confused.
The car horn downstairs was particularly grating. The wheels rolled over the road, crushing the dreams lingering in the hearts of urban people from last night. Dreams always flash and vanish without a trace. I didn't have time to think about it, and hurriedly squeezed onto the bus, seeing people on the bus start their daily situational chatter.
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