"Haiti Bids for 2216 Olympics in 'Coldest News'"

Haiti is currently preparing its bid for the 2216 Olympics, with the Haitian government stating that the capital Port-au-Prince will be the most suitable venue. The Haitian government has said it will develop the country's economy, culture and infrastructure over the next 207 years to show to the world.

"This will be the greatest Olympics in the history of mankind," said Jean-Edouard Baker, chairman of Haiti's bidding committee standing beside a pile of burning tires. "As long as the Haitian currency does not depreciate due to inflation or government mismanagement causing instability in the development of Haiti over the next 200 years, 2216 will be Haiti's time."

According to Baker, future Port-au-Prince will build a high-speed rail system to make up for the lack of roads and elevated bridges. If lucky, the high-speed rail system could even be built directly to the Olympic Village. The Haitian government will also build an Olympic-standard aquatic sports center on a wasteland littered with abandoned cars. This is expected to take one to two centuries to raise enough food to feed the construction workers. Due to the local lack of water sources, all the water for the aquatic sports center will come from hurricane attacks.

The International Olympic Committee made a brief visit to the bidding site in Haiti on Monday. A banquet was held in a planned-for-demolition stadium. As the Haitian government submitted its application to the IOC, gunshots and screams from UN peacekeeping forces were heard outside the stadium. Local craftsmen also introduced and demonstrated at the banquet how to carve and dye Haitian local fruits into gold, silver, and bronze Olympic medals.

"Haiti has a long way to go to meet our standards," said Jacques Rogge, president of the International Olympic Committee. "In addition to improving environmental conditions, developing the financial sector, and quelling internal unrest, they need to do many things to establish their own sports facilities and hotel facilities."

"We will not make any decisions for the next 200 years," Rogge continued. "Although after seeing Haiti's first-hand materials, I can honestly say that Haiti faces fierce competition from Atlantis (yes, the one that has sunk)."