Yesterday after work, I don't know why, but I felt very depressed. After finishing a whole bottle of wine by myself, I didn't feel any better. I just lay there alone, thinking about the life I've lived so far, and those people I've wronged. I always feel like I've made some mistakes, but I can't face them.
1. When people leave, everything cools down. Once you tried to keep me, but I still gave up that kind of life. Maybe I was too impulsive, and in the end, I left without looking back. The consequence is that when conflicts arose among you, I wasn't there, and others didn't help reconcile you either. I think if I had been there at the time, I wouldn't have seen you like that. In the end, I never heard much from you again.
2. Living alone. When I arrived at another place, what I saw and heard made me realize that you were still the best. No one would scheme against me as they did there. During every holiday, we planned where to travel, although we often didn't make it, but we would still drink a little wine and chat. At first, I really thought there was no one to talk to, even though I wasn't mute yet, but it was almost the same. Gradually, it's not that I forgot you, but that I stepped out of your circle. It's also because you were all too busy to remember me. Helplessly, I played computer games alone. Just like staying at home, turning on the computer when I got up, and not wanting to turn it off when I went to bed, just letting it stay on, listening to the sound of the fan inside, feeling less lonely. It's like when I was a child, being alone at home, even if there was no favorite program, I would still turn on the TV. Now it's just like answering my father's question about how many channels we have at home. I haven't turned on the TV, so I don't know what channels or programs are available. That's how I spent my life alone.
3. Unexpected things. This year, when I came back to this place to look for a job, I told everyone that I wanted to find a job that gave holidays every week. Now I've found one, but only realized during the holidays that what I meant by having holidays was just to relax a bit. Life is not easy, why rush around? And all I want to do for fun is to turn on the computer and play games. Unfortunately, I didn't plan to bring my computer out, so now during holidays, I either lie in bed reading an addictive novel called "Campus All-Round Genius", then go to the internet cafe, which makes the days quite interesting. If I had thought about bringing my computer, I might as well have gone to work every day, since I do get holidays anyway, just more or less. I wouldn't have to be so troubled about what to do during holidays.
4. Blindly speaking. How long does it take to forget someone? As Xiao Xian said in "33 Days of Break-Up": I really wish he could tell me how long this period will last. But watching "Beijing Love Story" made me realize that it's not whether you can forget without you, but whether you want to forget. And now I don't even know if I want to forget or not. Blindly speaking: let it be, if it's destined to happen, it will happen, no matter what happened before.
5. Influence of dialogues. The movie "Intimate Enemies", I don't know why I watched it again, maybe I didn't get the gist at first, or I wanted to watch the HD version. I remember a lot of the plot, but if I use the question asked after watching the promotional video for the New Year's gathering, the most profound line in this movie is still the one Henry Ma sent in the email to the two protagonists at the end: Look at this picture, isn't it just that you love him, and he loves you. And during this year, I've just spent those monotonous days with my computer, encountering anything, posting opinions online, happy or unhappy, all posted. But I never posted about my own feelings. Opinions are about others, but talking about oneself is called life.
Relevant thematic articles: Life is not easy, why rush around?