I don't know if it's because I've been too obsessed with reading novels recently, or if I'm just exceptionally homesick, but I ended up having this little dream. It was truly a daydream~ In the dream, there was my brother who has always seemed to be around, an all-around campus expert; my grandma who still looked about 50 years old; and my humorous uncle. Our family seemed like we were always together.
Lanzhou, the place I've been away from for so many years, was still so familiar to me that I could confidently guarantee that there's no way I'd lose grandma. Yet, because of my stubbornness, I walked back to where I grew up as a child. The row of small shops at the building entrance had been demolished. On the dilapidated construction site, there were so many children waiting for me to come back. I felt somewhat lost and a bit nervous, wanting to escape...
Walking down a certain alley, there was an uncle selling bread. Mom said he's been selling there for many years and she used to love buying bread there when she was young. So, each of us chewed on it with great relish. At home, he had already become one of our family members. My younger brother had grown up and started bringing his girlfriend home. Mom was satisfied, which left me feeling somewhat at a loss because the girl seemed so deserving of criticism... Everyone was chatting happily in the living room. Only my uncle was coming in and out, and I kept bumping into him while carrying dishes to the table, splashing oil all over him... My sister accompanied me in the dining room, making me feel less lonely... The last time I bumped into my uncle, I mentioned that my brother's birthday was coming soon, and my uncle was very happy. I remembered my brother's birthday...
I like the kind of older brother like Xi Jue. His ambition is to be the one that no matter where everyone else is, they all know that in their hometown, he is always there. Once upon a time, didn't I think the same? Even in this little dream, only the brother deserves to play the role of the mainstay. He will always be there, taking me around every time I come home; but now, where is he? And in the future, where will he go?
For a long time, or even until now, I still admire my uncle's humor. Perhaps because I was afraid of him since I was young, I haven't learned any of it, and have kept my distance from him. Even in the dream, after I collided with him twice, I was still extremely nervous. Although in the dream, he humorously said something that made everything alright. But in reality, I can't even remember the last time I spoke with him, and I can't imagine what my uncle looks like now.
Every time Grandma talks to me about her age, I have this illusion that she is the kind of person who seems only 50 years old no matter how you look at her. She is someone who lives meticulously. I've seen Grandma's wardrobe; even the arrangement of the hangers is so neat and orderly. He once said, if there's a chance, he'll bring back a shark for Grandma because she definitely loves eating it. Who doesn't have such luck?
I don't know when it started, but I like to curl up in Xiao Pang's arms. It makes me feel particularly safe and grounded. From that angle, looking at his face, I can only see his prominent nose bridge and his mouth opening and closing. As a child, I also liked to look at Grandma this way, watching her talk and sing.
Mom says that if I had grown up in a complete family, maybe I wouldn't care so much about this elusive concept of security. Who knows? For more than 20 years, I've lived anxiously, adapting to circumstances, and have come this far. Who cares about those past things that may or may not have happened? Now, I'm fine, isn't that enough? But she thinks I've missed out on the happiness I should have had because of this mysterious sense of security... But who knows what the future holds?
I am the type of person who fears large families, or rather, I'm just too unaccustomed to dealing with a large family and all the interpersonal relationships involved. So, I have always refused gatherings with lots of people. However, I envy and yearn for those who have grown up in large families. They find it easier to trust the world, or rather, they don't doubt after believing...
Are we destined to leave home and soar high? But why? Why are our life trajectories so astonishingly similar?
That day on the plane, I saw a young couple with a very small child, and suddenly, I felt so sad. I don't want my future child to take this separation as something necessary and commonplace. I want him to stay by my side forever, just like I want to always stay by Mom's side...
What's wrong with me? After going home once, the result is that I miss home even more... Sigh, sigh...
One evening long ago, I asked Mom to help me check my palm lines, to see if I would be compatible with someone. In the end, Mom just said: You're a homesick child.
This article is excerpted from Xia Hua Literature Network.
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