61. When I was in college taking a first aid class, the professor was demonstrating CPR while explaining: "Press both hands on the chest, not too hard, press down 2-3 cm is enough, too much force can easily break the patient's ribs!" Then the professor demonstrated (pressing hard with both hands), and there was a crack! The rib of the model broke.
Embarrassedly said, class dismissed~
62. During a university field trip to Shenzhen, I was walking with classmates on the street when suddenly a male classmate walked to the side of the road, tapped a person on the shoulder and asked: "Big brother, may I ask..." Was he out of his mind? He actually asked an armed cash escort guard!! The guard might not have heard clearly, turned around, nervously holding his gun (big spray) pointing at him: "What do you want! What are you going to do!" My classmate, seeing the gun pointed at himself, scaredly said with a trembling voice: "Big brother, no other meaning, I just want to ask what time it is..."
... Everyone burst into laughter...
63. When I graduated from elementary school, I bought a graduation album that was full of evil because it said that for people born between January 20th and February 18th, their zodiac sign is - Water Jug!
For a long time afterward, whenever someone asked me what my zodiac sign was, I would say Water Jug!
64. After work one day, I was walking with a former colleague across the street toward the bus stop when we saw a man walking toward us. He stared at me for a while, and just as I was about to ask if he knew me, he looked at me and then vomited! Oh!~~
The man was drunk!
I was speechless, but my colleague laughed so hard. From then on, this incident became legendary...
My colleague would tell everyone, "XXX is so ugly that when the guy saw her, he threw up..."
65. Once, I needed to contact a classmate, but I didn't have his number saved in my phone. So I sent a text message to another classmate who knows him well: "Do you have XXX's phone number?" Then I waited patiently for a reply. Five minutes later, I finally received a reply and eagerly opened the message, only to see two big words: "Yes."
Helplessly, I had to send another text to this guy: "Then, could you please tell me?"
I continued waiting for five more minutes and received a reply. Eagerly opening the message again, I saw two more words: "Good."
66. When I first started university, I was very inexperienced. Once during class, the teacher asked us to present using PowerPoint. I had never used it before, and it was my turn to present first. I turned on the computer, but the projector didn't respond for a long time.
Some guys shouted from below: "Press F2, press F2!"
So I hesitated for a moment and asked: "Do I press both keys at the same time?"
67. An aunt who practiced driving with me once. One day, her husband rode a motorcycle with her back home. On the way, a man tried to stop them and said to them: "My car was stolen by the person ahead. Lend me your car to chase him." The aunt's husband ignored him and kept driving. The aunt sitting at the back said a sentence: "I lent you my car, what car will I use to chase you later?" - -
68. Recently, Company A issued salaries. Xiao A happily went to the finance room to collect his salary. However...
The accountant said: "You can come back later to collect your salary. I don't have any change right now."
69. The chemistry teacher was conducting an experiment with dilute hydrochloric acid and zinc. He prepared the test tube and poured some hydrochloric acid, waited for a long time, but there was no reaction. Puzzled, he called on a student to answer: "This student, can you explain why there are no bubbles forming?"
Student: "Teacher, you didn't add zinc!"
Teacher: "This student answered very well!"
(Feels a bit like Zhou Fu)
70. I bought a card holder. There's a pattern on it that looks like a chicken, but we're not sure if it's a chick. They mocked me saying I have no taste for buying such an ugly thing. I got very upset and loudly said, "What's wrong with chickens? Chickens have dignity too!" (At that time, I was really into saying 'XX also has dignity.')
After saying that, I realized everyone in the hall was looking at me...
71. In junior high school, the desks were two separate sets placed together. I had an argument with my male deskmate. Then I angrily bent my head to write my name on the homework book, and suddenly stood up to submit the homework. I saw my deskmate sitting on his small stool, hugging his small desk... The whole thing flipped over outward... I was stunned. I didn't know why, but he slowly struggled to get up from his desk chair, pitifully saying: "I thought you were going to hit me T.T..."
72. Once during PE class, the teacher came in with a serious face and announced: "Today, I need to criticize two students, one boy and one girl." A boy behind me muttered: "Adulterers!" The teacher loudly said, "I'm talking about you, and you with XX (another girl)~" The whole class burst into laughter~
73. A few days ago, I saw a news article online: Singer Han Xiao was arrested for drug use...
I was confused...
Why use drugs while smiling? Why does the news specifically point out that the drug user was smiling?
Later, I found out that Han Xiao is actually a singer...
74. While reaching into my pocket, I accidentally dropped a key without noticing. Later, I went back to look for it!
On the roadside, there was a young couple. The man suddenly got excited and said: "Whose is it? Whose is it?"
I thought it was the key and quickly said: "Mine, mine! It's mine"
Later, I found out that the woman was pregnant...
Poor my face... it hurt for several days
75. When I was young and ignorant, I had only seen my mother wear bras, so I assumed bras were exclusively hers. For a period of time, I would hold the clothes hanger and go to the yard every day to collect all the bras. The neighbor women would come to my house daily to claim their bras, and I would stubbornly guard the door and shout at them, "All of these are my mom's!"
76. When I was in elementary school, one night I had a dream where I was arguing with my dad, and I was so angry that I woke up.
When I woke up and saw my dad next to me, I was still furious, and I slapped him twice = =
77. News: Tong Dawei's wife gave birth to a daughter.
Comment: This Tong Dawei is truly remarkable.
78. Today is my birthday, and my girlfriend called early in the morning saying she would come to my place to celebrate my birthday and bring me a surprise! After hearing this good news, I worked extra hard today, visiting more than a dozen clients! Back at the company, it was already 3 PM, and when I looked at the cafeteria, there was only one dish and one soup left - stir-fried meat with three beans (stir-fried soybeans, green beans, and peas) and radish soup. With no choice, since I had been running around visiting clients all morning, my stomach was growling, so I ordered a large plate of stir-fried meat with three beans and a large bowl of radish soup and started eating. Unexpectedly, as it was nearing the end of the workday, my stomach felt like a jeep engine undergoing intense piston movement! Suddenly, bursts of gas forcefully rushed out of my body! I quickly ran to a place where no one was around. At first, my stomach was shyly humming softly, but soon it turned into a barrage of popping sounds! My stomach was so bloated! And just at that moment, my girlfriend called, saying she was already at home and asking me to hurry back. Sigh! No choice but to go home, hoping she wouldn't see my disheveled state!
On the way home, I deliberately let out a lot of farts. As I got closer to home, my stomach felt much better, and I thought there wouldn't be any more problems. From afar, I saw my girlfriend waiting by the door, looking a bit excited. She shouted loudly, saying, "Dear, tonight, I've prepared something very amazing for you, something that will surely surprise you!" Before we even entered the house, she tightly covered my eyes with a cloth, saying she wanted to give me a surprise! She led me to sit at the head of the dining table and made me promise not to peek. Suddenly, I felt the urge to fart again. Just at that moment, her phone rang. This saved my life! I made an excuse, saying I disliked the noise and asked her to take the call in another room! She insisted that I couldn't uncover the cloth covering my eyes and made me promise again! Only then did she go to another room to take the call.
As soon as she left, I seized the opportunity, shifted all my weight onto one leg, and let out the fart. This fart was not only loud but also smelled like rotten eggs. I almost couldn't breathe, so I grabbed the cushion and waved it vigorously around, trying to fan away the foul smell. Just as I started feeling a bit better, another fart came. I lifted my leg again and let it out! It sounded like a diesel engine rapidly spinning, and this time the smell was even worse. To avoid suffocating myself, I waved the cushion with my arm, hoping the smell would dissipate quickly. Again, just as everything was about to return to normal, another fart impatiently rushed out. So I stood up, bent over, and raised my butt upward and backward, letting it out. This fart was truly top-notch, even blowing the newspaper behind me onto the floor...
I listened carefully to the sound of my girlfriend talking in the other room. Since I had promised not to peek, I couldn't remove the eye covering, so I could only keep farting in the darkness, trying to quickly expel all the gas in my stomach without making the room smell worse! I unbuttoned my waistband, pulled down my underwear and pants to below my abdomen, exposed my butt, and fumbled to open the balcony door behind me, practically sticking my entire butt out onto the balcony, starting to fart wildly...
Ah! Much better now! After that, I danced around the room, waving the cushion everywhere, praying that this foul smell would quickly dissipate... Like this, in the next ten minutes or so, I kept farting and waving the cushion, until I heard her say goodbye on the phone, by which time the air in the room and my stomach had improved significantly! I quickly fastened my pants, tidied my hair, and began elegantly smiling while waiting for my dear one to surprise me.
When she approached, I wore a satisfied smile, looking tender. My girlfriend first apologized for being on the phone for so long, then asked if I had secretly uncovered the cloth. After I assured her I hadn't peeked, she removed the cloth covering my eyes and said to me, "Surprised? My female colleagues insisted I bring them to meet you today. They said you look dignified in photos and very handsome! Look, the five sitting at the table are all my good sisters from work, and the six standing on the balcony are my closest friends from school!"
Only then did I realize with great shock and fear that a group of girls were sitting opposite me at the table, and another group was standing on the balcony behind me. They had all come to attend this unexpected birthday party for me. Now, each of their faces wore an indescribable expression as they looked at me, as if they had discovered a Martian...
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1. Phoenix reborn is Nirvana, wild chicken reborn is corpse transformation.
2. Not only do I have a car, but it's self-propelled...
3. Occasionally saw the so-called modern women's criteria for choosing a spouse: "Have a car, have a house, parents deceased." Feeling depressed. Wrote down my fantasy criteria for choosing a wife: "Family wealth over hundreds of millions, beauty unmatched in the world, virtuous, gentle, sexy, father-in-law in the late stages of cancer..."
4. Sleep is an art - no one can stop my pursuit of art!
5. Thunder doesn't cover the ears of a thief; remain unchanged amidst changes; insignificant achievements; most cherished memories; wind and rain; how can one clean the world if one cannot sweep a single room; east sun rises west rain keeps falling; look up at the bright moon and wonder when it will appear; as dumb as a chicken feather mistaking it for an arrow; killing a chicken with a sledgehammer; revealing sharpness in youthful vigor; Wei Good Bye; Bakya Lu Ice Flower; a thousand miles of unrestrained joy sharing the moonlight...(this one feels the most powerful)
6. If happiness is fleeting clouds, if pain is stars. Then my life is truly cloudless skies, filled with countless stars...
7. Father asked me what my pursuits in life are. I replied money and beautiful women, and father fiercely slapped my face; I replied career and love, and father approvingly patted my head.
8. Without clothes, I am beastly; with clothes, I am a beast in human clothing!
9. "Dear, I... I'm pregnant... three months along, but don't worry, it's not yours, you don't have to take responsibility..."
10. We have a little disagreement: she hopes I can turn dirt into gold, I hope she can view gold as dirt.
11. I spent 80,000 yuan to buy a Western Zhou dynasty pottery jar. Yesterday, I took it to the "Appraisal" program for evaluation. The expert seriously said, "This isn't from the Western Zhou dynasty, it's from last week!"
12. When I grow up, I want to marry Tang Monk. If I can play, I'll play; if I can't, I'll eat him.
13. Marriage advertisement requirements: A. Alive, B. Female.
14. You need to eat a little to have the strength to lose weight.
15. Rocking back and forth, rocking to the bridge of no return.
16. Question: Which part of me do you like? Answer: I like you to stay far away from me!
17. Fall down, get up, and cry~
18. A tailor who doesn't want to be a cook isn't a good driver.
19. Time is the best teacher, but unfortunately - in the end, he kills all his students.
20. On the way to Xi'an on business, a Dalian elder was boasting about how great Dalian is. Then he mentioned the grand celebration activities held when Dalian reached its 100th anniversary and asked the person next to him: "What celebrations were held when Xi'an reached its 100th anniversary?" Several local Xi'an guys were startled, paused for a moment, and then forced out a response: "I remember there was a 'Beacon Fire and the Feudal Lords' when Xi'an reached its 600th anniversary..."
21. Diamonds last forever, one makes you bankrupt!
22. Celebrities expose a little and become more famous, I expose everything and get arrested!
23. Saw a pretty girl, but had no way to start a conversation. Found a brick on the side of the road, picked it up, went up to her, and said, "Classmate, is this yours?"
24. Two farmers boasting: "Our farm chickens eat tea leaves and lay tea eggs." "Really? Our farm feeds chickens wallets and lets them lay荷包eggs."
25. Don't think wearing dirty clothes makes you a spot witness; don't think wearing wooden slippers makes you a wooden shoe witness...
26. All men are lustful, slightly more lustful ones are called wolves, more lustful ones are ghosts, even more lustful ones are demons, especially lustful ones become perverted demons, and those who are extremely lustful are called human aesthetic artists.
27. Remember shortly after graduation, my girlfriend sent me a text message: "We should break up!" I hadn't even had time to feel sad when she sent another one: "Sorry, I sent it to the wrong person." Now I can feel completely sad...
28. Can't figure it out, girls wear lots of pretty clothes to attract boys' attention, but what boys want to see are naked girls.
29. When I have money, we'll buy lollipops, buy two, one for you to watch me eat, the other for me to eat in front of you.
30. If I meet you again, I'll drag you into the bedroom, lock the door behind me, push you crazily onto the bed, cover your head with a blanket, spread my arms, roll up my sleeves, and tell you: Look, my watch is luminous!
31. Saw a netizen's brief and powerful self-introduction: Gender: Male, Hobby: Female.
32. A man and a woman got married, both having strong self-protection awareness regarding their assets. Before marriage, the man wrote on the prenuptial agreement: "All Transformers are mine..."
33. On the bus, almost getting squeezed into a picture isn't scary, what's scary is ending up in a photo with a nasty man...
34. The digital army and the letter army fought. The leader of the numbers, 0, said: "1, 3, form a B and infiltrate the letter army!" After a while, 1 and 3 returned with bloodied heads, saying: "Leader! Being fake was discovered!"
35. Young man, to prevent you from harming others by messing around with relationships, sister will reluctantly take you in. From now on, remember to be at my beck and call, don't struggle anymore...
36. Heard that getting married nowadays is very cheap, Civil Affairs Bureau handles it for 9 yuan, I'll treat you!
37. Don't talk to me about money, it hurts feelings; don't talk to me about feelings, it hurts money!@_@
38. Actually, buns are versatile, you can eat them when hungry. Want pancakes? Flatten the bun; want noodles? Comb the bun with a comb; want hamburgers? Cut the bun and add ingredients to eat...
39. Recently, I've become obsessed with astrology. One day, my close friend and I were enthusiastically discussing constellations. An uncle came by, and I grabbed him and asked: "What constellation are you?"
The uncle was stunned for three seconds, then murmured: "Made of meat..."
40. Zhu Bajie was getting intimate with Chang'e on the moon when suddenly a black shadow flew by. Zhu Bajie hastily grabbed his hoe and chased after it. After a while, he came back and said: Damn, it's Yang Liwei...
41. Quietly I come, quietly I go, swing the dagger, leave no survivors (Farewell to Cambridge)
42. Heroes don't ask about origin, bullies don't count age
43. Seeing injustice on the road, shout out loud, after shouting, continue moving forward
44. There's no wall that doesn't leak, there's no beam that can't hang from
45. Confucius said: If you don't nap at noon, you'll collapse in the afternoon! Mencius said: Confucius is right!
46. Parents deceiving children is education; children deceiving parents is deception; mutual deception is generation gap.
47. Women like men who look a bit bad, not men who look bad, Shenzhen wedding dress rental.
48. Knowledge is like underwear, invisible but important.
49. As a failed example, you have succeeded too much.
50. United they stand, divided they fall; drink and they go crazy, encounter wine and they drink.
51. Women are made of water, men are made of mud, Li Yuchun and Zeng Yi Ke are made of cement.
52. Cigarettes don't listen, so we "smoke" them.
53. Close my eyes, and I see my future...
54. Wide seas allow fish to leap, broken drums let anyone beat.
55. Things you can't extricate yourself from include love, and radishes in others' fields.
56. Where you fall, lie down there.
57. You tell me to roll, I roll. You tell me to come back, sorry, I've rolled too far!
58. The farmer plants corn in the field, and in autumn harvests a lot of corn. I planted my husband in the spring, and now autumn has come, alas, he's dead!
59. The world belongs to us, it also belongs to those children, but eventually it will belong to those bastards!
60. Ship hits the bridgehead naturally sinks ~~
61. When you put on a wedding dress, I also put on a monk's robe ~~
62. If you love me, say it out loud! If you hate me, keep it hidden in your heart forever!
63. Take advantage of your youth and do all the bad things you can, there aren't many years left.
64. Extraordinary people never say they are extraordinary, like me.
65. I know, there's no banquet that doesn't disperse, but at least, I want to enjoy the feast to the fullest!
66. The highest realm of work is watching others work while collecting their salaries.
67. You tell me to roll, roll without stopping...
68. I walk my sunny path, you cross your bridge of no return.
69. Our purpose is: Serve the Renminbi!
70. Is money really that important to you? Talked for over three hours, not a penny less.
71. I won't tell even if you kill me, you haven't used the beauty trap yet!
72. When I have money, I'll buy a bus, exclusively drive on the bus lane, and exclusively stop at bus stops. When someone