1. One day, the cow gave the donkey a tough question, asking which of the two worms under the word "stupid" was male and which was female. The donkey racked its brain but still couldn't answer. The cow scolded: "What a stupid donkey, it's left for male and right for female!"
2. Seven years after graduation, I finally got a big project - to build a thirty-meter chimney, with a two-month schedule and a budget of 300,000 yuan, but requiring upfront capital. It was finally completed at the end of last year. Today, when people went to inspect it, I was scolded severely and didn't get paid. Shit! I read the blueprint backward; they wanted a well dug!
3. A drunk man accidentally fell from the third floor, drawing a crowd of onlookers. A policeman came over: "What happened?" The drunk man: "I don't know, I just arrived."
4. The doctor asked the patient how he broke his bone. The patient said, "I felt there was sand in my shoe, so I leaned against a utility pole to shake it out. Shit, some bastard passing by thought I was electrocuted and hit me twice with a stick!"
5. One day, Mr. Turtle, Mrs. Turtle, and their son decided to go on an outing. They brought a large pancake from Shandong and two cans of sea chicken, then set off for Yangming Mountain. After ten years of hard climbing, they finally arrived! They sat down, unpacked their gear, and prepared to eat. However, they realized they had forgotten the can opener!
Turtle Son: "I'll go back and get it."
Turtle Dad: "Good boy! Hurry back, we'll wait for you to have dinner together!"
Turtle Son: "You must wait for me! Don't break your promise, Seventh Fairy Sister came to tell my fortune = got dizzy when encountering the Eight Immortals!"
So Turtle Son set off on his way home...
Time flies like an arrow, and twenty years passed, but Turtle Son still hadn't returned.
Turtle Mom: "Dear, shall we start eating first? I'm starving..."
Turtle Dad: "No! We promised our son! Hmm... let's wait five more years, if he doesn't come, we won't wait anymore!"
Five years passed quickly, and Turtle Son still hadn't shown up. Mr. and Mrs. Turtle couldn't wait any longer! The two elders decided to start eating.
Just as they were about to eat the pancake...
Suddenly, Turtle Son poked his head out from behind a tree...
Turtle Son: "Shit! I knew you would cheat! Telling me to go back for the can opener? I've waited twenty-five years, and now I've finally caught you! I hate being deceived the most!"
6. Little Xin: "Dad, why are there three gold characters in my name?"
Dad: "Because you lack gold in your life, so we named you Xin, just like some people who lack water are named Miao, and those who lack wood are named Sen."
Little Xin: "Dad, what does Guo Jingjing lack?"
7. A couple was sitting on a park bench dating. Suddenly, the girl wanted to fart.
She said to the boy: "I will imitate the call of a cuckoo bird, and you guess the origins of the pen names of Lu Xun, Ai Qing, Ba Jin, Lao She, Bing Xin, Cao Yu, etc., and see if it sounds similar."
The boy willingly listened.
Then, while imitating the "cuckoo cuckoo" bird calls, the girl let out a loud fart.
Girl: "Doesn't it sound like a cuckoo bird?"
Boy: "The fart was too loud, I didn't hear clearly!"
8. A turtle got injured and sent a snail to buy medicine. After two hours, the snail hadn't returned. The turtle anxiously cursed: "If you don't come back soon, I'll die!" At that moment, a voice from outside said: "If you keep cursing, I won't come!"
9. Someone raised a pig but found it annoying and decided to abandon it. However, the pig always found its way back home no matter how many times it was abandoned. One day, the person drove around making many turns before abandoning the pig. Late at night, he called his family and asked: "Has the pig come back yet?" The family replied: "It has!" Furious, he shouted: "Let it take the phone, I'm lost!"
10. An elephant accidentally stepped on an ant nest, and the ants swarmed onto the elephant. The elephant shook its body, causing all the ants to fall off except one that remained on its neck. The ants on the ground loudly shouted: "Choke it!"
11. During a computer class, a row of students' computers crashed. So one student stood up and said: "Teacher, the computers have crashed, everyone in our row is dead." At that moment, many students said: "We're dead too." Then the teacher asked: "Is there anyone still alive?" Only one student stood up and said: "I'm still alive!" The teacher curiously asked: "Everyone else is dead, why aren't you?"
12. A monkey always puts peanuts in its butt before eating them. The manager explained: "Once, someone fed it a peach, and the pit couldn't come out, scaring the monkey. Now, it measures carefully before eating."
13. Little Ming: "Dad, am I a silly child?"
Dad: "Silly child, why would you be a silly child..."
14. Tell a story: "Once upon a time, there was a eunuch..."
Someone couldn't resist asking: "What happens next?"
Continue telling the story: "Next? That's all..."
15. Someone just learned a foreign language and was walking on the street when they accidentally stepped on a foreigner's foot. The person quickly said: "I'm sorry." The foreigner politely replied: "I'm sorry too." Upon hearing this, the person hurriedly said: "I'm sorry three." The foreigner was confused and asked: "What are you sorry for?" The person helplessly said: "I'm sorry five."
16. Tang Monk wrote a letter to Sun Wukong:
Dear Wukong,
I wrote this letter very slowly because I know you don't read fast!
It rained twice this week, the first time for four days, the second for three!
Are you doing well at Flower Fruit Mountain? I'm not doing well in Heaven because without gravity, poop, pee, tears, and snot don't fall, isn't that miserable?
The beef noodles here are very delicious, next time when you come, let's go to the restaurant on West Street to eat hot pot!
Your Guanyin sister is going to give birth, since we don't know if it's a boy or a girl, we temporarily don't know if you will be an uncle or an aunt!
Did you receive the clothes I sent you? I was worried about overweight charges, so I cut off the buttons and put them in the pocket of the clothes!
It's late, so I'll stop writing here. Come visit me when you have time, remember not to drink too much water, otherwise it will be uncomfortable to urinate here!
P.S. I originally wanted to send you money, but the envelope is already sealed!
17. A patient with indigestion complained to the doctor: "I've been very abnormal lately, whatever I eat comes out the same. If I eat cucumbers, I poop cucumbers; if I eat watermelons, I poop watermelons. How can I return to normal?" The doctor paused silently and said, "Then you can only eat poop."
18. Someone lost a dollar in Shanghai while on a business trip. A police officer said: "We will definitely help you find it." A month later, when the person came back, the street where they lost the money had been dug up due to road repairs. He couldn't help but sigh, "Shanghai is really practical."
19. One day, an ant was basking in the sun when it suddenly saw an elephant slowly approaching. The ant stood up straight and stretched its front legs. A nearby rabbit asked what it was doing. The ant whispered: "Shhh... Quiet! Let me trip him."
20. One day, a family of earthworms was bored. The little earthworm cut itself into two pieces and went to play badminton. The earthworm mother thought this was a good idea, so she cut herself into four pieces and went to play mahjong. The earthworm father thought about it and cut himself into minced meat. The earthworm mother cried: "Why are you so foolish? Cutting yourself into such small pieces will kill you!" Weakly, the earthworm father said: "Hmm... Suddenly want to play soccer."
21. In the tortoise and hare race... The hare quickly ran ahead... The tortoise saw a snail crawling very slowly... It said to the snail: "Get on, I'll carry you..." Then... The snail climbed on... Later, the tortoise saw an ant... It said to the ant: "You climb on too..." So the ant climbed on... After the ant climbed on... It saw the snail above and said "Hello"... Do you know what the snail said? The snail said: "Hold on tight, this tortoise is too fast..."
22. One day, a house caught fire, and the parents escaped, leaving only a son inside. The mother anxiously shouted outside: "Son... What are you doing... The house is on fire, come out..." The son answered: "I'm putting on my socks..." The mother said again, "The house is on fire, why are you putting on socks..." Five minutes passed, and the son still hadn't come out... The mother anxiously shouted again: "Son, what are you doing? Come out quickly! The house is on fire, stay inside..." The son said: "I'm taking off my socks..."
23. A person went fishing by the river. First, they put a leaf through the hook... No fish took the bait for half a day. Then they switched to bread... Still no fish for half a day. Finally, they had no choice but to use worms... Still no fish for half a day... In anger, they pulled out a 100-yuan note, threw it into the water, and yelled: "What do you want to eat?! Buy it yourselves!!!"
24. A classmate had a cold and was constantly blowing their nose but forgot to bring a handkerchief. They kept sniffing loudly. The Chinese teacher, who was writing on the blackboard, suddenly turned around and shouted: "Enough! Stop it! You're making too much noise!" The whole class became silent. The teacher asked again: "Who is secretly eating noodles during class and making so much noise?"
25. A patient said to the dentist: "You really make money easily, earning 3 dollars in just 3 seconds."
The dentist replied: "If you'd like, I can pull your tooth in slow motion."
26. "Self-love" means in the next life I must reincarnate as a woman and marry a man like me; "Despair" means while eating in a restaurant and ordering two dishes, eating the first one: "Is there anything worse than this in the world?!" Eating the second one: "Shit! There really is!" "Speechless" means when the judge asks: Why did you print counterfeit money? The criminal says: "I don't know how to print real money."
27. Zhi Nu descended to earth to bathe and met Niu Lang, starting a love story that moved heaven and earth. This tells us: bathing at home gives no opportunities, so bathing must be done outside...
28. After using the toilet, Xiao Ming returned to the classroom and told the teacher: "There are a lot of ants in the toilet." The teacher suddenly thought of the English word for ant, "ant," and tested Xiao Ming: "How do you say ant?" Xiao Ming looked confused and said: "The ant... didn't say anything..."
29. A person at work kept letting out loud farts. Unable to bear it, a colleague said to him: "Can't you be quiet?" Then they saw him sitting there shaking violently. Curious, the colleague asked what he was doing. He replied: "I'm not making any sound, I've already switched to vibration mode!!!"
30. Mother mosquito: "Child, what's wrong with you?" Little mosquito cried: "Today, the little flies bullied me, saying I'm bloodthirsty and a vampire." Mother mosquito: "Ignore them, their families aren't any good either, all of them grew up eating poop."
31. I spent 80,000 yuan buying a pottery jar from the Western Zhou dynasty. Yesterday, I took it to the "Treasure Appraisal" show for evaluation. The expert seriously said: "This isn't from the Western Zhou dynasty, it's from last week!"
32. Son: "Mom, I failed my math test today."
Mother: "Why? Which problem?"
Son: "The teacher asked me what is 2*3=? I said =6."
Mother: "That's correct, then what?"
Son: "Then the teacher asked me what is 3*2=?"
Mother: "Isn't that the same thing?!"
Son: "That's what I said..."
33. A convict was executed by firing squad. The bullets were produced by "a certain county" and were of poor quality. The first shot didn't fire, followed by the second... and the third... At this point, the convict burst into tears: "Just strangle me! This is too scary!"
34. A father was telling a story to his son: "Uncle asked Xiaoyang to cut firewood. Unexpectedly, Xiaoyang cut down the uncle's favorite peach tree. When the uncle saw it, he was very angry but didn't scold Xiaoyang. Do you know why?" The son answered: "Maybe because Xiaoyang still had the axe in his hand, so the uncle didn't dare to scold him."
35. On their first date, the dung beetle asked the mosquito: "What do you do?" The mosquito replied: "Nurse, giving injections." The dung beetle grabbed the mosquito's hand and burst into tears: "Fate! I am also in the medical field, traditional Chinese medicine, making pills."
36. A man couldn't find a girlfriend, so he went to consult a fortune-teller. The fortune-teller said: "In your first half of life, you are destined to have no women." The man's eyes lit up: "Then should I have one in the second half of my life?" The fortune-teller said: "Ah, by the second half of your life, you will be used to living alone."
37. Someone was eating beef noodles but couldn't see a single piece of beef in the bowl. They pointed to the bowl and asked the boss: "Why is there no beef in the beef noodles?" The boss casually replied: "Don't be too serious, do you expect to find a wife in a wife cake?"
38. Three rats tasted alcohol from the US, Japan, and China. The rat drinking American liquor walked three steps and fell over; the rat drinking Japanese liquor walked two steps and fell over; the rat drinking Chinese Erguotou liquor held a cleaver and shouted: "Shit! Where's the cat?!"
39. While dining at a restaurant, a customer who had waited a long time called the waiter and asked: "Why isn't my braised fish ready yet?" "Please wait a little longer, sir." "What? Do I have to wait longer?" The customer angrily said: "Do you catch your fish live or what?"
40. Once upon a time, there was a person named Ashuang.
He died.
On the day of the funeral,
His family cried out:
"Ashuang ah... Ashuang..."
Passersby were puzzled and asked: "Why are you so happy about Ashuang?"
The family cried bitterly: "Ashuang is dead... Ashuang is dead!!"
41. A man was about to jump off a building. His wife, who had just rushed back, shouted: "Dear, don't be impulsive, we have a long way to go!" After hearing this, the man jumped without hesitation. A negotiator standing beside him said: "Madam, you shouldn't have threatened him like that."
42. The director and the section chief were riding in an elevator together. After the director farted, he said to the section chief: "You farted." The section chief replied: "It wasn't me." Soon after, the section chief was dismissed. At a meeting, the director said: "You can't even handle a small matter like this, what use are you?"
43. A lazy cat pursued a mouse passionately and eventually married her. After marriage, the cat took great care of the mouse, who quickly gained weight. The mouse was deeply moved: "Dear, why are you so good to me?" The cat chuckled: "You'll understand once you get a bit fatter."
44. Each time I face the mirror, I encourage myself mentally: "I am very creative in appearance, ugliness is not my intention, heaven, please don't be angry, I will bravely continue living, using my endless creativity to highlight the beauty of the world! Actually, I am really, really creative..."
45. Friends went hiking together. Upon reaching the summit, a girl faced the beautiful landscape and shouted: "Motherland! My mother!" A boy who secretly admired her quickly followed and shouted: "Motherland! My mother-in-law!"
46. Once, I bought two puppies. I gave the one named 'Face' to you and kept the one named 'Butt' for myself. Unfortunately, 'Face' died in a car accident after just a few days. Every time I see 'Butt,' I think of your 'Face.' If your 'Face' were still here, it would now be as big as 'Butt'!
47. After driving away Monkey King, Tang Seng encountered a demon and tried reciting the Tightening Spell to summon Monkey King for help. Soon, a voice came from the sky: "Sorry, the user you are calling is out of service, please try again later."
48. A rat went to relieve itself and saw a bear there, scared to make a sound. The bear glanced at the rat and asked: "Do you shed fur?" The rat trembled silently. The bear asked again: "Do you shed fur?" Trembling, the rat said: "No..." The bear grabbed the rat and wiped its butt with it! [The rat was mistaken for toilet paper...]
49. Just now, I was chatting with friends, and we talked about you. Did you know? I argued with them, almost coming to blows, because some said you look like a monkey, others said you look like a gorilla. That was really unfair! They didn't treat you like a pig at all!
50. On Panda's birthday, he told everyone: "I made two wishes, one is to cure my dark circles, the other is to have a color photo."
51. Bees chased butterflies, but the butterfly ended up marrying a snail. The bee was confused: "What does he have that I don't?" The butterfly replied: "At least he has his own house, unlike you who lives in a dormitory."
52. One day, an elephant was bathing. Suddenly, an ant came over and said to the elephant: "Stand up!" The elephant immediately stood up. The ant said: "Sit down!" The elephant, confused, asked the ant: "What are you trying to do? Making me stand up and sit down repeatedly." The ant replied: "I lost my underwear, I'm checking if you stole it."
53. The production team bought a male donkey, but it died shortly after. Just as the female donkey went into heat, the production team employees called the captain who was on a business trip elsewhere: "Captain, the female donkey is in heat, but the male donkey is dead. Should we buy another male donkey or wait for you to come back?"
54. Little dung beetle: "Mom, why do we eat poop?" Dung beetle mom: "Child, you shouldn't talk about such disgusting things while eating."
55. A meteor streaked across the night sky, and I quickly made a wish, hoping you could become prettier. But after I finished wishing, the meteor "whooshed" back and said to me: "Big brother, are you intentionally making things difficult for me?!?"
56. Give me a steamed bun from the cafeteria as a fulcrum, and I can lift the Earth! (Understand, the steamed buns from the cafeteria are too hard...)
57. Seeing "the food in the cafeteria is only fit for pigs, and they actually serve it to us?" reminded me of something. A classmate went to the cafeteria to get food. After receiving it, they asked the cafeteria worker, "Worker, how come there's rice in your sand?!!!"
58. A short story for girls: A bat reincarnated with God. God said he could grant three wishes. The bat said: "In my previous life, I was black, so in this life, I want a snow-white body, wings, and I want to keep sucking blood." God said: "Alright, I agree. Do you know what it will become in its next life?" "Sanitary napkin." Haha.
59. A restaurant fly said to a toilet fly: "You chase foul odors all day, while I eat delicious food. Come over!" Toilet fly: "Different paths lead to different destinations. What's the use of eating well if you rarely see beautiful naked ladies?"
60. In sophomore year, all the girls in the dorm liked Zhou Huajian's songs. A cassette tape was borrowed around among everyone. One day, the girl on the top bunk asked: "Where's my Zhou Huajian?" The girl on the bottom bunk replied: "It's on my bed!" Two seconds of silence, then everyone fell over laughing.
61. A boy in the class gave a nickname to a girl in the same class, calling her Fat Pig. The girl complained to the teacher, who promised to criticize the boy. The next day, the teacher said in class: "A certain boy is very impolite, randomly giving people nicknames. Just because someone looks like something, you can't call them that!"
62. A police dog saw a regular dog coming down the street and aggressively went to confront it: "I'm a police dog, what are you?" The regular dog disdainfully looked at it and said: "Idiot, look closely, I'm undercover!"